Triggers

     Triggers? Ah, no.

     Conventional treatment programs and addiction “specialists” tell you to write down your triggers, as if there is some reason – some person, place or thing that makes us want to use. So, what makes us want to use? Um, let’s see, NOTHING. How about everything? The truth is that nothing makes us want to use. Once you turn yourself into an addict, that’s just what you do. You use. It’s a reflex. 

     Oh, there’s painkillers in your cabinet? Huh. I think I’ll swallow all of those, thank you very little… not like you really needed them or anything… definitely not more than I do.

     So the experts tell me that all I have to do to stay sober and, by implication, to then go and have a great life, is to avoid my triggers. Just avoid all of the people, places and things that make me want to use. Okay, by the way, if I have to avoid this street, that park, this store, that friend, this TV show, that asshole… then I basically can’t go anywhere. Sorry, but I’d rather be free. To be clear, I don’t recommend that you go hang out in a bar the second you leave detox. What I’m saying is that if triggers do exist for you, than you’re not okay. Avoiding everything that makes me feel like using in NOT a solution.

     Remove the obsession and there is no such thing as a trigger. It’s not easy, and it will require the power of God, most likely. 

     Addict’s will try to blame anything and everyone for the reason they have to drink like pigs or get jammed out of their fucking minds. Let me help out a little bit: Nothing makes us want or need to use. We use because we love using. We use because we love drinking and we love drugs. I use because I’m too much of a child and a coward to walk through my feelings of pain, boredom, discomfort or depression. I’m too much of a wimp and a shithead to grow up and maybe do some real work on myself. I’m too much of a fear-driven loser to change. Truly, we addicts are simply babies who don’t want to grow up.

     I’ll take a line from my book – Addicts should suck their thumbs so people can identify them.

     At some point we cross over that invisible line, break our bodies, acquire this allergy, and once that occurs, every time we start using, we can’t stop. It’s that simple. Trust me, I don’t drink and get high because of my family, my friends, my anger, my depression, the nutjob babysitter who bathed me in an inch of cold water and sang Puff the Magic Dragon with her b.o.-ridden boyfriend, my alcoholic and withdrawn father, the guys who jumped me in college, the borderline girlfriend who made me want to stab my eyeball with a sharp object… and the list goes on forever. No one makes us want to use. And the dope doesn’t fly through the air and force itself up my nose. That’s a good one – It was right there in front of me! Anybody woulda’ done it!

God, help me to always remember that nothing makes me use other than myself…

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