The hardest yet simultaneously most important thing for any addict is to be honest. Not just honest in his word, but honest in his thought, action, and character.
Addicts are perhaps the biggest phonies on earth, besides your elected officials. That is, the way we act is fake. We are always trying and acting like anything BUT ourselves, which becomes necessary to achieve our selfish ends. Why is it so hard just to be real? Why is it so hard to be ourselves?
One, because we have no clue who we are. Second, because we have been full of lies and bullshit for so long, honesty and authenticity are unfamiliar territory, to say the least.
Another reason is a bit more subtle. I remember a story an old teacher of mine told me about how he asked a guy to join him in driving to another state to speak at some meeting. The guy responded that he would only go if he went with joy. That’s an honest guy for you. How often do we do things without really wanting to, but just to please someone or to look some way to others? It’s even more difficult to distinguish what it is we truly feel like doing – a natural problem of not knowing who we are.
So I’ve been trying to only act with joy, with the exception of needing to help someone, which honestly, I don’t always feel like doing. I’ve been trying to act whole-heartedly, if you will, in an effort to not just be myself, but to become who I am, to become truer to who I am, and accordingly, to become more honest.
For an addict, fake and phony won’t do. And once sober, being a phony is like a form of torture – it will bring you down until you become depressed… and then ill… and then… boom. It all blows up. Great job.
God, please help me to become more honest, to just be myself and to act whole-heartedly and with joy…