“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scales we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.83-84.
Believe it or not, but this is exactly how I felt after finishing about half of my amends. I came home one night from seeing someone and just felt showered with relief. It was a peace I’d never known.
During the Step process, specifically following the 5th, 6th and 7th Steps, my conscious contact with God was not gradual at all, but was sudden and intense. I was touched one night up North and since that moment, thoughts and desires to use or drink have been non-existent. I also began to sort of naturally repel any substances, people, jobs or activities that push me away from God or hinder my ability to grow. Yes, it’s possible to go from a total wreck to living these promises.
And yes, I still make tons of mistakes, act like a complete dick sometimes, or put down a pint of ice cream and wind up in a coma… and no, this activity is not conducive to spiritual growth, but I think you know what I mean. Since that moment up North, I have never seriously, or rather, never consciously messed with my connection to God. Harming that relationship is the only thing that frightens me. I refuse to do it.
I wouldn’t trade my relationship with God for anything, because who gives a shit what you have, what you’re doing or who you’re with if you feel like hell inside? Nothing matters without peace. Nothing matters if we are shut off from our Creator. Such a predicament is living torture, but when we put God first, anything is possible.
God, keep me close to you today…