Ever left for a meeting or something feeling all confident and pumped up, and then by the time you get there, you’re totally deflated, no longer confident, and altogether introverted? Yup, that’s what happens when we try to control the way we feel. And the sad truth is that even when we show up the way we want to, it still doesn’t seem to work out the way we planned.
That’s because other people respond to authenticity and are turned off by phoniness. So whether we feel confident or whether we feel quiet and self-conscious, go as you are, and your honesty will put you in the best possible space for the best possible outcome.
Back in one of my dark, living in Boston phases, I was sort of off the heavy stuff and felt pumped up one day, you know, because I was only smoking pot and only putting down the better half of a twelve pack at night. That’s what me doing well looked like. At any rate, I’d gotten some jacket for my birthday and my hair was long and obnoxious, so I thought I would take some headshots downtown to a modeling agency.
I skipped out of my Jamaica Plain apartment brimming with confidence and high as shit on my ego and vanity. But alas, during the long subway ride into Boston, I realized just how broke, skinny and ridiculous I was. I got off the train totally deflated and walked up to the agency shaking in my boots. The girls were just like, uh-huh, whatever, and threw my photos in some heap under the desk.
Now that is truly pathetic. Maybe if I was on my way to do something useful, selfless, good for others and good for the world, it may not have been such a disaster. But that wasn’t gonna happen, as I was just a useless and self-seeking piece of shit… and as far away from my authentic (true) self as humanly possible.
At any rate, don’t worry about how you feel or try to control it. You won’t be able to. Just do what you were going to do with sincerity and authenticity. Whether you’re confident and charming or nervous and insecure, you still have a 100% better chance just being who you are and where you are at the time.
God, please help me to become more honest and authentic…