* Have poor or no memory of events. Narcissists will rip you apart at the seams and then have little to no recollection of the event just days later. When they do have a memory of events, reality has shifted. They see themselves as the victim and you as the abusive one.
* Take no responsibility for their actions. Narcissists will never be accountable for what they have done. They will abuse with ease, but are completely incapable of taking any responsibility. They are proud, deranged and shattered, and will often twist events to avoid the truth. Don’t expect an apology from a narcissist because you won’t get one, let alone real change. And if for some reason you do get an apology, it is only because they have some self-serving agenda.
* Have no guilt or remorse. Narcissists will hurt you deeply and never think twice about it. They have no feelings for anyone and are incapable of loving. Narcissists are sociopaths. They are the center of the universe and everybody else is to be used in some way. Everything is about them. Everything. They truly enjoy hurting others and take pride in their sadistic abilities. They are extremely selfish and manipulative.
* Engage in pathological projection. The narcissist will attribute or ‘project’ every negative quality they own onto you, while never taking ownership themselves. Conversely, they will attribute any good qualities, if they exist at all, as well as any personal accomplishments, to themselves and nobody else. So if it’s bad, it’s you. If it’s good, it’s them.
* Have delusions of grandeur. Narcissists believe they are divinely gifted and wonder why the world’s richest and most famous don’t lay down the carpet for them. They believe themselves to be in circles they are not actually in, nor have any business being in. They believe they will no doubt be seen and discovered, that others should just sort of magically see their brilliance.
* Believe everything is about them. Even if nothing has happened, the narcissist will often make something up to suit their needs. “I saw the way you looked at me the other day” is a typical sort of comment, even if you were looking at nothing and thinking of nothing. I once worked for a woman who ran this school who especially met this criteria, as well as many others, so you really have to be careful.
* See others as an extension of themselves. Narcissists believe that the only person who truly matters is themselves. Believe that the only feelings and thoughts that matter are their own. Believe that the thoughts, feelings and lives of others are not nearly as important as their own. Believe that nobody suffers in the same way they do, as if they are somehow unique from the rest of the human race.
* Believe themselves to be victims. Narcissists will concoct stories out of thin air when you refuse to give them exactly what they want in order to paint themselves as some victim of your imagined cruelty. They will say anything to convince others in your camp that they have been victimized by you. They will do anything to prevent others from seeing how insane and sadistic they truly are.
* Are extremely self-seeking. All the narcissist cares about is how they are seen by others, and they will destroy, mar or abuse anybody they need to in order to protect their self-image. What’s so fascinating is that the narcissist often has no idea that the way they see themselves is totally removed from reality. They have no idea how truly horrible they are as people, how vicious they are, how demented they are, how sadistic they are, how delusional they are.
* Are pathological liars. Every single thing out of a narcissist’s mouth is a lie. They need to lie in order to protect their warped self-image, to get what they want, and to hurt those who disobey them. As well, everything is a big deal. Molehills are made into mountains, so if they perceive you to have slighted them in any way, watch out, as you will be targeted and incur their wrath swiftly.
* Have no interest in your life. Narcissists have no interest in anybody’s life but their own. They will dump their woes on you for hours without ever thinking it might be appropriate to shut up for a second and ask you about your life. They are jealous and envious of any blessing that may come your way, and will work to change the conversation at once.
* Have no guilt/remorse and are desperate for attention. Narcissists will hurt you deeply and never think twice about it. They have no feelings for anyone and are incapable of loving. Narcissists are sociopaths and have a pathological, whore-like need for attention. There are no ends to which a narcissist won’t crawl to get attention, often concocting stories and fantasies about themselves as heroes or victims. They are the center of the universe and everybody else is to be used in some way. Everything is about them. Everything. They truly enjoy hurting others and take pride in their sadistic ability. They are extremely selfish and manipulative but fail utterly to see it. They truly believe they have never committed a wrong, that they are normal and quite loving. Needless to say, they are totally delusional and deranged. The only thing that matters to the narcissist is the narcissist.
To sum it up, below is an excerpt from Victim Mentality, which is a typical narcissist frame of mind. They are sort of borderline in the sense that they can wave from vicious to victim to normal and back to vicious again like a merry-go-round. They are monsters, so watch out. You must protect yourself and remain vigilant.
“Victim is a state of mind…
Victims believe that their feelings and their circumstances are all caused by something outside of themselves. They are ignorant to the fact that they are 100% responsible for how they feel. It should come as no surprise that victims have no interest in your life. They will blab on for hours about what so and so did to them without ever thinking that it might be appropriate to shut up and ask you about your own life, feelings, or struggles. When good things happen to you, it’s like a dagger in the victim’s heart. Success for you means jealousy and resentment for the victim, as they quickly dump their woes on you to divert attention away from your blessings. If you do not agree that they are victims, they will turn on you viciously. They will only reach out to you with charm or kindness when they want something from you. And you better give it to them to avoid incurring their wrath. They have no shame. They are desperate.
Victims believe that all negative feelings or events that happen to them are somebody else’s fault. They see their circumstances purely as a result of events acting upon them as opposed to causing the events themselves… unless it’s something good, of course. It is always what someone said or did. It may even be the whole world’s fault, as each and every one of us somehow owes the victim something. Whatever the cause, it is anything but themselves. Guess what? Victims are narcissists. The victim frame of mind and worldview is a narcissistic one.”
Aren't all addicts narcissists? Does narcissism go away in recovery? If the narcissist is your child, do you go along with their delusions to keep the peace, or do you present them with reality even if you become the target of their wrath?
Yes and no. Addicts become narcissistic but many retain the capacity to be honest with themselves and can restore their conscience if they humble themselves and do the necessary work. A pure narcissist lacks the capacity to be honest and is therefore a sociopath. Permanent narcissists have a chip missing regardless of drug and alcohol abuse. They are so shattered, twisted, desperate and depraved, there is no getting better short of divine intervention. Some people are simply evil and lack basic goodness. Pure narcissists/sociopaths fall into this category.
For an addict, narcissistic behavior can certainly go away in recovery if the addict has committed to a life of spiritual growth and engages in rigorous and consistent action. Actions that remove narcissism include service to others, amends to those we've hurt, and written moral inventory, which teaches us that all resentment, fear and misconduct is born within. We learn how it arises and by dissolving our false perceptions and our wrong in a given situation, we become accountable and responsible for everything in our lives. We begin to mature once again and become able to see that what we do has consequences, and that others suffer too. We learn that we are not unique or special, that our lives and our pain are no more important or intense than anybody else's. We become human again, if we indeed have that fundamental capacity to be honest.
I have great experience with a narcissist and I have seen first hand how going along with their delusions always comes back to haunt and really just perpetuates the narcissism. It is essentially a passive acceptance of their very sick and often very cruel behavior. In my view, boundaries must be set. I agree that there is no point in arguing with a narcissist since they completely lack the ability to see anything or take any responsibility, but we must not allow them to treat us abusively.
Personally, I stood up to a narcissist and was viciously attacked. Every inch of my life was ripped to shreds. Lies, attacks our outrageous stories were told to everybody I know. Sure it was extremely unpleasant but nothing compares to suffering the presence of the narcissist. They are now out of my life and removing this toxic evil is the best thing I could have done.
Where it is your child, you must dig deep and decide what to do on your own, but one thing we can always do short of removing them altogether is to set very strict boundaries around their illness. When they begin to manipulate or become verbally abusive, disengage at once and keep your distance until they forget what they have done, as they surely will, as that's what narcissists do – hurt people, take no responsibility, and then forget all about it. Not a care in the world.
What are your feelings on a sober alcoholic who is also narcissistic but doesn't go to any sort of program? Says he “doesn't know how he beat the system or what he is doing right but knows how to stay sober without a program”. He claims to see a therapist but who knows if that's true!
Thank you for this article and response. It confirms so much of my experience with the father of my child.