* Have poor or no memory of events. Narcissists will rip you apart at the seams and then have little to no recollection of the event just days later. When they do have a memory of events, reality has shifted. They see themselves as the victim and you as the abusive one.
* Have no interest in your life. Narcissists have no interest in anybody’s life but their own. They will dump their woes on you for hours without ever thinking it might be appropriate to shut up for a second and ask you about your life. They are jealous and envious of any blessing that may come your way, and will work to change the conversation at once.
* Engage in pathological projection. The narcissist will attribute or ‘project’ every negative quality they own onto you, while never taking ownership themselves. Conversely, they will attribute any good qualities, if they exist at all, as well as any personal accomplishments, to themselves and nobody else. So if it’s bad, it’s you. If it’s good, it’s them.
* Have delusions of grandeur. Narcissists believe they are divinely gifted and wonder why the world’s richest and most famous don’t lay down the carpet for them. They believe themselves to be in circles they are not actually in, nor have any business being in. They believe they will no doubt be seen and discovered, that others should just sort of magically see their brilliance.
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| Narcissus gazing at his own reflection. |
* Believe everything is about them. Even if nothing has happened, the narcissist will often make something up to suit their needs. “I saw the way you looked at me the other day” is a typical sort of comment, even if you were looking at nothing and thinking of nothing. I once worked for a woman who ran this school who especially met this criteria, as well as many others, so you really have to be careful.
* See others as an extension of themselves. Narcissists believe that the only person who truly matters is themselves. They believe that the only feelings and thoughts that matter are their own, that the thoughts, feelings and lives of others are not nearly as important and that nobody suffers in the same way they do, as if they are somehow unique from the rest of the human race.
* Believe themselves to be victims. Narcissists will concoct stories out of thin air when you refuse to give them exactly what they want in order to paint themselves as some victim of your imagined cruelty. They will say anything to convince others in your camp that they have been victimized by you. They will do anything to prevent others from seeing how insane and sadistic they truly are.
* Are extremely self-seeking. All the narcissist cares about is how they are seen by others, and they will destroy, mar or abuse anybody they need to in order to protect their self-image. What’s so fascinating is that the narcissist often has no idea that the way they see themselves is totally removed from reality. They have no idea how truly horrible they are as people, how vicious they are, how demented they are, how sadistic they are, how delusional they are.
* Are pathological liars. Every single thing out of a narcissist’s mouth is a lie. They need to lie in order to protect their warped self-image, to get what they want, and to hurt those who disobey them. As well, everything is a big deal. Molehills are made into mountains, so if they perceive you to have slighted them in any way, watch out, as you will be targeted and incur their wrath swiftly.
* Take no responsibility for their actions. Narcissists will never be accountable for what they have done. They will abuse with ease, but are completely incapable of taking any responsibility. They are proud, deranged and shattered, and will often twist events to avoid the truth. Don’t expect an apology from a narcissist because you won’t get one, let alone real change. And if for some reason you do get an apology, it is only because they have some self-serving agenda.
* Have no guilt/remorse and are desperate for attention. Narcissists will hurt you deeply and never think twice about it. They have no feelings for anyone and are incapable of loving. Narcissists are sociopaths and have a pathological, whore-like need for attention. There are no ends to which a narcissist won’t crawl to get attention, often concocting stories and fantasies about themselves as heroes or victims. They are the center of the universe and everybody else is to be used in some way. Everything is about them. Everything. They truly enjoy hurting others and take pride in their sadistic ability. They are extremely selfish and manipulative but fail utterly to see it. They truly believe they have never committed a wrong, that they are normal and quite loving. Needless to say, they are totally delusional and deranged. The only thing that matters to the narcissist is the narcissist.
To sum it up, below is an excerpt from Victim Mentality, which is a typical narcissist frame of mind. They are sort of borderline in the sense that they can wave from vicious to victim to normal and back to vicious again like a merry-go-round. They are monsters, so watch out. You must protect yourself and remain vigilant.
“Victim is a state of mind…
Victims believe that their feelings and their circumstances are all caused by something outside of themselves. They are ignorant to the fact that they are 100% responsible for how they feel. It should come as no surprise that victims have no interest in your life. They will blab on for hours about what so and so did to them without ever thinking that it might be appropriate to shut up and ask you about your own life, feelings, or struggles. When good things happen to you, it’s like a dagger in the victim’s heart. Success for you means jealousy and resentment for the victim, as they quickly dump their woes on you to divert attention away from your blessings. If you do not agree that they are victims, they will turn on you viciously. They will only reach out to you with charm or kindness when they want something from you. And you better give it to them to avoid incurring their wrath. They have no shame. They are desperate.
Victims believe that all negative feelings or events that happen to them are somebody else’s fault. They see their circumstances purely as a result of events acting upon them as opposed to causing the events themselves… unless it’s something good, of course. It is always what someone said or did. It may even be the whole world’s fault, as each and every one of us somehow owes the victim something. Whatever the cause, it is anything but themselves. Guess what? Victims are narcissists. The victim frame of mind and worldview is a narcissistic one.”
OHHHHMYGOOOODNESS!!!!!!!
This article SO Nailed it!
I didn't get the help I needed until I was in my fifties. After a lifetime of being bullied by a list too long to mention here, (close relatives, close friends, ex husband) I sought help. I went from 0 to 17 different self help books, saw a therapist and borrowed more books from him and talked to him about them.
Once I learned what was going on, the clock was ticking for a lot of people who had taken it for granted that I was just going to take such bad treatment. After all, I had taken it for so long, maybe to the point where I was made to believe that was acceptable. And I did to other people what was done to me, too.
Learning the various methods of emotional manipulation, I now had a “field guide” to identify the “insects” of abusive behavior. And that's what they became! I can't help but think of an episode of Star Trek, where in the end, the alien bullies degenerated into small ugly creatures, that had no power over me anymore. Another analogy, “Wizard of Oz” as in I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE!!!! and the little dog pulls back the curtain, and revealed the nasty little man he really was.
Unfortunately very few of these people will get better. Why I'm saying the best thing I did was bail out of the relationship. I stopped missing them and moved on. But it wasn't without some desperate attempts by them to derail me.
Things I had to let go of.
1. Forget about an apology. It will never happen or it will be fairly filled with hints that it's your fault.
2. Enforce strictly boundaries of good behavior. If you meet someone for the first time, and they start out snippy and negative, it's not going to get any better. Get out immediately. I learned this the hard way. Gave 35yrs to an abusive friend, tried to support and understand.
3. Stop saying “should” as in, my mother should treat me better, if she loves me as she says.
Yeah it hurts bur you gotta get strong and find better people to hang around. It SHOULD be a lot of things, but just isnt.
4. Continually do the mental work of expressing yourself in healthy positive ways. It really does work.
5. Take good physical care of yourself, and seek happy, peaceful positive things, even when something goes wrong, try to put a good spin on it. It really does work.
Thanks for reading, and thank you Charlie for your blog!
Thank you so much, Wanda. Thank you for reading and also reaching out and commenting as you do. The new book should be out soon, so hopefully that will also provide some useful advice for those who suffer addicts or alcoholics in their lives 😉
I refuse to see myself and my sister as victims because I don't want to have that mentality, I want us to be victorious. We have been at the brunt of my mothers dramas all of our lives – we are now mid and late 40's. As children we would be the centre of dramas – my mother and father, mother and step father, mother and sisters a continual perpetual round of dramas in which I as the eldest was frequently used as someone who was blamed. My mother would have a drama/falling out and then gain attention from blaming someone else. She is and was cold and un nurturing mother but in her mind it was all ok. She chooses to remember things in a way that are not related to reality. It was emotional and mental abuse on a continual loop. It continues now and she is constantly attention seeking, now she is trying desperately to get my sister and I to fall out. We are aware what is going on, have reflected on her craziness over the years and have decided to end the relationship. I have stopped being the whipped dog who still goes back trying to gain love. Thank god I realise it will never change, it was not all my or my sisters fault even though we always felt at fault. I feel liberated reading the above – so much makes sense! It is hard to walk away – feelings of guilt, unrequited love and to feel at fault, as my mother always intended. But we find strength in knowing that it will never change. Thank you for writing this – I have never shared this before .
I refuse to see myself and my sister as victims because I don't want to have that mentality, I want us to be victorious. We have been at the brunt of my mothers dramas all of our lives – we are now mid and late 40's. As children we would be the centre of dramas – my mother and father, mother and step father, mother and sisters a continual perpetual round of dramas in which I as the eldest was frequently used as someone who was blamed. My mother would have a drama/falling out and then gain attention from blaming someone else. She is and was cold and un nurturing mother but in her mind it was all ok. She chooses to remember things in a way that are not related to reality. It was emotional and mental abuse on a continual loop. It continues now and she is constantly attention seeking, now she is trying desperately to get my sister and I to fall out. We are aware what is going on, have reflected on her craziness over the years and have decided to end the relationship. I have stopped being the whipped dog who still goes back trying to gain love. Thank god I realise it will never change, it was not all my or my sisters fault even though we always felt at fault. I feel liberated reading the above – so much makes sense! It is hard to walk away – feelings of guilt, unrequited love and to feel at fault, as my mother always intended. But we find strength in knowing that it will never change. Thank you for writing this – I have never shared this before .
Holy cow!! My ex wife is a narcissist. Charlie, my ex just came out of rehab and now she thinks she has a PHD in sobriety. She blames me for her drinking but fails to mention that she drank before we met and drank more for the 4 years after the divorce. She has completely gone the selfish route and won't even acknowledge that she caused me and our daughter so much pain. Is it wise to forward this to her and ask her to take a look and maybe it will help her realize that she is messed up or, being a narcissist, will she just ignore it?
@Matt like Charlie stated here \”NO\”, they are not going to realise it nor self reflect on it.I just got out from a 4 year narc and believe me, we tried all self help materials. Nope, it will not sink in to them. They will never change. Don't waste your time