This is one of about a hundred old posts I never published, though have been lately so people have shit to read while I focus on other stuff for a bit.
This isn’t really a resentment, more like a momentary annoyance, but it’s interesting to go through the 4th Column in an effort to shed some light on the human condition, so to speak, or rather, the addict condition. The other day I got a call from some guy I know in recovery and I guess he had called previously and my voicemail was messed up, which is apparently a MAJOR RED FLAG. Lmfao. Anyway, then he texts me the next day asking if I’m still okay (i.e. sober).
So in case you were wondering, if my voicemail is fucked up and it takes me more than 7 hours to reply, it means I’ve completely lost my mind, relapsed and destroyed everything, and I’m most likely about to jump off the Tobin bridge in a psychotic fit of despair.
Anyway, let’s go through this just to see why it would annoy me at all.
1st Column (name of person, institution or principle we resent): Recovery guy.
2nd Column (specific resentment towards that person etc.): a. Asked me if I’m “okay”.
3rd Column (part or parts of me the resentment affects): P/A (Pride/Ambition)
4th Column (how I was self-seeking, selfish, dishonest and fearful):
*Self-Seeking: I want to be seen as recovered, solid as a rock.
*Selfish: I want to text the guy back “of course I’m fucking okay you half wit” just to feed my pride/ego and self-esteem, and because I want people to see me as okay or enlightened.
*Dishonest: I’m making it about me when the guy is probably just being nice as opposed to jerking off to the possibility of me failing, which is of course the first thing that popped into my demented head.
*Fear: I fear a lack of approval. I fear people talking about me and starting all sorts of bullshit rumors.
The truth is I don’t really care anymore about rumors and what people say. In fact, writing this blog alone has put a few rocks in my gut. But this is a fear I used to be almost crippled by, so my annoyance was no doubt triggered by my past, where my reputation preceded me, where rumors and gossip used to fly, which made me angry, depressed, insecure, you name it…
“My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, p.76
P.S. So you know what I did? I didn’t call him back at all so he’d purposely think I wasn’t okay, just to prove how stupid it is to imply that I’m somehow not okay because my voicemail isn’t working. Mature, I know, but hey, nobody’s perfect. Plus I’ve been known to mess with people from time to time. Sorry, my bad.