Narcissism & Passive-Aggression

     In today’s depraved and indignant culture of moral relativity, narcissism and self-centeredness have become quite pervasive. But when up is down, left is right, light is dark and right is wrong, the narcissist cannot see or understand what he or she is doing. And when the peripheral elements in their lives, which are supposed to provide some perspective and perhaps some truth, wisdom and common sense, are instead validating their narcissistic traits and impulses, they go forth blind to their behavior, to their obstinacy and arrogance, and more importantly, to the effect they have on others.

     Narcissists are experts in the infuriating and perverted practice of passive-aggression. They are generally too inept, paranoid, or just plain stupid to say what they mean. Instead, they resort to obfuscated, indirect, ‘beat around the bush’ type passive attacks, many of which have nothing at all to do with the situation. You are left trying to interpret what the hell they are talking about, and if you don’t pick up on these twisted and mind-boggling cues, if you’re not a mind-reader, they attack you even more. You become the monster while they become the victim.

     Outright, blatant aggression is easy to see and dissect. It is clear the person is deranged and clear that the childish outburst has nothing to do with you. Passive-aggression, on the other hand, is a more clever and disguised way of whittling away at your spirit and individuality by inserting lies into reality. Passive-aggression may also appear to be overt aggression, such as name-calling and smears, but this is actually passive-aggressive because the smear is not rooted in reality and is often an attempt to divert and deflect, especially when one cannot explain/justify their behavior or argue a cause with any truth or decency. It also comes with the intent to normalize the demonization of you and make it acceptable and orthodox. The effect is to successfully minimize what they do while maximizing your reaction or non-reaction. 

     Passive-aggression is a way for the narcissist to get attention. You have to understand that all they care about is getting attention, so it doesn’t matter if it is negative or positive attention. When you are shattered beyond repair and loathe who you are, you must get attention lest you believe you will die. Thus, passive-aggression allows the narcissist to start or pick a fight out of the blue when nothing has happened. It baits the other into engaging, as any normal, reasonable and concerned person will inquire what the problem is. And therein is the narcissist’s opening. You have just opened the door to a twilight zone of lunacy and hurt, so watch out. Next thing you know, you are suddenly and without cause the target of criticism, judgment, smear, accusation, rage, sarcasm, you name it. When and if you react, the narcissist wins as they can and will turn it all around on you, saying,

     “See! Look at you! So abusive and horrible! I am such a victim! You are an evil monster!”

     So right after being victimized yourself, you suddenly become the victimizer, which of course allows the narcissist to not only maintain power and control over you, but also cleverly allows them to excuse themselves from any and all responsibility for the random attack they executed against you for no reason at all. The narcissist engages in direct projection without shame. To weasel their way out of it, they accuse you of the very thing they have done. It’s infuriating, I know, but understand it is just the desperate tactic of a lunatic. 

      Such is just one of many hallmarks of narcissism, often seen in a toxic relationship, though now we increasingly see this behavior in the public realm. But it is not you. If you are an loving, supportive, responsible, sober, hard-wording, sensible adult yet you are attacked night and day, it is not you. It is the narcissist/s you happen to suffer. The narcissist only represents his or herself, for only a hurting soul that has become empty, angry, desperate, spiteful and pathologically self-absorbed behaves in such a way.

      Take some comfort in the fact that their narcissism is driven by something we could call reality derangement syndrome. That is, their mental illness and self-absorption limits them and gets in the way of seeing reality itself. You know this is the case when they are presented with reality and completely lose their minds. Reality is not a part of their indoctrination and thus, the narcissist must alter reality to fit their narrative. You often see them making something out of nothing, turning a molehill into a mountain. A harmless slight, observation, reality-based fact, accurate recollection or representation of events turns into the greatest transgression ever to occur in the history of mankind.

     Wait, can I say mankind anymore? Oh that’s right, whoops. I’m so, so sorry and didn’t realize that any word with “man” in it is now evil and I must die. I’m so, so sorry as I wasn’t aware that a small group of tyrants now have the authority to vilify the entire English language and tell me what words I can and cannot use, even words such as simple pronouns rooted in something I thought they loved so much – science. The problem is there is no talking any sense into these people. They are triggered and can no longer think straight, let alone think at all. They go into pure emotional rage. It’s almost schizophrenic.   

     Just watch what happens when you bring up your own point or opinion, regardless of how reasoned or accurate it may be. Watch what happens when you express your own measured concerns with civility and from a place of peace. Watch what happens when you disagree with anything the narcissist thinks or believes. They immediately become indignant, apoplexy ensues and you become the target. They are vicious and attack you with unfettered belligerence, incoherence and stupidity. None of it is grounded in reason, sense, sanity or reality, let alone logic or historical fact. They have an amazing ability to rewrite history – to distort, change, skew, or to erase it altogether. Self-righteous arrogance and entitlement drips off of them. The stench is unbearable. They wear their feelings on their sleeve like an undisciplined, immature child. No adult acts this way. They enter a room and ruin everything. Everyone can feel it. It is palpable. They must get attention.

     I write this aspect narcissism as I personally cannot stand immature, passive, dishonest bullshit. Having put up with it for so long, I have little patience anymore for this nonsense. I truly appreciate a person who is direct, straight-forward, measured and discrete – those who say what they mean and mean what they say. Beating around the bush is not something I care to entertain anymore.

One thought on “Narcissism & Passive-Aggression

  1. Hello Charlie. I truly love and admire your work, and so appreciate all of your efforts and dedication to yourself, your family and God (maybe not in that order…but you know what I mean ;))I have been reading your blog for a while, as I have been a member of alanon for a few years, but have struggled with this idea that alcoholism is a \”disease\” and that we should have \”compassion and understanding\” for they know not what they do. Huh? I'm sorry, but I don't believe that. All that aside, my question is about alcoholism and narcissism. I understand you likely can't have one without the other, but do you feel, or have you witnessed perhaps in yourself and others, that once recovery is found narcissism is completely removed from them? Or do you believe it may already be a personality disorder, and the compulsion to use is because narcissists loathe themselves so much that they use it to self medicate? Just curious. Would love to hear your thoughts on this :)Thank you, Charlie.Be well and keep writing!

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