“Sorry I relapsed, guys, but it was the liquor store’s fault. If the liquor store wasn’t on my block, I never would’ve relapsed.”
“Sorry I drink wine every night like a selfish pig but it’s my right because nobody knows what I go through and nobody knows how I feel. I’m the only one in the world who suffers, and if you were me, you’d drink too. I’m a victim.”
“Sorry I used OxyContin like a freak show until I got addicted and destroyed everything, but it’s definitely not my fault. If those stupid companies didn’t put that stuff out there and those stupid doctors didn’t prescribe that shit, I’d never have a problem. The fact that it exists means it’s not my fault.”
“Sorry I relapsed on meth, bro, but you wore a pink shirt today and it really freaked me out. Pink shirts are totally a trigger for me, yo.”
“Sorry I have to shoot dope before anything, but since nobody suffers from depression the way I do, I have the right to make myself more comfortable at all costs, even if it comes at the expense of others.”
“Sorry I destroyed the apartment looking for specs of cocaine, but my roommates totally suck and always piss me off, so I have to. If I had new roommates, I wouldn’t bend over like a slave to sniff coke all day.”
“Sorry I stole your jewelry Mom and Dad, but it really wasn’t my fault. If you guys understood what it’s like to be me, I never would’ve become an addict and had to steal your shit.”
“Sorry I just blew all of our savings on heroin, baby, but it’s not my fault, it’s my addiction’s fault, and my addiction isn’t my fault, it’s my Dad’s fault because he gave me his genes.”
“Sorry I just drank and used like a pig all semester, Mom and Dad, but it’s not my fault, it’s the school. I don’t connect with anyone here. You shouldn’t have wasted your money on this stupid place.”
“Sorry I have to lie to you every time I go out, honey, but if you didn’t pry and nag so much then I wouldn’t have to.”
“Sorry I get drunk every time we go to your family’s house for dinner, but anybody would drink before going to your family’s place because they’re so freaking dull and uninteresting.”
“Sorry I got hammered right before my job presentation, but I have alcoholism and that’s one of the symptoms.”
“Sorry I totalled the car, Dad, and then called Mom a controlling, crazy bitch for no reason, but it was my depression’s fault, not my fault. Plus, my therapist said that I have a few other disorders and that they might actually be your fault, not mine. Cool?”
“Sorry I don’t get out of bed these days, but it’s not my fault, it’s the Depression Not Otherwise Specified disorder thing that I just happened to catch in the air. Or no, wait… actually, I’m depressed because it’s my dumbass family’s fault. Yeah, that’s it! It’s their fault, those assholes!”
“Sorry I relapsed guys, but nothing works. The Steps failed me bro. I def need to go back on methadone yo. Can I get a ride to the clinic? Oh really, no? Can you just be a little late for work and let your kid wait at his school for a bit? Also, that lid I stole from the mall was messed up anyway, so F that place. That owner’s a POS for stocking that shit. I ain’t never goin’ back to make amends… yo.”
“If everyone around me wasn’t so annoying, I’d be able to, like, grow more spiritually, but as it is, I just can’t do this work under these conditions.”
“If I lived in a different town, I’d be okay, but you really can’t expect me to be okay where I am, dude.”
“If people would just do as I say, I could maybe get off the Suboxone and the Seroquel, finish the Steps and recover for good, but because they won’t, it’s def not my fault that I keep relapsing. Also, have you ever tried bath salts?”
“If my boss wasn’t such a dick, I could keep working and pay off my debts and also maybe pay you guys back, but there’s no way I can work like this, so all of that ‘amends to my creditors’ bullshit is just gonna have to wait.”
“There’s just no way I can make amends to that guy because what he did to me was way worse, so if I relapse because I failed to make all of my amends, it’s totes not my fault, it’s that guy’s fault.”
“Hey guys, listen, the doctors and everyone else now say that addiction is not my fault. It’s 100% a blameless disease that I was born with, so nothing that I do – including lying, stealing, abusing, assaulting, manipulating, deceiving, using, trampling over, taking advantage of, seeking comfort at all costs, being a loud, obnoxious, belligerent, pathologically self-absorbed ingrate jerk, and of course drinking like a fish and using like a pig – is my fault. It’s just a symptom of my disease, yo.”
So what you’re saying is that NOTHING is your fault, right?
Right.
God, please rid me of my bullshit excuses and my fake, phony self…