Category Archives: Self Will

Nobody Knows How I Feel

Posted on by under Feelings, God, Pity-pot, problems, Self Will

      Probably the #1 argument of an addict:

     “Wanhhhhh, nobody knows how I feel, wanhhhhh!”

     Um, yeah, they do. It’s called being human. It’s just that other people don’t shoot heroin, smoke crack, or pound a fifth of vodka like a selfish, indulgent pig just because they feel uncomfortable. Imagine that.

     If we are sponsors and we let our sponsees whine about all of their problems and all of their feelings that “nobody understands”, we are terrible sponsors. It is clear that we have not taken Steps and therefore we have no business sponsoring anyone. We are only preventing him or her from getting better. Better yet, we may end up killing them.

     Stop them as soon as the pity-pot materializes and tell them that getting better has nothing to do with their problems and feelings. When they get out of their own way and let go of self-will, they will know what you mean. When God becomes present in their lives, they will realize that most of their ridiculous, petty problems are entirely self-created, that is to say, created out of self – too much of it.

     By the way, when I say created out self, that means that we alone are responsible for creating our problems and feelings. And the more we focus on ourselves and the more selfish we become, the more problems we will have and the worse we will feel. Conversely, the less we focus on ourselves and the less selfish we become, the less problems we will have and the better we will feel. It’s that simple.


God, please help me to align my will with Yours, relieving me of the torture of a life driven by self-will alone…

New Employer

Posted on by under God's Will, Letting go, Non-Addicts, Self Will

     “When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.” -Alcoholics Anonymous, p.63

     Admittedly, it is very difficult to understand something that we haven’t gone through ourselves. Someone who has never felt the paralyzing effects of severe clinical depression will never truly understand it. They might think, Oh they’re just choosing not to get out of bed because they’re f’ing lazy. At the same time, someone with major depression is not doomed, nor do they require medication to lift their depression and function properly once again.

     It’s the same with addiction. People who are non-addicts cannot truly understand what it’s like to experience having ZERO power over drugs and alcohol. At the same time, they may not know what it’s like to have undergone a profound and fundamental change. It is a common perception that sober addicts will forever be teetering on the edge of relapse, forever fending off an undying desire to drink and use drugs. I’ve even been told by some guy at an AA meeting that if I could take a magic pill and be able to drink recreationally like a normal person, then I most certainly would. That was a guy who hasn’t had a spiritual experience.

     The above quote summarizes exactly what happened to me. Once I dropped this lifelong belief that it was only me out there and that I was the only power that could fix me, everything changed. Once we drop our arrogance, our pride and our ego, we become open. Thoroughly and fearlessly taking Steps removed the poison that kept me locked in the darkness, and once it was removed, there was room to let something else come in and fill the empty space.

     I get that it is hard to intellectualize this notion of letting go of my self will to instead be ‘directed’ by God’s will. But it is real and it is possible. Once I gave my whole self to this process, I finally understood what it meant. If we get out of our own way, something much greater and wiser and more powerful than us becomes our ‘driver’, so to speak. When we stop trying to direct and control our own lives, the result is nothing short of a miracle.

     And remarkable things indeed follow.

     Though I left treatment after having a white-light experience, I came home to a war zone of broken relationships, tens of thousands in debt, no job, and a still emaciated and broken body. But I continued the Step process and fought hard to build a new foundation based on spiritual principles. And I was provided with what I needed. And it’s true that we can become less and less interested in ourselves and our selfish needs, wants and desires. In fact, my favorite thing to do still 8 years later is to help others.

     Sure I am still the most selfish idiot that I know, but the point of this ridiculous post is that this DOES work. We can recover, grow new minds, heal our spirits, and never suffer from the thought or desire to drink or use drugs ever again.

God, keep me close to You today…

Let Go and Let God

Posted on by under AA Slogans, God's Will, Let Go, Let God, Self Will

     So here is one of the few good AA slogans, since I promised to make up for bashing so many others in an older entry, AA Slogans.


Let Go and Let God
   
     Needless to say, this is the essence and the desired result of taking Steps. When I take a 3rd Step, I have become willing to let go of a life driven by self-will. I have decided to no longer be guided by my warped and broken mind. I have essentially given my will over to God, and by promising to take more action, the two hopefully become aligned. The goal is to get my self-will to naturally do God’s will. In other words, I seek to naturally do the right thing, to naturally be honest, helpful, willing, tolerant and loving. In this sense, it’s fine to use as much self-will as I want in order to do God’s will.
     When we addicts begin to worry about ourselves – our feelings, our lives, our financial security, even our hopes and dreams – this is when we have stopped letting go. We have reverted back to self-will and attempting to control our lives. Alcoholics and addicts think they know what’s best for them. We think we know what we should be doing in life. We think we are better directors of our life show, better drivers of our destiny.
     Wrong!
     We are terrible at controlling our lives and making decisions. In fact, addict or not, a life driven by self-will can be a total failure. Sure we may accomplish anything and everything in the world, but we may be void of the only thing that matters: peace. What’s the point of anything if we feel empty, angry, anxious, depressed, unsettled, distracted or our hearts are clenched? Who cares what we have, what we own, who we are with, or what we have accomplished?
     A teacher of mine once said, Charlie the only thing that really matters is how you feel inside. And no, he didn’t mean that in the selfish way.
God, please help me let go of self-will, that I may align with Your will…

Self Will vs God’s Will

Posted on by under Forcing, God's Will, Grasping, Self Will

     When I get out of my own way, what fills the space is God’s will…   
   
     The only time something becomes impossible is when I become hell bent on getting it. I used to agonize over getting things. I had to have this, become that, change into this, look like that. The more I pushed, the farther away it all went. Trying to grasp too hard, I couldn’t seem to actually get anything.

     I pushed and pushed to become a musician, and the more I pushed, the farther away the record deal got. I pushed and pushed to become an actor, and the more I pushed, the farther away the lead role got. I pushed and pushed to become a writer, and the more I pushed, the more the rejection letters came pouring in. I pushed and pushed to make money, and the more I pushed, the less money I made. I pushed and pushed to become enlightened, and the more I pushed, the more angry, frustrated and depressed I became.

     But when I finally let go of needing to achieve, I found peace. When I stop trying to force my will, everything began to materialize. When I let go of my selfish desires, dreams and hopes, they began to hit me in the face when I wasn’t looking. When I simply let go and focused on doing the right thing in this moment, everything fell into place. When I put all of my ambitions aside and just focused on growing spiritually, I became free.

     Sure I have to work, pay the bills, and put some effort into my art, business and spiritual growth… but when I let go of the outcome, that’s when I feel truly calm. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever doesn’t happen, doesn’t. Whatever comes, comes and whatever goes, goes. Letting go is the best thing I have learned because I don’t care about the outcome anymore.

     Expectation is a form of torture. But forgetting about all the worldly shit I thought I had to achieve and instead accepting God’s will, I am free. And by God’s will, I don’t mean anything in particular. All that means is letting go of my insane need to push and drive and speed and force my way here and there, conquering this or that.

     God’s will, in the simplest terms, is just NOT my own. I simply do what’s right in front of me and the next thing will happen on its own. And when I do actively pursue something, it’s because I have become still and quiet, and my gut tells me that I need to go do this thing. When I wake up and know what I need to do, that is God’s will. When a friend, relative or sponsee calls for help, that is God’s will. When I feel compelled to create something, fix something, get rid of something or attend to something, that is God’s will. When I get out of my own way, what fills the space is God’s will.

Also see: Self Will for God’s Will

God, help me to let go and align with Your will for me…

Untreated Alcoholism

Posted on by under Self Will, Sobriety vs Change, Spiritual Growth, Untreated Alcoholism

     The problem with only achieving physical sobriety is that we may never get any better.

     Why?

     Because sobriety doesn’t cure insanity, nor does it reduce selfishness. Sobriety doesn’t stop us from constantly whining and complaining, from thinking about ourselves 24/7. How ridiculous it is to get sober but remain mentally and spiritually warped beyond comprehension. In fact, if you’re gonna kick it and not really change, you might as well just keep drinking. At least you’d be making a small economic contribution.

     Most addicts are actually more annoying when they’re sober yet untreated, if you can fathom that. We remain needy and obsessed with how we feel all of the time.

     Oh no, what am I doing in life?! What am I gonna do today? What am I gonna do tomorrow?! Nobody knows what it’s like to be me. Me! Why do I feel this way? Poor me. Nobody has it this tough! The world owes me! I need a cigarette, I need this, I need that, I need to go to a meeting! I want cookies, I want ice cream, I want… wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh! 

     Yup. If all we do is remove the drugs and alcohol, we still act like drug addicts and alcoholics. But, hey, at least we’re sober! What a joke. Addicts and alcoholics can do as much, if not more damage to others by achieving physical sobriety but failing to actually get better.

     Once sober, I literally have a volcano of work to do on myself. I must begin to extract the cauldron of poisons that have turned me into a pathologically selfish drug addict. I must extract the poisons of selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty, fear, and countless others if I am to truly recover. I must take it upon myself to fundamentally change the person I was. I must change the way I act, react and respond. I must change the way I view suffering. I must change the way I approach others. I must change my attitude towards life, work, relationships and family. For sure, I must change from deep within.

     Through right action, I begin to enlarge my spiritual life. I begin to accept that I shouldn’t be taking credit for every good thing that happens to me… and I shouldn’t be blaming something else for every bad thing. I begin to realize that the bad stuff is my own fault. It happens when I try to do things my way, when I exert my own selfish will. But the good stuff happens when I let go, when I step back a little and let something guide me that is much greater and more powerful.

     Even if you’re an addict and you don’t believe that God is present in your life, maybe you should change your mind because it’s much better to have a humble attitude as opposed to attributing your recovery and success to you and you only.

     Why?

     Because it’s arrogant not to. Are we really that powerful? Are we really all-knowing? Do we really have it all figured out? Please. Look how small and insignificant we are compared to the entire Universe.

God, give me the courage, power and willingness to walk through discomfort, just like everybody else…