During my annoyingly manic, painfully self-seeking, falling-down-drunk, living in Boston phase, I used to dress up in a Brooks Brothers suit and custom Italian loafers and saunter around Back Bay pretending to be some ultra-rich, ultra successful, corporate wheeler and dealer who just didn’t have the time to spend all the money he was making, and certainly didn’t have the time to care. Special note to alcoholics and addicts, especially those of you who are in one of your manic, show-off phases:
Nobody cares about what you’re doing. Nobody cares about how you look. Nobody cares about your feelings. And everything that you think is just so important, well, um, nope… it isn’t. You are not special and you don’t suffer any more than anybody else.
Addicts who are still having fun with it and don’t look totally emaciated and run over yet often exhibit this sort of grandiosity. If you’ve ever known a narcissist, than you know how brutally annoying it can be. I consider myself rather fortunate to be frequently swarmed by a narcissist, as they are a great teacher of mine. And I hate to say it, but narcissists are often psychopaths, and since addicts are neck-deep in grandiosity, we should probably look at that in more depth, if only to serve as a warning…
Narcissists think they are the most amazing things in all of creation. They wholeheartedly believe they are perhaps the most talented geniuses who are surely destined for fame and glory… even if the stuff they are producing is utter garbage, as it often is.
Narcissists will love you or hate you, idolize you or demonize you, charm you or abuse the shit out of you, simply to get what they want. They will stop at nothing, like various types of prostitutes, to obtain false, external power. They are so shattered as a human and as a spirit that everything they say when hurt is pure projection. If you step on the toes of a narcissist, watch out, for you are now in the presence of a psychopath. You have just incurred the wrath of a sadistic monster who will stop at nothing to tear you to shreds.
After a narcissist thoroughly abuses and thrashes you, they won’t look back for a split second. They feel full and uplifted inside if they have successfully and profoundly hurt you. They have no real feelings whatsoever for anybody else. All they care about in this world are themselves, only seeing the world through their twisted, pathologically self-centered lens. Everything is an extension of the narcissist, the world begins and ends with them, and thus anything and everything is to be used solely as a tool to get what they want. They are 100% convinced that their lives, feelings, thoughts, and ambitions are far more important than anybody else’s.
They are the most dangerous people in the world to mess with, so if you can, avoid them like the plague. Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to avoid the plans, schemes and designs of these narcissistic psychopaths, as they surround us in large numbers. In fact, many of them run the country, the central banks, the IMF, the CFR, the BIS etc.
(See Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathology.)
As far as manic addicts are concerned, our grandiosity may not go quite this far, but this is why we MUST take Steps. Getting sober surely isn’t enough when we have a mountain of filth to clean out from within. Sober addicts are extremely sick individuals, and we owe it to ourselves, our spouses, our families, our friends, and to the good of the world to do endless work on ourselves in an effort to rid us from our embarrassing selves… our false selves.
Recently, a seething pile of AA goers, especially atheist AA goers (if there is such a thing), gave me endless crap about addressing the moral aspect of our sickness. But really, after hurting others for so long and being so selfish, isn’t it time we take off the diapers and stop using AA to complain about how hard it is to be an alcoholic and how hard it is to stay sober, and how nobody knows how we feel, and wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh…
Isn’t it time we get over ourselves?
God, please rid me of the filth and poison of narcissism and grandiosity…