Daily Search Questions & Answers

There are no good answers. We are just really selfish and really stupid.

Question: When do drug addicts stop being selfish?
Answer: Never. The best you can hope for is some temporary mitigation.

Question: Why are recovering alcoholics still so selfish?
Answer: As the Big Book says, “We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.” AA, p.19. In other words, achieving physical sobriety alone will get you nowhere and is essentially worthless. For the alcoholic to rid himself of his selfishness, he must change from deep within by engaging in selfless action. 

Question: Is it common for alcoholics to push those who love them away for other drinkers instead?
Answer: Common to push the best people in our lives away? Not only is it common, but it is a rule! And we certainly don’t give a shit about other drunks. They simply serve as another body to drink with in an effort to rationalize our insane behavior.

Question: Does alcoholism make you selfish?
Answer: Alcoholism amplifies preexisting selfishness, as to become alcoholic itself requires near pathological selfishness and self-absorption.

Question: Why are addicts so selfish?
Answer: Because all any addict cares about is using, and in order to use the way we want, we must lie, steal, deceive, manipulate, abuse, trample, take advantage of, completely ignore our conscience and become a loud, obnoxious, whiny, indifferent glutton. Addiction is basically an exercise in how to be unattractive on every possible level.

Question: Do the same triggers exist in all alcoholics and addicts? 
Answer: Triggers don’t exist. The only trigger is breathing.

Question: Why do addicts act like victims?
Answer: Good question. Addicts are anything but victims. Acting like a victim allows us to avoid being accountable or take responsibility for everything we do, everything we say, everything we are.

Question: Why does treatment fail so often?
Answer: People who fail in treatment are not willing to go to any lengths to get better. They refuse to work hard with any consistency and give of themselves for any length of time. They cannot jump in fearlessly and commit to a program of spiritual action. They don’t really want to change as they will not give up their comfort. When push comes to shove, they cower and fear rules the day. They will not let go. Plus, many treatment centers have no clue.

Question: Are alcoholics selfish?
Answer: Does the sun rise?

More on Working with Others

Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.93-94:

     “Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.

      When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don’t raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.

     Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why is convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.

     Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own.”

God, please give me the strength and willingness to continue growing along spiritual lines, that I may be useful to You and others…

Working with Others

Alcoholics Anonymous, p.89:
     “Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
     Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends, this is an experience you must not miss.” 

The only chip you need.

     If there is one thing in this program that will lift you up and set you straight without fail, it is indeed working intensively with other alcoholics or addicts, and by working intensively, I mean procuring an untreated addict and taking them through the Twelve Steps as they are laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. As the book states above, that is something you do not want to miss.

     While it is usually a bitter failure to chase people around, hey, if that’s what you need to do, do it. Service is the silver bullet of the Steps. When all else fails, GO WORK WITH OTHERS. It will heal you. It is like injecting spiritual medicine. You can inject vivitrol or suboxone or methadone, or you can inject the spiritual solution of helping others. You can inject science projects or you can inject God. You can inject more poison or you can inject love. The choice is yours.

     If you spend all of your free time taking other addicts through this process, you will not fail. Conversely, if you waste your time getting jammed on state-sponsored methadone, you won’t make it. Nobody has ever truly recovered without giving of themselves, and specifically, without helping other addicts recover.

      Furthermore, if we fail to equip our sponsee with the proper tools and lay down the path to spiritual freedom, there is no point in sponsoring anyone. Today, millions of AA goers and clueless Hollywood have turned AA into a cliche’ – the meeting room, the sad story, the sobriety chip, and the sponsor who gabs away on the phone and drags his sponsee to a meeting after confidently delivering the only advice he has: “You need a meeting, pal.”

     None of this has anything to do with the original program of spiritual action that is Alcoholics Anonymous. The Twelve Step process is a mind-bending and life-changing process if done thoroughly and fearlessly, but today sponsorship is nonsense. If someone approaches you in AA or NA and they have not taken steps and recovered themselves, they have no business sponsoring anyone and you will be led down a road to nowhere. In fact, they may very well help to facilitate your relapse and possible death, as they have not shown you the solution or enabled you to find God.

God, please bring me the opportunity to help others…

How Does God Remove Your Mental Obsession?


     Saw the above search phrase/question on the stats page.

     Nobody truly knows the exact how of it, the precise mechanism of God’s power, which is surely unreachable and thus unknowable to us shallow, mundane creatures. The closest we can come to the answer is by experiencing it ourselves. Although once our obsession is removed and has become a reality, there is little need to ask the question anymore.

     But it seemed like such a genuine and sincere inquiry, I thought it deserved some kind of pathetic-at-best answer.

     Answer: God, being unlimited in Power, can do anything. He can literally rewire your brain such that you suddenly have no desire to drink or use. He restores your mind with the power of choice. As a direct result of rigorous spiritual work on self, a sincere desire and willingness to change, and when reaching out humbly, God can very suddenly or over time remove our obsession and restore us to sanity. God can alter our minds fundamentally, such that bio-chemical imbalances, obsessions, urges, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that have haunted us for years are removed and replaced with balance, sanity, reason, spiritual principles, an entire change in attitude and the birth of a strong and accurate moral compass… but only if we work hard for it.

     So if you are an alcoholic or drug addict and your obsession to drink or use is suddenly gone, you have no one to thank but God. Trust me, don’t thank yourself. You didn’t do it. If we have lost the power of choice, then how can we suddenly re-insert it? We can’t. If we have lost an innate power, the power of will, then it can only be restored by our Creator. This sort of power comes from somewhere outside of ourselves, somewhere well beyond the bounds of human faculty.

     If you are a true addict and you can quit ‘upon a non-spiritual basis’, then let me know… and also let me know what the quality of your recovery is. Let me know what your relationships look like, and your career, and your emotional and spiritual well-being. I’m curious. I’ve never seen it done before, which is why I write this blog. It’s why I wrote the book.

      A recent commenter (anonymous, of course) on some old post about triggers suggested I am grossly misguided regarding addiction, and that relapse prevention works for “most people”. Haha, that’s funny. Please. Talk to some parents, buddy. I went from an emaciated, lesion-covered, hopeless, pathological monster to completely and utterly free inside. I’m now a recovered alcoholic and heroin addict who hasn’t the slightest urge to self-destruct… I think I know what I’m talking about. But even so, who gives a shit about what I write? Um, does it matter one bit? I am nobody. So don’t worry about it.

God, please remove the obsession to drink and use drugs, and restore me to sanity…

Elements of a Narcissist & the Victim Mentality

“Hell hath no fury like a narcissist unmasked.”

     * Have poor or no memory of events. Narcissists will rip you apart at the seams and then have little to no recollection of the event just days later. When they do have a memory of events, reality has shifted. They see themselves as the victim and you as the abusive one.

* Have no interest in your life. Narcissists have no interest in anybody’s life but their own. They will dump their woes on you for hours without ever thinking it might be appropriate to shut up for a second and ask you about your life. They are jealous and envious of any blessing that may come your way, and will work to change the conversation at once.

* Engage in pathological projection. The narcissist will attribute or ‘project’ every negative quality they own onto you, while never taking ownership themselves. Conversely, they will attribute any good qualities, if they exist at all, as well as any personal accomplishments, to themselves and nobody else. So if it’s bad, it’s you. If it’s good, it’s them.


* Have delusions of grandeur. Narcissists believe they are divinely gifted and wonder why the world’s richest and most famous don’t lay down the carpet for them. They believe themselves to be in circles they are not actually in, nor have any business being in. They believe they will no doubt be seen and discovered, that others should just sort of magically see their brilliance.

Narcissus gazing at his own reflection.

* Believe everything is about them.  Even if nothing has happened, the narcissist will often make something up to suit their needs. “I saw the way you looked at me the other day” is a typical sort of comment, even if you were looking at nothing and thinking of nothing. I once worked for a woman who ran this school who especially met this criteria, as well as many others, so you really have to be careful.

* See others as an extension of themselves. Narcissists believe that the only person who truly matters is themselves. They believe that the only feelings and thoughts that matter are their own, that the thoughts, feelings and lives of others are not nearly as important and that nobody suffers in the same way they do, as if they are somehow unique from the rest of the human race.

* Believe themselves to be victims. Narcissists will concoct stories out of thin air when you refuse to give them exactly what they want in order to paint themselves as some victim of your imagined cruelty. They will say anything to convince others in your camp that they have been victimized by you. They will do anything to prevent others from seeing how insane and sadistic they truly are.

* Are extremely self-seeking. All the narcissist cares about is how they are seen by others, and they will destroy, mar or abuse anybody they need to in order to protect their self-image. What’s so fascinating is that the narcissist often has no idea that the way they see themselves is totally removed from reality. They have no idea how truly horrible they are as people, how vicious they are, how demented they are, how sadistic they are, how delusional they are.

* Are pathological liars. Every single thing out of a narcissist’s mouth is a lie. They need to lie in order to protect their warped self-image, to get what they want, and to hurt those who disobey them. As well, everything is a big deal. Molehills are made into mountains, so if they perceive you to have slighted them in any way, watch out, as you will be targeted and incur their wrath swiftly.

* Take no responsibility for their actions. Narcissists will never be accountable for what they have done. They will abuse with ease, but are completely incapable of taking any responsibility. They are proud, deranged and shattered, and will often twist events to avoid the truth. Don’t expect an apology from a narcissist because you won’t get one, let alone real change. And if for some reason you do get an apology, it is only because they have some self-serving agenda.


* Have no guilt/remorse and are desperate for attention. Narcissists will hurt you deeply and never think twice about it. They have no feelings for anyone and are incapable of loving. Narcissists are sociopaths and have a pathological, whore-like need for attention. There are no ends to which a narcissist won’t crawl to get attention, often concocting stories and fantasies about themselves as heroes or victims. They are the center of the universe and everybody else is to be used in some way. Everything is about them. Everything. They truly enjoy hurting others and take pride in their sadistic ability. They are extremely selfish and manipulative but fail utterly to see it. They truly believe they have never committed a wrong, that they are normal and quite loving. Needless to say, they are totally delusional and deranged. The only thing that matters to the narcissist is the narcissist.

     To sum it up, below is an excerpt from Victim Mentality, which is a typical narcissist frame of mind. They are sort of borderline in the sense that they can wave from vicious to victim to normal and back to vicious again like a merry-go-round. They are monsters, so watch out. You must protect yourself and remain vigilant.

     “Victim is a state of mind…

     Victims believe that their feelings and their circumstances are all caused by something outside of themselves. They are ignorant to the fact that they are 100% responsible for how they feel. It should come as no surprise that victims have no interest in your life. They will blab on for hours about what so and so did to them without ever thinking that it might be appropriate to shut up and ask you about your own life, feelings, or struggles. When good things happen to you, it’s like a dagger in the victim’s heart. Success for you means jealousy and resentment for the victim, as they quickly dump their woes on you to divert attention away from your blessings. If you do not agree that they are victims, they will turn on you viciously. They will only reach out to you with charm or kindness when they want something from you. And you better give it to them to avoid incurring their wrath. They have no shame. They are desperate.

     Victims believe that all negative feelings or events that happen to them are somebody else’s fault. They see their circumstances purely as a result of events acting upon them as opposed to causing the events themselves… unless it’s something good, of course. It is always what someone said or did. It may even be the whole world’s fault, as each and every one of us somehow owes the victim something. Whatever the cause, it is anything but themselves. Guess what? Victims are narcissists. The victim frame of mind and worldview is a narcissistic one.” 

Do You Know God or Have God?

     For sure, there is a difference between knowing God and having God. To know God we simply have to believe, read some doctrine, or perhaps drop by Sunday service and potluck. But to have God we have to perform. We have to take actions that bring God into us and expand His actual presence.


     If alcoholics and addicts have the capacity to be honest with themselves, they have the seed of God within. And because a seed that is nourished can grow forever, there is no limit to our spiritual growth. There is no limit to how much we can change and heal and thrive and give back. We must simply find the willingness to turn our inner seed into a fountain of strength.

     For willingness, we pray. Two of my favorites are ‘God, make me a better man today‘ & ‘God, bring the opportunity to help someone.’ I have no idea if the first one ever comes true. But the second one always does. There are always people to help.
     I’d like to think that the seed of God is in all of us. Someone once likened this seed to a ball of brass. Perhaps it is dull, worn, small, and has lost its glow. Yet when we polish it and shed the layers of resentment, fear, selfishness and dishonesty, gradually it becomes brighter and brighter. It begins to glow once again. It begins to grow. Our conscience expands, and we become acutely aware of what is right and what is wrong. So my job is to make sure I continue to polish my God brass on a regular basis so that it never becomes dull or loses its shine. 

God, teach me to have You, not just to know You. Help me to grow spiritually, that my God brass may shine within…

We All Have to Climb the Same Mountain

     I remember some meeting years ago where one of the guys up North was awarding some girl her 1-year chip. He was essentially glorifying how “bad” of an addict she was compared to “just some suburban dope sniffer.” For a guy who knew addiction and the Big Book pretty well, what an asinine comment.

     It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from or what drugs you do, once you cross over that invisible line and become an addict, the mountain we have to climb over is the exact same height. For any addict not to understand this, especially when he knows who he is and the nature of his addiction and recovery, well, that is foolish.

     Newsflash: there is no such thing as “worse than...

Fight the Stigma??? Lol.

     Sorry, but protesting outside of the state house is not going to change anything. For some reason, people think that government can solve their problems, but you have to be a little touched to really believe that.

     Government will never solve addiction or ‘fight the stigma’, as it were. In fact, government will never help anybody with anything. Their various interventions have always been an abject failure, and will always continue to be.


      All stereotypes are stereotypes because there is some truth to them, otherwise stereotypes wouldn’t exist. Do you think it’s a stereotype that addicts are selfish? Sure. And isn’t that stereotype true? Obviously. So the fact that we attach a stigma to addiction means there is probably a good reason to attach it, like perhaps the fact that it’s wrong to use drugs! We attach a stigma to things that in our hearts, minds and guts just don’t feel right. There is nothing normal about a drug addict wasting away after living so selfishly and causing so much pain to so many. Addiction is twisted, so of course there is a stigma attached to it. There should be! And there are a million good reasons to do so.

     This new age nonsense of breaking the stigma, absconding responsibility, blaming the disease and putting our arms around the addict is simply causing us to smirk inside, knowing that we have once again successfully manipulated you.

     Fine disagree, but you can’t disagree that having a nasty stigma associated with addiction certainty gives us a good reason NOT to be an addict, or rather, to go get better. Nobody wants to be that dirty jammed shithead everybody is repulsed by. Nobody wants to be that guy. So maybe the fact that we find addiction selfish and repulsive is a good thing. In fact, that perception is what save my life.


     Proud because of where I was and who I was and where I am now and who I am now.

     Grateful because my darkness prompted me to reach out for something powerful, and what I found changed my life so dramatically that I can find nothing but gratitude. I am humbled by what happened to me up North, and what I have gained is worth the price of being a drug addict and an alcoholic. No, I’m not kidding.  

     Many of us and our loved ones fear the stigma we will forever carry around with us. According to such a fear, I have the “stigma” of having been a drug-addicted lunatic. It may or may nor bring you solace to know that none of my history do I consider a stigma, and of course, all that truly matters is how I feel about it, not the world. Plus I’ve found that by accepting and loving who and what I am, the world tends to as well (Law of attraction, if you will).

     Sure when the moment came and I finally had to step into the light and become an ‘open book’ to recover, I feared the same. But what happened was just the opposite. Being an open book brought me freedom – freedom from having to lie, freedom from the weight of those lies, and a freedom that comes from acceptance of my past. Furthermore, the process I undertook to recover had such a profound effect on me that I couldn’t help but have respect and even gratitude for my humiliating past, as it gave me the fuel I needed to create the life I have now.

     If the person we become is someone we love and respect more than the person we were, someone who stands with their feet on the ground and looks the world in the eye, we won’t shun our past but accept it confidently, and perhaps even be proud and grateful for it, as ridiculous as that may sound.

God, thank you for touching me that night, giving me power and removing my fear…

Enabling Makes You Suffer

 Remove that which keeps us deluded about the effectiveness of drugs…

     Enabling warps your perception and over time you cannot tell what’s up or down, left or right, true or false. What you’ve done by enabling is effectively disabled yourself from being able to help the addict, as you gradually lose the ability to see things clearly and honestly. 

     I had a phone call recently from a mother who’s son just blew the opportunity of a lifetime up North after just 4 days. The best part was when she delineated the pompous, delusional rant he went on when the police got a hold of him. Though he was essentially wet-brained, he did his damnedest to convince the cops how uneducated and stupid they were and how they wouldn’t be cops if they’d gone to college, which was especially amusing given he’d never attended college himself.

     The moral of the story is that you are a fool if you think you can talk any sense into a privileged little snob who is totally insane. But we can also learn much here about the toll that years of enabling will take on both the enabler (parent or spouse) and the addict or alcoholic. To note, this blog and the post below are my personal experience and are NOT case-specific suggestions. We must all find our own answers. These are mine.

     The truth is that enabling an addict may (unintentionally) facilitate his death more effectively than letting him or her go. Since we care nothing about you if we are anything but recovered, showering us with food, shelter, money and yes, even love, simply allows us to ride the train longer, which of course, may kill us. Not getting tough with an addict is a tragic mistake. Parents and spouses must conjure all of their strength and courage and try to act counter-instinctually. Naturally it is our proclivity to love and embrace our child or spouse, but when it comes to addiction, this approach is dead wrong. Giving us love should be reserved for after we reach out for help.

     Yes, I realize that by letting go you are rolling the dice and we may overdose and die, but we are killing ourselves anyway, so kicking us off your particular trolley at least gives you a hand to play. Sure it might not work but it may be the only chance you have. Removing privileges (i.e anything that makes it easy for us to use) shortens the runs we go on, and with nothing left we will drag ourselves into detox all the sooner, at which point the Universe may conspire to get us to treatment.

     Providing for an addict (including loving us and telling us what we want to hear), helps us to get worse. Why? Because any avenue by which we can manipulate you, we will. You can’t believe anything we tell you. Being an addict is an exercise in total deception, 100% of the time. Think about it, if we are not ourselves, if we are taken over by addiction, if we are fake and phony 24/7, then anything we do and say is also fake, phony, disingenuous, harmful and destructive.

     And to be honest, you are more important than the addict. You are the one who has sacrificed and loved the addict and therefore you deserve SO MUCH MORE than we do.

     At this point, I’ll need to be a bit more straightforward, but hey, that’s what you’re not paying me to do. Get it? By the way, this is why private TCs and private help is so much more effective than government and insurance sponsored treatment. But seriously, if you want it sugar-coated, you may want to look away as we discuss the ways in which enabling effects the enabler. And let me precursor this by saying that it’s not your fault that we are addicts. It’s 0% your fault and 0% anybody else’s fault we are addicts. That is a fact.

    To begin, enabling is exhausting and requires you to compromise your integrity, your morals, your better judgement, even your very code. Enabling requires that you sacrifice your own life, personal relationships, work, ambitions and dreams. Enabling is terrible for your own spiritual well being, as well as your mental, emotional and even physical health and stability. Enabling is a moral hazard. It feeds, fuels and thus perpetuates the very behavior you want to eradicate. Enabling sends the message to the addict that we can continue to use or drink or do whatever the fuck we want because you will ALWAYS take us back and shower us with love, food, shelter and money.

     What could be worse for a drug addict than validating what we do, albeit indirectly, because that’s what enabling does, it helps us to validate our drug addiction. We think, “Well, what I’m doing can’t be that bad because Mom or Wife still takes me in and gives me money.” If you let us, I promise you with every fiber in my being that we will rip your heart out and suck you dry until you are bleeding out – a ravaged, withering carcass left out in the cold. I’m not saying we want to do that to you, but I’m saying that we will because we have to because we are insane addicts whose addiction comes first before anything and anyone. Our #1 love on this earth is not you, it is heroin (or whatever). Everything is secondary to our addiction. This you must never forget.

     And finally, our addiction can be your bridge to insanity. After years of living with an insane person, it seems reasonable that you may go some degree of crazy yourself. You may be quite damaged from our addiction, and why wouldn’t you be? Look at us! Look at the lunatic you’ve been dealing with. You’ve been subjected to our lies, abuse and sheer lunacy, and it will rightly wear you out and begin to affect your own perception of what is up or down, left or right, right or wrong. Plus, you may have your own set of issues, and preoccupying yourself with our addiction can become a distraction to avoid working on yourself.

     If someone around you is a complete disaster, the bar has been set pretty low, and some codependents feed off of that. I’m guilty of that too. Us being sick makes you the hero, and empowers you in a maladaptive way. The enabler may get something out of being the caretaker, and uses the illness to conveniently avoid themselves. Hey, don’t yell at me, this is just codependency 101.

     The worst is that if and when we actually get better, the enabler may be left devastated. Imagine that? Your dream comes true and you’re completely miserable! This is often the situation with spouses of addicts, not parents, although I wouldn’t rule it out. Some of us are pretty damaged for entirely separate reasons, reasons which we must own as individuals and not blame on anybody or anything else, even the addict in your house. But needless to say, if you’ve been burying a volcano of pain, grief, anger, resentment or depression, us getting better is going to uncork it like a shaken bottle of champagne.

     My wife began to suffer tremendously when I came home all lit up and glowing with relief. In fact, she told me point blank that we wouldn’t make it unless she recovered as well… and so she took Steps as I did, and it changed and healed her as well. Anyone can take Steps. And trust me, the world would be a better place if we all did.

     So please, don’t let us take from you, steal from you, and rob you of your one life on this incredible earth. I don’t know much, but I know that life is not a dress rehearsal.

Codependent No More – Melody Beattie

God, please embrace our loved ones and shower them with comfort and relief…

Blame Nobody but Some Doctors are Fools

     Earlier this year, I had a surgery in which I, as usual, refused any and all narcotics and other mood-altering medications. Needless to say, I had a brief discussion about addiction with the anesthesiologist, who said to me,

     “Scientifically, you are wrong. If an addict takes painkillers to specifically address the pain, he or she is not at risk at all.”


     While he was a nice enough guy, that doctor is a fool, and acts on a philosophy that will cause any recovering addict he treats to relapse and potentially overdose.


     Amazing that people with such breathtaking intellectual arrogance and presumed medical knowledge can’t even comprehend a few basics about addiction.

     But hey, what do I know, right? The problem with certain doctors is that they tend to believe nobody knows anything except for them, especially when it comes to science and the human body. It’s the same with any intellectual elitist, except that intellectuals don’t work or contribute anything. At least doctors actually go to the hospital and work hard.

     Ooops, sorry. I forgot we’re not supposed to say “hard worker” anymore because it’s racist 😉 Loony tunes.

“Doctor Convicted of Murdering 3 Patients Who Overdosed on Painkillers”