Tag Archives: Action vs Words

"The Spiritual Life Is Not A Theory"

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     “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, p.83

     So often we hear wisdom, knowledge and inspiration. We hear it in meetings, churches, lectures, hospitals and treatment houses. We read it in books and even see it sometimes in film and television. There is only one problem with wisdom. It is utterly useless if all I do is hear it, read it or see it. I could have the entire Big Book memorized. Useless. Do I really want to follow the guy who talks up a storm at the meeting but doesn’t live by these principles once he walks out the door? Do I want to go to three meetings a day, chain smoke butts, slurp coffee and stuff my face with cookies during break or do I want to actually get better, do some work on myself, remove character defects and grow spiritually so I can be useful to my family, help others, serve God and make a difference?

     Living it means so many things. It means that I DO what I’ve learned. It means that I don’t just study the 12 Steps and understand them intellectually. In fact, that can lead us back into the trap of superiority, which comes about when we know everything but do nothing. True knowledge and wisdom is acquired through action.

     Living it means that I get up off my lazy, selfish ass and perform the Steps that were laid out for us in the Big Book. Living it means that I write my 4th Step inventory thoroughly, make ALL of my amends, and then help others at every opportunity. Living it means that I don’t shy away from speaking at meetings or groups. Living it means that I continue to pray and meditate, even when I don’t want to. Living it means that I continue to write 10th Step inventory 5, 10, 20 years from now. Living it means that I reach out to others when I don’t feel like it. Living it means that I never ignore my heart and my gut. I never intentionally do the wrong thing and I never ignore doing the right thing. Living it means action. Love to God, self and others means action. Anything less makes me a phony. Anything less means that I am not committed to changing. Anything less means that I am not committed to my spiritual growth, which means selfishness, which means failure and ultimately relapse.

     We are not perfect and we will make countless mistakes. I’ll be the first to admit it. What matters is that our intentions are pure. What matters is what’s inside us. We have to ask ourselves, do we really want to change? Do we really want to live it? Or do we just want to talk about it?

     God, give me the power and the willingness to live by your principles… 

‘Living’ Amends

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     I was taught to distinguish between a ‘contractual’ amends and a ‘living’ amends. Contractual amends are the easy ones. You confront, admit your wrong, ask what you can do to make it right, and then wipe your hands and check it off your 8th Step amends list. Confronting one of your old bosses is easy. Walking into a department store you stole from is easy. Being accountable to an old friend or colleague is easy. Why? Because you get to walk away afterwards, cross it off, and probably never see these people again. Or if you do see them, the slate is clear. But not so with our families. The slate is NEVER clear.

     A living amends goes on until the day that I die. Those closest to me have no interest in hearing a quick “sorry” and then off I go. First of all, we don’t say “sorry” when we make amends. Our spouses and relatives have heard “sorry” more than they can stand, only to see us repeat the same destructive and heartbreaking behaviors, words and actions again and again and again. So no, “sorry” isn’t gonna cut it.

     But neither will a one-time amends. The people who have stuck with us through our addiction probably don’t have much interest in hearing some rehearsed soliloquy. Our parents, spouses, siblings and close friends have had their hearts ripped open, their trust spat on, their patience, time, energy and love stolen. They are exhausted. These folks don’t need to hear some self-serving monologue, where the addict or alcoholic gets to clear their conscience and then off they go to enjoy their new found inner peace. Nope. The people closest to us want us to change into a different person each and every day. They want us to act right and give back every single day. They want us to be the son or daughter, husband or wife, brother or sister that they should have had. They want us to be a better person. They want us to just quietly do the right thing and not talk about it.

     A friend up North told a story one time, where she called her parents after she had been sober for a year. She called out of excitement for her accomplishment, fully expecting them to shower her with congratulations. “Mom, dad… I’ve been sober for a whole year! I got my 1-year sobriety chip at the AA meeting today!” Her parents said nothing. “So?” they finally replied. “So what? How about you stay sober for the rest of your life without announcing it?” Exactly. What great and wise parents. How about we stay sober without expecting a trophy or a pat on the back for it? How about we skip the pride just because we stopped hurting people? So when I make a ‘living’ amends to my family or my wife, I don’t say much. Instead, I take action. I simply BE the husband, son, and brother they have always deserved but didn’t get for 28 years.

     Amends to our families are the hardest ones. Why? Because they are never done. Plus, we’re talking about people with their own flaws, people who know how to push our buttons, people who may never do any work on themselves, people who may be pretty f’ing annoying. But these amends are by far the most important ones. We’re lucky to still have these people in our lives. God knows we certainly don’t deserve them. So don’t forget them. Ever.

God, please give me the willingness, love and tolerance to always honor my living amends…