Tag Archives: Depression

Medication vs Meditation

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     Just like untreated alcoholics get touchy about the fact that they are white knuckling it and pointlessly going to meetings, so do depressive types get touchy about where their depression came from. When I say that depression is our own fault, I’m not saying it to hurt our already sensitive feelings. I say it purely as a matter of fact.

     Nobody gives us depression or makes us depressed. Fact. You don’t catch depression in the air. Fact. We are solely responsible for our depression. Fact. Why is it so offensive to simply understand ourselves and what it is that makes us suffer? Everything we feel and everything we become is the result of our own choices, actions, reactions and responses. Nothing else is to blame for the mental disorders we end up with, just like nothing and no one is to blame for us becoming alcoholics or drug addicts.

     People also get touchy about going to the doctor for meds. I realize that if something is difficult to conquer on your own, or with the help of something Greater, it is natural to want to give up and turn to drugs for an easier, softer way. I don’t judge or criticize anybody who wants to take medication for depression.

     I’ve suffered from major depression. I know how it feels, as I was brutalized by it for years. Depression crippled me and at times paralyzed me. But it can be endured without drugs. I understand how it seems impossible to function and do anything. But it is not impossible. It only feels that way. We may even believe this is the only reality. But it is not. It is not impossible to walk through our feelings. Our feelings do not have the power to stop us. We are not screwed forever without meds.

     When I suffered from depression, I knew deep in my heart that medication was not a solution. Sure I knew that it might work like a charm. But I also knew that when I stopped taking it, I was right back to where I started – insane and untreated. I was still the same, fundamentally damaged person inside. I hadn’t fixed any of the things that made me depressed. I hadn’t worked on myself a single bit. That I couldn’t live with. I couldn’t take meds knowing that I’d remain completely fucked in the head, heart, mind and spirit. I wanted to change. I wanted to resolve my pain, expel my demons, and live free.

    True freedom means we forgo the psychotropics. I wanted to change my bio-chemistry without one of corporate America’s science projects. And yes, it can be done. Yes, we can change and conquer our depression. Yes, we can even alter our bio-chemistry through action alone. Try meditation.

     The point is, sure these powerful, mood-altering, brain-damaging drugs might work, but we can also accomplish the same thing in a real and true way. We can learn how to pray and meditate. We can exorcise our demons by finding our fault in our resentments and fears. We can take inventory on a daily basis. We can be of service and give to others.

     Remember that depression is a purely selfish state of being, so getting outside of ourselves is the single best thing for us. And if these things don’t work right away, it’s because they’re not meant to. It’s not supposed to be easy. It takes courage and guts. God doesn’t help those who don’t do some hard work first. Try some work and keep up with it, and see what happens. Eventually, the depression will dissipate as you empower yourself and become stronger through right action. Eventually, you will even out and be able to control your emotions.

     The point of life isn’t to be in a constant state of rapture anyway. The best thing for us is not to get too low or too high. Why don’t doctors promote the medicine of reality? I know, I know… because it doesn’t pay. Plus, it’s also fun for them to use us like guinea pigs. Pretty soon they’ll have the entire country on medication. That should be interesting.

     I know people will get mad at me and say that I could be telling someone not to take meds who then might go commit suicide. Well, first of all, I’m not telling anybody to do anything. I’m telling you what I did and what I know for myself. Secondly, sure someone might commit suicide without meds, but they also might take a bunch of meds, then stop taking them, then have a psychotic break, and then walk into the office with a loaded assault rifle.

     Do we really want to be re-wiring our brains without any idea of the possible consequences? If you’re an adult, then fine, do what you want. But let’s leave the kids out of it. What do you say? Don’t tell me a 3 year-old has bipolar and ADHD, and should be medicated to the point of catatonia.

God, help me get better through Your power alone…

Anger

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     Anger is a lack of purpose…

     Some punk kid called me a prick the other day after wrecking one of our apartment doors, so I pretty much lost it. The best is that I didn’t react at first, but upon further reflection, or rather lack thereof, I let him have it. I just couldn’t let it go.

     Anger is a code word, like depression. Underneath depression is anger. Underneath anger is grief, and underneath grief is spiritual imbalance. Spiritual illness often results from a lack of purpose. If I’m on the wrong path, I am spiritually ill. If I’m on a path that doesn’t serve anyone, I am spiritually ill. And if I have found the right path of service but stop serving for a while, I become spiritually ill.

     Conversely, when I am giving of myself, I don’t get angry. When I am working with others, I don’t get angry. When I am speaking, writing, meditating and praying, I don’t get angry. When I am constantly taking actions that bring me closer to God, I don’t get angry.

     We addicts should never retreat from life, from others, from reaching out. We should never isolate and become consumed by self. Service is by far the greatest gift we have been given.

God, help me to let go of my anger, fear, resentment and self-loathing…

Palpable Depression

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     Sinking into a severe depression is absolutely brutal and absolutely terrifying. It is intense and it is crippling. The terror is thinking and believing that it may never end. You don’t know how to get out of it and nothing you try works. You think that the rest of your life will be filled with the agony of depression, void of all joy and pleasure. You feel like a veil of darkness covers every inch of your life experience. I know what this feels like. I’ve felt it many times. And when the depression lifted, I felt like it was gone and would never come back. And then it came back. Many times. It was the single greatest scar on my life experience, far worse than my alcohol and drug addiction.

     Depression stings. It bites and stabs and burns. It rips you apart. It paralyzes you. It numbs you in every possible way. It somehow grabs hold of your mind and robs you of your will, let alone your mere ability to function. It convinces you that there is really no reason to live life this way. 
     For now, I won’t get into some of my tougher views on depression. I know how brutal it is and how difficult it is to get rid of. So let’s just focus on what can be done.
     Many people will go straight for the meds. I shunned them. Maybe because I’m a stubborn, obstinate bastard. But I think it may have been something deeper. Somewhere in my maimed soul, I knew that pills were not the way out. I knew that even if they worked on the symptoms, they wouldn’t really cure what ails me. And I knew that when I stopped taking them, I’d be in the exact same predicament that I was to begin with: insane and untreated. So I personally wouldn’t opt for the meds… unless maybe you’re a schizophrenic psychopath.  
    Then there is the entire world of self-help, including books, natural medicine, diet, nature trips like Outward Bound and NOLS, and the list goes on… 
     Then there is the change of lifestyle method, which includes changing jobs, towns, states, friends, relationships, and on and on…
     All of the above failed me 100%. 
     Then there is action. Action is the only thing in this world that pulled me out of my depressions. It is also the only thing that subsequently evened me out and strengthened me enough that I have never slipped back into one. I know what everybody says… that all the things listed above are actions. Let me clarify. The kind of action I’m referring to is of a different nature. The focus is different. Depression shouldn’t be avoided. We shouldn’t try to cure it or rid ourselves from it. It IS us. Therefore, I need to walk right into it. I need to confront it. I also should show some compassion to it along the way. Why not sit down beside these horrible, painful, brutal feelings and befriend them? Why not embrace them as part of me? As the Native American proverb goes, What you resist will persist. If I try to fight the depression and make war with it, it will only get stronger and more palpable.
    Once I learn to befriend it, then I confront. Walk into the fear. All of those things that make you feel insecure and self-conscious: Do them! Over and over and over. Do the very things that your depression makes you want to avoid. And avoid the things that ease the depression. Sounds counter-intuive, right? Yeah, that’s because it is. Depression wants us to cower and avoid everything. It wants us to isolate and go further inward, becoming more numb and dysfunctional. So do the exact opposite. 
    The more I face depression, the more I can do the things that I least want to do… and soon the very things that I fear the most begin to lose power. Eventually, the depression will lift, but more importantly, I now have the inner strength and the centeredness to prevent it from taking me over again. 

     And that is the difference between taking pills and taking action.

God, give me the power to walk through my feelings, and teach me that feelings don’t have to stop me…

Depression, Real But Impermanent

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     Okay, so depression is real… although I realize that it may be hard for people to understand how someone could literally be incapable of pulling themselves out of bed and functioning in the world. But you cannot fully understand something that you don’t have and that you haven’t experienced for yourself.

   
     When I was 18, the big D first hit me like a ton of bricks. It was palpable, alive. It encroached me like a storm cloud and wrapped itself around my body, smothering every inch of my inner experience until I was lost in darkness, crippled and paralyzed. It was heavy, and affected all senses. I couldn’t smell smells. Couldn’t taste tastes. Skin was numb. Labido gone. Interests gone. Pleasure gone. Life became nothing more than breathing, a constant state of agony, and the torture of my speeding, racy mind. All night my mind would race around. One thought, ten thoughts, hundreds and hundreds of thoughts just pounding away. And what if it never ends?

     The self-consciousness and insecurity was so bitter and so strong that it felt as if I’d never be able to function or enjoy anything again. I didn’t go anywhere because it was so unbearable for anyone to see me so weak and pathetic. Suicide was a possibility except that I was a total, utter coward. When I saw others having fun, engaging, talking, eating, listening to music, or any other normal activity – it was like being stabbed. I felt like I was missing out on a life that I could never get back. I was missing out on my one chance to enjoy life. 

     You’ll be glad to know that I no longer suffer from depression to any degree whatsoever. I have studied neuroscience and seen evidence of bio-chemical depression and there certainly appears to be significant brain changes in the severely depressed. But there’s a catch. My doctors told me there is no way out unless I’m medicated for life. They told me it will never go away and the only effective treatment for symptoms was medication. First of all, if I take medication to relieve my depression, as soon as I stop taking it, I’m right back where I started, but worse. What sort of solution is that? Plus, I’m stubborn and I want to heal from the root of my depression – the underlying spiritual illness. I want the depression and its causes to be expelled from me forever. I don’t want to be a zombie. I don’t want to lose every ounce of creative talent and inspiration that I have. I don’t want to put up a brick wall between me and God. 
     The good news is you can literally change your bio-chemistry without any medication whatsoever. 8 years ago I changed my brain and rid myself of fear, depression and addiction by, yup, praying, meditating, writing inventory, helping others and living by spiritual principles. Don’t worry, I make mistakes constantly. I’m still a dick sometimes. I freak out, get angry, act like a psycho behind the wheel, manage to hurt others, and screw up my mind on a regular basis. But I did enough work to conquer my clinical depression and to activate a line between me and God – like a telephone line that I can tap into anytime, anywhere. 
     None of my psychiatrists believe that I actually cured myself of depression and addiction without medication of any sort. They don’t know how to wrap their heads around how certain spiritual actions and certain spiritual realities can cause scientific changes. Dumbasses. Jk. 
God, teach me how to let go, to be where I am, to feel what I feel…