Monthly Archives: July 2012

Families & Codependency

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     Families don’t need to suffer…

     Families and spouses can become spiritually ill and go somewhat insane themselves, just as the addict. Let’s face it, if you live with a crazy person, chances are you will go sort of crazy yourself. An addict’s negative energy permeates all who surround him. If and when the addict gets better, spouses and family members are suddenly slammed with the pile of crap inside of them that had built up and was perhaps ignored by necessity. They begin to suffer greatly and wonder why.

     Why do I feel more awful now that he or she has gotten well? I should feel better now… but I feel worse!

     Our addiction is their bridge to insanity. The addiction of another can become a necessary preoccupation from their own worsening mental sickness, anxiety or depression. In a strange, almost pain-dependent way, families remain in a comfort zone of their own by trying to control, fix, manipulate, instigate, antagonize… all things a healthy person would recoil from. But for codependents, addiction provides them with a strange relief by enabling them to constantly deflect their own pain, self-responsibility, character flaws, or dependency issues. This is why most couples break up after the addict gets better. If one person gets better and the other does not, there isn’t much of a happy future ahead. Also, the sober addict is often nothing like the way he or she used to be. His or her spouse might wake up and realize,

     Wait a minute, I’m not sure I even like this person! Sure they were an asshole when actively drinking, but it was that old personality I fell in love with, not this new one.  
     Regardless of what happens, once an addict achieves health and sanity, many family members and loved ones cannot help but realize how much pain they are in. Therefore, parents and spouses usually need the same thing addicts do – for the hole inside them to be filled. It does not seem fair, and the truth is, it’s not. But it’s reality. Codependents have always had us addicts to distract them and to blame. If we suddenly get better, there is no more distraction and nothing more to blame. Everything inside that the codependent has neatly tucked away now stares them right in the face. Time to take some action.

     I strongly suggest that any spouses, parents, close relatives or friends who are suffering, even long after the addict has recovered, go out and embark on a rigorous Twelve Step process. It may save them as well. To note, they can follow the exact same Big Book Twelve Step directions that we do. All they need is to find a recovered sponsor or an al-anon sponsor who has taken these Steps and recovered.

    Ultimately, the only thing you can really do to change anything is to let go of the addict and go heal yourself.

God, please give our families and spouses the willingness and power to heal and grow…

Parents & Spouses Take Steps

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     Seven years ago, I got to escape to my cozy little treatment center to rest and recover, to nourish myself and feel better. I got to eat well, heal myself and focus on my spirit. I got to run away from the world all over again while my wife was left to deal with the bills, rent, insane phone calls from drug dealers… and a mountain of heartache. As my insanity washed away, her’s sunk in. While she was preoccupied with my lunacy, a well of pain and resentment had built up inside her. She knew she had to do something, so she became willing, and then took Steps, just as I.

     What my wife did took untold courage. She could have said,

     “To hell with this, why do I have to get better? You’re the selfish piece of shit drug addict, and now I’m the one who has to change?! How fair is that? Screw it, I’m out of here!”

     But my wife knew she was hurting. And yes it’s my fault, but people in the addict’s life choose to respond in different ways. Someone else’s addiction can become an excuse to avoid one’s own unresolved pain or anger, a way to remain in the comfort zone of victimization, a way to set the standard lower for themselves. One way or the other, families do not have to go on suffering. There is a solution for them too. Spouses and families can also take Steps. Anyone can. 

     Sure the Twelve Steps were designed for the alcoholic and drug addict. The bottom line, however, is they are simple tools of action that enable any person to heal, grow and change. The absence of Self, in my opinion, is to the benefit of anyone, addict or non-addict.

     This process pushed both me and my wife to do some growing up, to become honest, and to get outside of ourselves a little bit in an effort to serve others. We are far, far from perfect but now have the tools to cultivate a more selfless attitude, which, if used, can open us to deeper love, tolerance, patience, and most importantly, some humility. The returns are well worth it. Most of all, we have some peace of mind. We see good things happen to those we love and to ourselves.

     Cause and effect: Positive actions, positive results. Negative actions, negative results. Universal.

God, please help all those who suffer find their way to the Steps and to You…

Self Will vs God’s Will

Posted on by under Forcing, God's Will, Grasping, Self Will

     When I get out of my own way, what fills the space is God’s will…   
   
     The only time something becomes impossible is when I become hell bent on getting it. I used to agonize over getting things. I had to have this, become that, change into this, look like that. The more I pushed, the farther away it all went. Trying to grasp too hard, I couldn’t seem to actually get anything.

     I pushed and pushed to become a musician, and the more I pushed, the farther away the record deal got. I pushed and pushed to become an actor, and the more I pushed, the farther away the lead role got. I pushed and pushed to become a writer, and the more I pushed, the more the rejection letters came pouring in. I pushed and pushed to make money, and the more I pushed, the less money I made. I pushed and pushed to become enlightened, and the more I pushed, the more angry, frustrated and depressed I became.

     But when I finally let go of needing to achieve, I found peace. When I stop trying to force my will, everything began to materialize. When I let go of my selfish desires, dreams and hopes, they began to hit me in the face when I wasn’t looking. When I simply let go and focused on doing the right thing in this moment, everything fell into place. When I put all of my ambitions aside and just focused on growing spiritually, I became free.

     Sure I have to work, pay the bills, and put some effort into my art, business and spiritual growth… but when I let go of the outcome, that’s when I feel truly calm. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever doesn’t happen, doesn’t. Whatever comes, comes and whatever goes, goes. Letting go is the best thing I have learned because I don’t care about the outcome anymore.

     Expectation is a form of torture. But forgetting about all the worldly shit I thought I had to achieve and instead accepting God’s will, I am free. And by God’s will, I don’t mean anything in particular. All that means is letting go of my insane need to push and drive and speed and force my way here and there, conquering this or that.

     God’s will, in the simplest terms, is just NOT my own. I simply do what’s right in front of me and the next thing will happen on its own. And when I do actively pursue something, it’s because I have become still and quiet, and my gut tells me that I need to go do this thing. When I wake up and know what I need to do, that is God’s will. When a friend, relative or sponsee calls for help, that is God’s will. When I feel compelled to create something, fix something, get rid of something or attend to something, that is God’s will. When I get out of my own way, what fills the space is God’s will.

Also see: Self Will for God’s Will

God, help me to let go and align with Your will for me…

2nd Step

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Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

     If I can take a 1st Step, then I can take a 2nd Step. Without knowing it, by taking a 1st Step, we’ve already taken a 2nd Step.

     I remember sitting in treatment and a fellow knucklehead was trying to convince me that I had no power. I went on one of my embarrassing rants, asserting that I had power… just let it get a little out of hand. That’s when another guy stared me down and told me if I was still thinking that way, I just wasted my first three days.

     And then the 1st Step hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that for all the things I could do, the one thing I couldn’t was to control my addiction. Drugs and alcohol had me by the balls. That’s probably why I was sitting in rehab wearing four flannel shirts in the middle of summer after stumbling into detox looking like a corpse.

     So I’ve just admitted that drugs and alcohol are more powerful than me. If I can believe that, why can’t I believe that there is something else more powerful that can fix me? Suddenly I realized that I didn’t have to freak out about believing in a Greater Power. There are an endless slew of things more powerful than us humans. We are at the mercy of so many forces, both worldly and other-worldly.

     But to keep it simple, if I’ve just admitted, felt, and understood that drugs and alcohol have power over me, it was simple logic to accept the possibility of something else more powerful that could effect positive change. And it wasn’t long before my blind faith proved true. There was indeed something much, much more powerful than myself, and it shook me to the core one night up North. For a brief time, I felt a force far greater than drugs and alcohol take over my body and mind. In an instant, it removed any and all urge to drink or use drugs. It emptied my mind and filled my heart. I’m sure you can guess what it was. And as it began to seep through my veins, I began to feel a sense of purpose. Instead of a compulsion to drink or use drugs, I felt a compulsion to help others.

     Seven years later, I still feel that compulsion. Living proof that the 12 Steps effect miracles and life long recovery (if taken directly from the Big Book and if taken thoroughly and fearlessly. 99% = 0%.)

God, teach us to be still and know…

Nothing & Nobody

Posted on by under Addiction 101, Frothy Emotional Appeal

     When I came home from treatment, a friend of mine looked at me and said something like, “Man, I’m so proud of you! No wonder you got better… look at everything you have! You got sober for your wife and your family and all the stuff you have. Good job!”

     I thought to myself, Oh my God, this guy has no idea how sick I really am.

     He didn’t understand that nothing we have can get us sober or keep us sober. Likewise, nothing anybody says to us can keep us from drinking or using. No relationship, job, or possession means shit to us when it comes to our addiction. Trust me, I didn’t get sober because I was hurting my wife and mom. Sure, that would be a damn good reason. But the truth is that there is nothing on this earth that could actually get me to stop.

      When I did finally manage to stop after 15 years of chronic drug addiction, it was only because I was broke, couldn’t get more money, could barely stand up, felt like I was dying, and to avoid feeling like I was dying, I dragged myself into an emergency room so some detox program would medicate me. That’s all. Yes, it’s sick. Yes, it’s selfish. And yes, it’s somewhat sociopathic.

     But everyone should be clear: Nothing and nobody can make or give addicts enough reasons to stop. They will only stop once they’re broke, in jail, or their hearts stop. Non-addicts can’t fully understand the inability of an addict to stay sober. They think it’s entirely a matter of control and willpower. Well, what if your will is broken? What if you can no longer respond rationally or reasonably to thoughts of using? What if you are insane?

     Bottom line: Addicts have a chip missing. Nothing can get us to stop unless we somehow manage to get ourselves clean and then wind up with a recovered sponsor or wind up at a treatment center/sober house where we take Steps, find God, and grow a new mind.

     But if you’re an addict out there, maybe don’t tell your wife about that right when you get home. It might be nice for her to think you got sober because of her… and perhaps for her.

“Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices.” – Dr. William D. Silkworth

God, teach us that no person, place or thing can fix us or keep us sober…

Sartre

Posted on by under Existence Precedes Essence, Sarte, Self Responsibility

     Jean Paul Sartre: “Existence precedes essence”.

     Whether we end up a hero or a drug addict, Sartre contends that we make ourselves into who or what we are. If we become a drug addicts, we have turned ourselves into drug addicts. There is no blaming our genes, or our parents, or our feelings, or our psychic pain from a past life. Likewise, if we become heroes, it is because we have turned ourselves into heroes.

     We are not born alcoholics or drug addicts. We turn ourselves into them. Sure, there is now scientific evidence of an alcoholic allele, responsible for a predisposition to substance dependency. But we never become useless, selfish alcoholics unless we actually start drinking over and over and over and over. The booze doesn’t crawl its way up our bodies and pour itself down our throats. Neither do we become addicts because of our sadness, or our family tree, or the stress of our lives. We do it to ourselves and therefore we are solely responsible for turning ourselves into addicts. We are solely responsible for breaking our minds and our bodies. We cannot blame anything or anyone for becoming alcoholic cowards.

     I often get the chance to remind myself of Sartre’s wisdom every time I beat myself up for not achieving something, for not having something, for not being completely f’ing enlightened. I get to remind myself that nothing external is to blame for what I am or for where I am in life. And sure, though my specific genetic structure and certain predispositions may coincide with who I am now, the cementing of my behaviors, my abilities, and my personality is my doing and my doing alone.

     So the next time I sulk and cry into my pity pot, Sartre will kindly remind me that I am what I do, that I am making myself into who and what I am everyday… and therefore I can at any time simply get off my ass and change. And because Sartre was kind enough not to hoard his gifts, he reminds us all that our “existence precedes our essence”.

God, help me to always remember that I make myself who I am through my own words, thoughts and actions…

Sartre, Kierkegaard & Existentialism

Once An Addict…

Posted on by under Always An Addict, Broken Body, No Regrets, Replace Addiction With God

     There is no such thing as making an addict into a non-addict, or making a non-recreational user into a recreational user again. There are programs out there that claim to do just that, but trust me, if you’re a real addict, then your body is completely broken and you are physically screwed for the rest of your life. We will most certainly die some day with the body of an addict.

     At a meeting I used to run, guys would say to me that if doctors had some surgery or magic pill that would suddenly make me normal and able to use moderately again, I would take it. One guy yelled at me and called me a liar when I said I wouldn’t even think of swallowing this magic pill. Why? Because what I have now, what I have been given as a result of my addiction, I wouldn’t give up for anything. I would much rather be an addict with the spiritual life I have now than some joe zombie who, yes, may be able to drink socially with friends on the weekend, but is void of this new dimension that has cracked open in my head and my consciousness.

     My shrunken, narrow world has expanded. Anything is possible now. I can breathe and pray and suddenly my brain changes and I feel calm and at peace again. Just like that. I walk down the street sometimes and suddenly feel lifted up for no apparent reason. I can sit down at home for hours on end with no phone, music, tv, or any other distraction and feel completely content. What is that? What is that, short of a miracle, short of some new connection or access I have to GOD.

    I’d never have the inner life I have now had I not wallowed in the dirty depths of alcoholism, opiate addiction, and severe depression. So I don’t have the slightest regret of becoming an addict. We addicts shouldn’t be bummed out when we give up the right to do certain things, for it is a blessing. Having given up certain things, the door is now open for something else to come in… something much better, something beautiful. Because we were hopeless drug addicts, we can replace our addiction with something very powerful. Take a wild guess what that is…

God, thank you for saving my life and showering me with blessings…

Suspending Disbelief

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     Someone came to me recently about a problem they had with the spiritual element of the AA program. I say spiritual and not religious, as religious implies adherence to a specific doctrine or creed filled with codes and rituals. AA does not wish to force feed anybody religious doctrine. It does however question whether a chronic and hopeless alcoholic can quit upon a non-spiritual basis. If that be the case, we must then be at least willing to accept that there is something Greater than us that can solve our problem. We must turn to God.
     
     But if we are athiest or are particularly stubborn or proud, we may have to temporarily suspend our disbelief in order to open that door. So we simply take all of our beliefs and attitudes and carefully move them aside. While they are temporarily suspended, we embark on the Twelve Steps and see what happens. Chances are that if we are thorough and fearless with our Step work, something happens to us along the way and we suddenly find it easy to accept spiritual concepts and the existence of God, of spiritual Power.
     
     Whether we call it God or Higher Power or Buddha or Tao or Yahweh makes little difference. All that we addicts need in order to recover is a simple willingess to accept the presence of God or God-Power. Right then and there can we begin to rely on this great and limitless power to guide us through our once chaotic lives. We can stop and pray and listen. We can use this power to help us do things that we previously could not do on our own. 
     
     I was in shock and awe at all the things that I could suddenly and quite easily achieve once I let go of my arrogance (arrogance regarding admitting defeat) and self-will, once I got underneath something and began to give credit where credit was due. Once I realized that the power of God was solely responsible for fixing me and was solely responsible for my ability to do right and achieve success, I was well on my way. All good things that have come to me are from God and are God. And all the power I now have to achieve something or to be a good person is given from God and is God. 

     And by the way, I’m still an obstinate bastard with a shitload of character defects… so nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

     God, help me to expel the poison within so that I may be filled up with Your power…

Willing To Be Wrong

Posted on by under Preconceived Notions/Attitudes

     Probably the most important thing we can do to get better is to become willing to be wrong. This was a central theme up North. The Big Book astutely notes that we addicts are obstinate types. We like to argue with you even when we know we are wrong. You say up, I say down. You say left, I say right. You say hi, I say fuck you. We just like to argue. Besides being ridiculous, this sort of attitude can become very dangerous for an alcoholic or an addict who is trying to get better.

     Recovering, healing and growing is all about being wrong. In order to move forward, we peel away a slew of beliefs, notions and attitudes that we were wrong about. With addiction, we come to understand that we were wrong about having power over drugs and alcohol. We were wrong about being able to manage and control our lives during active addiction. We were wrong about being able to get better on our own. We were wrong about not needing spiritual help. We were wrong about all those people we resented. We were wrong about other people’s intentions and opinions of us. We were wrong about entire groups of people, about certain institutions and certain principles. Bottom line: Thinking that we are right about everything is by far the largest obstacle to getting better.
     Other obstacles include stubbornness, such as our inability to let go of the preconceived ideas or prejudices we have. We think that if something isn’t there for us to see and touch, then it doesn’t exist. We aren’t willing to just step into the darkness on faith alone that we will be alright. But blind faith is exactly what the doctor ordered. I never would have recovered if I hadn’t taken a leap of faith. We don’t get the results until we take the leap first. Take the leap, do the work, let go and have faith in something other than our egotistical selves, and then God will restore us to sanity. Let go of our worldly agenda and instead put our spiritual growth first, ahead of everything… and then everything else will fall into place. If all I do is to simply do the right thing, I will somehow be provided with what I need. And that is nothing short of a miracle.
     If we are to truly get better, we must be willing to be wrong. We must put our spiritual health before all else – before our jobs, plans, dreams, even our families and spouses. The #1 priority for any addict who plans on living a good life is his or her relationship with God.
God, teach me to be willing to be wrong… 

Giving Up Rights

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     Once I lose control of something, I give up the right to continue doing it. I give up that right simply because I’ve lost control. There are consequences to losing control. I hurt myself and more importantly, I hurt others. Beyond that, I become useless to the world. I fail to contribute to my fullest capacity. I become irresponsible as a human being. Losing control means that the world has lost a productive soul.

     The second I can no longer control my drinking, I no longer have the right to drink. The second I can no longer control my drug use, I no longer have the right to use drugs.

     And it’s the same with every other destructive behavior, action, thought, word, or state of mind.

     If I lose control of my anger, I no longer have the right to get angry (not be angry, get angry). If I lose control over my depression, I no longer have the right to get depressed (and if it happens, then it is my sole duty not to STAY depressed, but rather pull myself out). If I lose control of my anxiety, I no longer have the right to be anxious. If I lose control of my selfishness, I no longer have the right to be selfish. If I lose control of my narcissism, I no longer have the right to be narcissistic. If I lose control of my self-seeking, I no longer have the right to be self-seeking. If I lose control of my integrity, I no longer have the right to be dishonest. If I lose control of my fear, I no longer have the right to live in fear. If I lose control of my mental illness, I no longer have the right to remain mentally ill. If I lose control of my financial responsibility, I no longer have the right to be financially irresponsible. If I lose control of my laziness, I no longer have the right to be lazy. If I lose control of my physical health, I no longer have the right to be physically unhealthy.

     Apply this to anything… especially if you’re an addict. There are no excuses for losing control. It’s nobody’s fault but our own.

     Anyone who has the capacity to be honest with themselves can yield (granted it’s a process) to any of these negative behaviors. So there is no excuse to stop doing any of the above things unless we do not have the capacity to be honest. And yes, there are people out there who simply can’t be honest. I know a few myself, and let me tell you, as sad as it is, they are pretty much hopeless. They will continue to hurt others and hurt themselves without having any clue that they’re doing so. Watch out for these types. We’re not doormats. We must set strong boundaries, especially when we’re in recovery.

     So other than all that, there isn’t much to worry about… haha.

God, please heal and grow my conscience, that I may better know right from wrong…