Category Archives: Narcissism

Grandiosity

Posted on by under Narcissism, psychopaths

     During my annoyingly manic, painfully self-seeking, falling-down-drunk, living in Boston phase, I used to dress up in a Brooks Brothers suit and custom Italian loafers and saunter around Back Bay pretending to be some ultra-rich, ultra successful, corporate wheeler and dealer who just didn’t have the time to spend all the money he was making, and certainly didn’t have the time to care. Special note to alcoholics and addicts, especially those of you who are in one of your manic, show-off phases:

     Nobody cares about what you’re doing. Nobody cares about how you look. Nobody cares about your feelings. And everything that you think is just so important, well, um, nope… it isn’t. You are not special and you don’t suffer any more than anybody else. 

     Addicts who are still having fun with it and don’t look totally emaciated and run over yet often exhibit this sort of grandiosity. If you’ve ever known a narcissist, than you know how brutally annoying it can be. I consider myself rather fortunate to be frequently swarmed by a narcissist, as they are a great teacher of mine. And I hate to say it, but narcissists are often psychopaths, and since addicts are neck-deep in grandiosity, we should probably look at that in more depth, if only to serve as a warning…

     Narcissists think they are the most amazing things in all of creation. They wholeheartedly believe they are perhaps the most talented geniuses who are surely destined for fame and glory… even if the stuff they are producing is utter garbage, as it often is.

     Narcissists will love you or hate you, idolize you or demonize you, charm you or abuse the shit out of you, simply to get what they want. They will stop at nothing, like various types of prostitutes, to obtain false, external power. They are so shattered as a human and as a spirit that everything they say when hurt is pure projection. If you step on the toes of a narcissist, watch out, for you are now in the presence of a psychopath. You have just incurred the wrath of a sadistic monster who will stop at nothing to tear you to shreds.

     After a narcissist thoroughly abuses and thrashes you, they won’t look back for a split second. They feel full and uplifted inside if they have successfully and profoundly hurt you. They have no real feelings whatsoever for anybody else. All they care about in this world are themselves, only seeing the world through their twisted, pathologically self-centered lens. Everything is an extension of the narcissist, the world begins and ends with them, and thus anything and everything is to be used solely as a tool to get what they want. They are 100% convinced that their lives, feelings, thoughts, and ambitions are far more important than anybody else’s.

     They are the most dangerous people in the world to mess with, so if you can, avoid them like the plague. Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to avoid the plans, schemes and designs of these narcissistic psychopaths, as they surround us in large numbers. In fact, many of them run the country, the central banks, the IMF, the CFR, the BIS etc.

(See Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathology.)

     As far as manic addicts are concerned, our grandiosity may not go quite this far, but this is why we MUST take Steps. Getting sober surely isn’t enough when we have a mountain of filth to clean out from within. Sober addicts are extremely sick individuals, and we owe it to ourselves, our spouses, our families, our friends, and to the good of the world to do endless work on ourselves in an effort to rid us from our embarrassing selves… our false selves.

     Recently, a seething pile of AA goers, especially atheist AA goers (if there is such a thing), gave me endless crap about addressing the moral aspect of our sickness. But really, after hurting others for so long and being so selfish, isn’t it time we take off the diapers and stop using AA to complain about how hard it is to be an alcoholic and how hard it is to stay sober, and how nobody knows how we feel, and wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh…

     Isn’t it time we get over ourselves?

God, please rid me of the filth and poison of narcissism and grandiosity…

Change Is Internal

Posted on by under Mind Change, Narcissism, Perception, Psychic Change

     Nothing outside of us can change us (other than God). We have to change ourselves…

     The problem with addicts is that that we carry this flaw into our recovery. Our self-absorbed frame of mind tells us that even our recovery is dependent on the outside world. We have a grand old time blaming anyone and anything when we feel like shit or when something goes wrong. Because we are so full of pride and arrogance and bullshit, we cannot see that nothing outside of us is responsible for how we feel or for what happens to us.
     We must be aware that our narcissism still pervades our perception far into recovery. We often think that our recovery itself is dependent on things taking place outside of ourselves.
     If my boss was only there when I went to make an amends, I’d be okay right now. If my wife would only do some work on herself, I’d be much better spiritually. If my family would only change along with me, I’d be more recovered than I am by now. If people would only forgive me, my depression would be gone already. If I had only gotten that job, I could’ve made amends to my creditors, but because there is no work, I have to stiff them, and then if I relapse, it’s not my fault.
     Wait a minute, wasn’t the whole point of getting better to finally understand that we alone are responsible for who we are, what we are, how we feel, and what happens to us? Wasn’t the whole point of taking Steps to propel us into the light of reality?
     In order to grow, change or get better to any degree at all, alcoholics and addicts must fully understand that we are where we are because of us and us alone. No one and no thing gets us better or worse. If we change, it’s because we change ourselves. If we fail, it’s because we fail ourselves.
God, help me understand and remember that change comes from within…

Projection

Posted on by under Immaturity, Narcissism, Projection, Self-Hatred

     When we engage in projection, we are in a state of delusion. Projection is when we transfer or “project” our own defects onto someone else. We accuse others of the very qualities, behaviors and attitudes that we own ourselves. So when I’m screaming at someone, or judging them, or calling them names, or ripping them apart from every angle, I should be screaming in a mirror because I’m really just talking about myself. I tend to think that when we lash out angrily at others, most of what we say is projection. Addicts, narcissists and crazy people who are incapable of assuming any responsibility for their words, thoughts and actions engage in pathological projection. I suppose it’s a defense mechanism born of too much pride, shame, self-hatred and immaturity.
   
     We who project are like children who never grew up. We become ever more damaged and now live in a deluded world of our own, broken from reality and shattered to the core. I know a few crazies like this, and let me say that now I know how annoying and pathetic I once was. When my son was born, I became the object of someone’s projection, and I thanked God that though I became an alcoholic, I didn’t become damaged beyond repair. I never lost the capacity to be honest with myself, which, along with willingness, is the one requirement to getting better. But if I had become this damaged, my entire life would have become a joke. It would have become a waste of air, water and other precious natural resources. I would have gone through my entire life hurting others with no shame, no remorse, no accountability…

     So to my fellow addicts out there still abusing people at will, take the advice one of my guides so kindly imparted to me long ago:

     Grow up.

God, please remove my defects of character, and replace them with love…

Drug Induced Mania

Posted on by under Narcissism, Phonies, Self vs Others

     I remember going to some dinner thing at my in-laws years ago. My poor wife just wanted me to act like a normal, sweet guy so her family wasn’t absolutely terrified. That didn’t happen.

     First, the one thing I never could help doing was to get jammed out of my freaking mind before any sort of social event. Then I dress up as if I was actually successful – some mix of a Wall Street hot shot / glamour model / Harvard intellecutal. Upon entering, all of the self-indulgent stories and jokes I rehearsed come barreling out of my mouth. I’m sure everybody is looking at me with awe and envy. Um, yeah they were looking, but only in disgust. The only person in the room who is actually comfortable is me. Everybody else is annoyed beyond belief and suffering my presence.

     Quick little reminder to any addicts out there who happen to be in one of your manic, show-off phases: Nobody is looking at you. Nobody cares what you’re doing. Nobody cares about your intellect, your achievements, your body or your wit. Heads only turn to see the freak show who is clearly high on crack or heroin or booze, and is acting like a complete asshole.

     So what’s the problem with sauntering into rooms like I own the world? What’s the problem with The Charlie Show? What’s the big deal with being loud, obnoxious, cocky, and manic? Doesn’t everybody love me and my demented sense of humor? Doesn’t everybody think I’m The Man? Um, yeah sure they do – in my MIND.

     What I am really is an embarrassment. I am a phony. The gap between who I’m pretending to be and who I actually am is practically endless. Addicts love to exaggerate everything. They turn everything, good or bad, from a molehill into a mountain. If I made $1,000 on some deal, it turns into $10,000. If I made $35,000 last year, let’s just call it $100,000. If my GPA in school was a 3.2, why don’t we turn that into a 3.95 with honors? But if I failed today at work, it’s because of some prick client and obviously had nothing to do with me. Addicts are frauds.

     This is narcissism. Every addict suffers from it. We have no clue how deeply we may be affecting others. We forget that other people also have feelings, thoughts, worries, sadness, successes and accomplishments. But that doesn’t matter to narcissists. Nope. The only thing that matters in this world is ME. Don’t you know that? A good wake up call for me was when I realized that not everybody is wondering about me every second of their lives. In fact, most people aren’t wondering about me at all, let alone preoccupied with me, as every narcissist assumes and perhaps even wishes.

     Getting better was feeling the shame of who I was. But only for a little while, because eventually I had to learn how to accept and love myself again – in a healthy way. We addicts are not doormats. We must stand up and protect ourselves. But it sure is useful (and humbling) never to forget the absolute shitheads that we once were.

     Now I get it. Now I see how unattractive it is. Now I can strive to get out of myself day after day, which can be an entire Life Purpose in and of itself. Now I can spend some time thinking about others, and perhaps even lend a hand. The best thing an addict can do is to spend some time not thinking about themselves. Go ahead, Charlie, think about someone else for a change.

God, teach me to be more other-centered…