“We doctors have realized for a long time (not anymore, mind you) that some form of moral psychology was of urgent importance to alcoholics, but its application presented difficulties beyond our conception (um, yeah, you can’t give someone a pill to change them into a better person).” – Alcoholics Anonymous, xxvii

     What is moral psychology?

     Moral psychology is treating the soul through moral change or moral action. Thus, the desired effect that healing morally has on one’s soul is procured through the application of moral psychology, and it is crucial to the recovery of an alcoholic or drug addict. Without moral change, we cannot heal spiritually, and if we cannot heal spiritually, we are doomed.

     The Big Book saved my life… and there is a very specific reason for that. It taught me that while there is no hope of achieving lifelong sobriety without healing and changing both morally and spiritually, there is hope if I do. This was prophetic to me, and I knew deep in my heart it was the truth. I knew I needed spiritual help more than anything else, and I knew it with every cell in my body.

     None of my doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, addiction counselors, or even the knuckleheads I met in local AA meetings told me this was necessary. I was told that I would always be a chronic, hopeless addict, with all sorts of mental disorders, who needed to ‘just keep comin’ and to avoid people, places and things that “made” me want to use.

     Wrong!

     Any view or treatment strategy that leaves out moral and spiritual repair is doomed to fail. That is a fact. At least that is my experience. I failed for 15 years following the advice of doctors and science and untreated AA members, but then suddenly, when someone opened up the Big Book and explained addiction to me, I was lit up inside. I applied the Steps with everything I have within me and have been free of addiction, mental illness and medication ever since. That was 9 years ago.

     My life is also different. Before, when I got sober, from point A to point B, nothing changed. I knew I wasn’t better. I still sank into depressions. I was still driven and overwhelmed by fear, insecurity, self-consciousness, etc. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t okay. I knew it was only a matter of time before I used again. And I did. Over and over and over.

     So it is a disservice of the highest degree to sell addicts and their families remedies and false solutions that are fundamentally flawed and destined to fail from the outset. The community of addiction treatment providers and of watered-down, Step-less AA should be ashamed for failing so many unnecessarily. Any solution for addiction that is morally and spiritually hollow is not a solution. I’ve tried going the Godless, actionless route and trust me, you don’t want to go there. It is a waste of your time, and it is a waste of your family’s time.

     I know I go off on the Establishment quite a bit, but the medical and academic hubris of certain doctors and the sort of obstinate, childlike understanding of addiction should be exposed in an effort to change conventional treatment programs for the better.

     The Establishment will never get it. In an article last year about my story, the twelve step process was challenged by some of the ‘top’ PhDs in the field of alcohol and drug addiction. It’s difficult to fathom the intricate link these guys have to policy decisions given the lack of understanding or insight into the nature of addiction and the power of the spiritual solution. Not only that, but for all of the supposed cognitive prowess, the knowledge and understanding displayed about AA and the Steps was quite deficient. If we’re going to comment on something in a national article, is it too much to ask to know our facts?

     Yes, Charlie, that is far too much to ask. And don’t question us either, we are far more intelligent than you on the subject of addiction.   

     Right, sorry.

     Their central argument against the twelve steps is the lack of scientific evidence to suggest the application of such a process makes any significant difference in promoting long-term sobriety. First, excuse me while I go laugh. So just because you have clinical data on, say, success rates of methadone maintenance, that means it’s a more viable treatment method then the power of a rigorous and life-changing twelve step process? That sort of thinking by some of our best and brightest is about as sophisticated as the dump I took this morning. Sure methadone ‘success rates’ are gonna look pretty good on your data set because methadone keeps us jammed out of our fucking minds.

     Perhaps we could alter our gaze away from the framed degrees for a sec and go get some clinical data on the success of a twelve step transformation? Why don’t we follow the hundreds and thousands of men and women who have given their lives to the steps and record what you see – utterly changed people glowing with spirit and confidence, entirely free from ‘triggers’ and obsessions, and enviously sane, calm, centered, content and at peace. I should mention as well that recovered men and women make no apologies for their reliance on God and their absolute belief in God’s power.

     I suppose it should come as no surprise to see doctors and scientists blinded by their own fundamentalist belief system. When we believe ourselves to be intellectually superior, heroic, even God-like, bad things are sure to happen. And when you consider the lack of financial incentive in offering a spiritual program of action, the intellectual dishonesty doesn’t seem mind-boggling at all. Having alcoholics and addicts recover for life using a simple program of spiritual/moral action would render an entire industry impotent. Recovery is the last thing these people want. There is no money in recovery. There is only money in relapse, pain, struggle, heartache and destruction.

     Finally, and this is a tad embarrassing for the status-hungry, self-seeking PhDs who dutifully dismissed my entire life experience, but we now have quite a bit of scientific evidence that many of the actions contained within the Steps elicit significant brain changes. The act of meditating, for example, as suggested in the 11th Step, is proven to alter one’s bio-chemistry, raise dopamine and serotonin levels, and trigger the release of endorphins. As well, if you measure other brain changes by, for example, EEG activity, you will see pronounced differences before and after deep prayer, before and after a profound amends, before and after reading inventory, or before and after working intensively with another alcoholic or addict.

     Tragically, however, addicts, alcoholics, spouses and parents are manipulated and peddled a heaping pile of lies about addiction and how the exorbitant price tag for the myriad of false remedies such as more drugs, medications, injections, relapse prevention, individual and group therapy, saunas, steak and palm trees is well worth it “because we have scientific evidence and clinical data to back it up.” Okay, sure, yes, these are great solutions… if your goal is to relapse and then die. Mainstream addiction treatment in the drug and disorder obsessed America is a great travesty, a sore that might only be healed by the grace of God.

God, please help dissolve medical and academic hubris, that we might see solutions from remedies and find our way to You…

     “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scales we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.83-84.

     Believe it or not, but this is exactly how I felt after finishing about half of my amends. I came home one night from seeing someone and just felt showered with relief. It was a peace I’d never known.

     During the Step process, specifically following the 5th, 6th and 7th Steps, my conscious contact with God was not gradual at all, but was sudden and intense. I was touched one night up North and since that moment, thoughts and desires to use or drink have been non-existent. I also began to sort of naturally repel any substances, people, jobs or activities that push me away from God or hinder my ability to grow. Yes, it’s possible to go from a total wreck to living these promises.

     And yes, I still make tons of mistakes, act like a complete dick sometimes, or put down a pint of ice cream and wind up in a coma… and no, this activity is not conducive to spiritual growth, but I think you know what I mean. Since that moment up North, I have never seriously, or rather, never consciously messed with my connection to God. Harming that relationship is the only thing that frightens me. I refuse to do it.

     I wouldn’t trade my relationship with God for anything, because who gives a shit what you have, what you’re doing or who you’re with if you feel like hell inside? Nothing matters without peace. Nothing matters if we are shut off from our Creator. Such a predicament is living torture, but when we put God first, anything is possible.

God, keep me close to you today… 

     “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”  – Aristotle
   
     Don’t tell my family this, but the #1 reason I got better wasn’t them. It probably should have been, but nope. Sorry.

     I was sick of being a coward. Sick of being a wimp. Sick of ravaging and murdering my soul. Additionally, I was sick of being selfish. I was sick of being fake. I was sick of being a loser. I was sick of being a victim. I always knew that I was lying to myself and others about being a victim.

     Addicts are self-created. If I repeatedly drink and use drugs like an indulgent pig, that’s what I become. Conversely, if I repeatedly pray, meditate, love, create and serve, I become a good, useful person. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it is that we make ourselves into who and what we become. Nobody else is responsible for that. Nothing else is to blame. If I am a success, it’s because I made myself a success. If I am a failure, it’s because I made myself a failure.

     Only through rigorous action, courage and guts will we change. Only by walking directly into our fear and discomfort will we change. We must repeatedly do the opposite of what has brought us down and fueled our addiction. Instead of avoiding discomfort, embrace it. Instead of avoiding pain, face it. Instead if what’s easier, do what’s tougher. Instead of giving only to ourselves, give to others. Instead of avoiding work, decisions and personal responsibility, work hard, make decisions and take responsibility. Make reality, being human, feeling life and humility your new high.

     Life was never meant for us to feel good 24/7, especially when that comes at the expense of others. Life is both up and down, light and dark, joyful and painful. If we want to recover, we can no longer deny what life is and cower from the way things are. Instead we must stand in harmony with reality. If not, our lives, drugs or not, will forever be a constant stuggle, as the angst of trying to fight against truth will never leave us. And always remember, if you want to become something, just repeatedly do it. Trust me, it will happen.

God, please remind me everyday that I am what I make myself…