Great comment last night from a recovered atheist. For the record, you’d have to be considerably touched to think a Buddhist or other atheistic individual cannot recover, grow spiritually or become enlightened due to what is simply a difference in semantics. For further elaboration, do yourself a favor and read Thich Nhat Hanh’s, Living Buddha, Living Christ. I’ve also tried to address this topic in several previous posts such as Don’t Care What You Feel or Believe, Adopt a Belief? & God Isn’t a Concept. I also tried to address this anecdotally in my book.

    Ultimately, all that matters in recovery is living right and doing right, not what we believe. Let’s face it, what’s the point of believing in God if you run around abusing the shit out of people? I think I’d rather have a friend who is a kind atheist as opposed to an asshole believer… and I’m sure there are plenty of asshole believers. I’m probably one of them.

     That said, I believe that Buddhism and Christianity are quite similar in moral essence and proverb. And with recovery, it’s not so much about belief system but rather action system. What are we actually doing? How are we living? Are we treating others with kindness, tolerance and respect?

     The one difference, for me anyway, is that for an addict to cultivate humility, I think it’s important to get underneath something. It feels more humble not to take credit for my recovery and the ensuing blessings. When I start taking credit, that is the very thing that gets me in trouble.

     Plus, I can’t deny that God is responsible for my recovery because of what happened to me, because of the way the obsession was lifted. I felt His presence, His mind-bending power. It came from outside of my being and hit me like a ton of bricks. It flowed through me for a brief time, and fundamentally changed my mind forever. From that moment on, obsession gone. Thoughts to drink alcohol and use drugs suddenly had zero power over me.

     Finally, I’m not quite sure how many of us are really atheists. I know this will sound cocky and perhaps even dangerous, but God is not a belief in my opinion. God simply Is. God is more of a Knowledge I have as opposed to a concept, though I can understand the difficulty in accepting this if our experience with God only rests with others’ man-made conceptions and not with any direct experience of our own. Indeed, man-made conceptions of God and definitions of the word “God” have most certainly led us astray.

     “We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we has to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us.” Alcoholics Anonymous, p.55

     Addict Newsflash: It’s okay to suffer a bit. It’s not gonna kill you.

     I don’t think triggers exist. I do, however, realize that suffering exists. When we feel RID (Restlessness, Irritability or Discontent) and we go drink or use, we think something has triggered us. Nothing triggers us. We use because either we are afraid to suffer in any way, shape or form, or just because we love using. It’s that simple. If you use too much, you become an addict. Anyone can become an addict.

     At any rate, most addicts fail to get better and stay sober because they fail to understand this simple concept, otherwise known as Life on Earth. We suffer in life. Sure we also experience joy and a myriad of other things as well, but it’s not all roses and it’s not meant to be. Life in a human body is not designed for us to feel comfortable and happy and jammed 24/7.

     I had to not only understand this but embrace it. In fact, my recovery revolves around this concept. I had to begin to welcome the darker aspects of life and walk directly into them with total willingness. That is the only way we become truly solid and strong and recovered. We have to be willing to suffer, just like every other human being on the planet.

     It’s okay to suffer and not go whine about it to someone who is dealing with their own crap. It’s okay to suffer and not broadcast it on the nightly news. It’s okay to suffer and not immediately freak out and make war with it. It’s okay to suffer and not run the other way like a child. It’s okay to just sit quietly with our suffering and let it be. We understand that it is not only part of us but part of life. We own it.

     Embracing the darkness of life and the darkness within is what builds us a foundation of strength. Suffering without reacting builds character and we become living examples for others that we might help. What right do we have to sponsor others if we cower or relapse when the going gets too rough?

     Finally, being sober and pure is what the spiritual life is all about. When you read some of this new-age, self-help nonsense about states of rapture and practicing this or that because is sends you into lala land, that has nothing to do with living spiritually. The spiritual life is all about facing reality, feeling what we are feeling, being human and experiencing all facets of life soberly. The spiritual life is purity – pure experience and pure reality, without trying to change, alter or control things when we start to feel bad or when things don’t go our way.

God, keep me close to You today…

     I’m re-posting this (originally Change is Internal) as I recently went through a bout of narcissism. That is, I began to perceive myself to be an extension of everyone else and as such I falsely believed my feelings to be dependent on what occurred externally (outside of me). In plain English, I started to blame others for how I felt, which is delusional. By the way, it is also narcissistic when I start thinking others should think or feel the same way I do about something… so feel free to disagree.

     But the point is, once again, that knowing all about my flaws is completely useless if I don’t cleanse myself properly via inventory etc. so that the work I do actually works.

   
     Yup, that’s right. That’s the trick.

     When you feel like shit, don’t do anything about it. Just sit quietly with your feeling of shittiness. Let it be. If you don’t freak out about it, fight it, or impulsively try to change it, it will move right through you. In fact, as soon as you resist the urge to fight, change or make war with how you feel, you will have already begun to feel differently. Our feelings will constantly change and morph from one thing to another, and we can aid that process by not going to pieces just because we feel bad.

     That is a recovery gem for addicts, and perhaps for people in general.

     Needless to say, it’s also okay to address our feelings positively. If I’m feeling stressed and I go to the gym to run and lift weights for an hour, that is a productive use of time and may help to shift my feeling of stress. The point is not to approach our awful feelings negatively, as that will simply compound the shitty way we feel.

God, please help me to stop resisting so that my feelings may freely move through me…

The secret to becoming recovered is so simple it hurts: repeated action. 

     If we do certain things everyday, month after month and year after year, then we will completely change fundamentally (physically, mentally, spiritually). It’s really simple. You just can’t stop. You can’t give up. We become what we do, thus if we ‘do recovered’, so to speak, if we live it consistently, we will become recovered.

     Great, but what exactly do I do everyday? 

     For me, I took and continue to take Steps to get better. And even though so few have a clue about the Steps, they actually contain a plethora of very specific actions. If you interpret the Steps properly from AA’s original text, you will discover endless things to do on a daily basis:

     Praying, meditating, writing inventory, working with others, helping people, helping our families, being a better husband, father, son and brother, walking in the woods (form of mediation), exercising (living amends to self), giving back to our communities, being a better employee, being a more positive and respectful person out in the world when interacting with others, reading and educating ourselves, cultivating healthy friendships, being creative, honoring who we are, following our hearts, etc. etc. etc. 

     All of these and more are actions suggested by the Steps.

     So please don’t tell me that the Steps are just some outmoded poster on the wall of your meeting that you can’t stand looking at because they failed you. Please don’t tell me that the Steps are not for everybody, that they don’t work for some people, that some people need to suck on Methadone wafers for the rest of their lives. Please don’t go there because if you remove the label of AA or the label of the 12 Steps, we’re really just talking about right action. Take a shitload of repeated right action and you will recover. Period. Amass a repertoire of tools that heal you and then go and use them over and over again until you die. That is the secret to getting better.

     I used to struggle to do all sorts of things like writing inventory, exercising, working, facing people, dealing with worldly shit, public speaking, praying, etc… and now I just do it. It’s easy now. I don’t struggle to take care of myself. And the best part is that I became recovered in the act. I have a vast reservoir of peace and sanity from taking repeated actions all these years.

     And sorry, but pills and therapy and meetings alone won’t build you this kind of reservoir – vast, expansive, deep and pure. We have to earn it. We have to do the work. We have to take right action every day, year after year. Go ahead, try it before you tell me it fails. Try it for ten years and then call me up and tell me how you’re doing. Or take suboxone and go to meetings and call me when you need a ride to detox. Your choice.

     Finally, it is crucial to ride out the first initial period of suffering you experience after you get sober and begin taking steps and recovering. Without fail you will come crashing off the pink cloud, and for the rest of our foundation to be laid, we must suffer in sobriety and endure it. It is crucial that when we begin to suffer, we pack it in and stoically continue doing the work and continue taking steps. Trust me, that is a test we must pass to see if we truly want to live the spiritual life. Once we get through our first real funk in sobriety, that’s when we even out and experience what real strength is. After that (and after finishing ALL of our amends, of course) it won’t be too long before we become RECOVERED.

God, please teach me and show me what I have to do to recover…

     Proud because of where I was and who I was and where I am now and who I am now.

     Grateful because my darkness prompted me to reach out for something powerful, and what I found changed my life so dramatically that I can find nothing but gratitude. I am humbled by what happened to me up North, and what I have gained is worth the price of being a drug addict and an alcoholic. No, I’m not kidding.  

     Many of us and our loved ones fear the stigma we will forever carry around with us. According to such a fear, I have the “stigma” of having been a drug-addicted lunatic. It may or may nor bring you solace to know that none of my history do I consider a stigma, and of course, all that truly matters is how I feel about it, not the world. Plus I’ve found that by accepting and loving who and what I am, the world tends to as well (Law of attraction, if you will).

     Sure when the moment came and I finally had to step into the light and become an ‘open book’ to recover, I feared the same. But what happened was just the opposite. Being an open book brought me freedom – freedom from having to lie, freedom from the weight of those lies, and a freedom that comes from acceptance of my past. Furthermore, the process I undertook to recover had such a profound effect on me that I couldn’t help but have respect and even gratitude for my humiliating past, as it gave me the fuel I needed to create the life I have now.

     If the person we become is someone we love and respect more than the person we were, someone who stands with their feet on the ground and looks the world in the eye, we won’t shun our past but accept it confidently, and perhaps even be proud and grateful for it, as ridiculous as that may sound.

God, thank you for touching me that night, giving me power and removing my fear…

     “Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 34

     Translation: If you are a really bad alcoholic or drug addict, you may have no chance unless you give your entire life to God.

     I know what you may be saying,

     Hey, sounds great and all but what does that even mean? How does one do that? How does that look?

     Glad you asked, because giving our lives to God is actually quite specific and practical.

     By the way, I often fail miserably at the following so please don’t take this the wrong way. I’ve said before and I’ll continue to say that when I write these blogs, I’m simply talking to myself. I’m the demented shithead that I refer to when describing addicts. Writing these blogs reminds me of what got me better and what will continue to keep me better… and so they might resonate with other addicts or be somewhat useful for parents, spouses or friends of addicts who’d like some illumination on why we act like deranged idiots.

     So giving my life to God means that I drop what I’m doing and go live a life of purpose and meaning, i.e. a life of service. If my job is purely selfish and spiritless, like banking or real estate broker etc., it means I drop it like a bad habit and choose service instead. Service includes jobs that help and serve others. Go work with other addicts at some treatment center or go work with burn victims at the hospital, etc. You will know if it lifts you up and keeps you close to God. You will feel it in your gut if it’s good for you or not, if it serves you spiritually or not.

     Giving my life to God means that from now on, I never ignore my conscience. If I feel in my gut that something is wrong, I avoid it. Conversely, if I feel that something is right, I do it. I never engage in immoral conduct, violence, or abusiveness. I never intentionally hurt others, and if I do for some reason, I go make it right. Every time.  I stop being dishonest, self-seeking, manipulative, controlling, self-centered.

     Giving my life to God means that if my conscience has taken a beating and has shriveled up to the size of a pea, then I take actions that expand and restore it. I pray, I meditate, I work with others, I speak honestly at groups, I support and educate parents of addicts, I help my family, friends and relatives, I become a better man, a better husband, father, son and brother. You get the picture. Taking spiritual or right action will gradually repair your conscience, and then once it has grown healthy again, make sure you listen to it. Don’t ignore it or bad things will happen.

     Giving my life to God means that I get quiet enough to be able to separate my will from God’s will. If we pray and listen deeply and feel that we should make a change, whether professional or personal, instead of being selfish and doing what I want, I make the ultimate sacrifice and do what I know in my heart is better for me.

    Giving my life to God means that I put Him and my relationship with Him above all things, all people, all places, all jobs and all possessions. I must be willing to let go of anything or pursue anything if that is what it takes to stay close to God. I must be willing to go to any length to maintain this new relationship. I must put my spiritual growth above anything and everything, including my family and my job. Sure not everybody may have to do this, but if you are a hopeless, reckless alcoholic, you may just have to in order to stay sober.

     So the point is that even the most chronic, beat-up, miserable and suicidal drug addicts and alcoholics can get better, it’s just that they may have to blow everything up and give their entire lives to getting closer to God, and then staying close once they get there.

God, please help me to be still and know, that I may separate my will from Your will…

     “Continuous effort, not strength or intelligence, is the key to unlocking our potential.” – Winston Churchill

     There is nothing more useless than an academic. Well, perhaps a few things, but not many.
   
     Even though I am a drug addict, I always blew through school. I packed my brain with book after book and remembered practically everything I heard, read or saw. I wrote essays an hour before class and memorized text books front to back so I could walk out of exams thirty minutes before everybody else… and yes, even when I was high, though I’ll admit I didn’t do quite as well during my falling down drunk phase.

     The point is that being obsessed and preoccupied with academics and whizzing through school got me absolutely nowhere – less than nowhere, in fact. Relying on my intellect to improve my life and become successful landed me in detox at the age of 28 – emaciated, broken and hopeless.

     NO, I’m not saying that knowledge is useless. I’m saying that focusing solely on intellectual pursuits is an empty proposition, for me anyway. Nothing changed in my life (whether recovering from addiction or having financial success) until I began to simply do certain productive and beneficial things day after day – like working hard, praying, meditating, exercising, writing inventory, helping my family, working with other alcoholics, speaking to groups, etc.

     My success in recovering from alcoholism and drug addiction, my success in creating a family and a business and whatever else I’ve done that is worthy has practically nothing to do with all the shit I’ve learned (except what I have taught myself and learned on my own), which is especially disturbing given the powers that be seem bent on telling the youth how worthless they are without a college degree and oh by the way, here’s 200k of debt from JP morgan in order to get one… but neither party cares of course, as the loan is backed by the government and never to be forgiven in bankruptcy court should you find yourself unable to get a job in our State/Fed-ruined economy.

     It seems to me that perseverance, entrepreneurship and perhaps some financial IQ are worth considerably more than an overpriced liberal arts degree, especially for the next generation. But at any rate, it was through consistent right action that God blessed my life, restored me to sanity, got me from A to B, cultivated this connection or that connection, landed me here, landed me there, and now suddenly I can look down on my life and say,

     Holy shit, I’ve gotten somewhere…

     90% of all search phrases that appear on my stats page are some variation of the same theme:

Alcohol selfishness
Alcoholics are selfish
Alcoholics are so selfish
Alcoholism and selfishness
Why are alcoholics so selfish?
Do alcoholics realize how selfish they are?
Why do alcoholics become so selfish?
Alcoholics don’t care
Alcoholic victim mentality
Are alcoholics selfish? 
Why are drunks so selfish?
Does drinking make you selfish?
Recovering alcoholic self-centered
Why don’t alcoholics give a shit if they hurt people?
Why don’t alcoholics care when they hurt people?
Do alcoholics care when they hurt us?
Do alcoholics use people?
Addiction and selfishness
Selfish addict
Are drug addicts really selfish?
Are people with addictions selfish?
Do drug addicts use people?
Why do addicts act like victims?
Why are drug addicts so fucking selfish?
What makes addicts selfish?
Why does addiction make him selfish?
Are addictions selfish? (uh, yup.)
Addicts are so selfish
Why do addicts become selfish?
Do drugs make you selfish?
Addiction is selfish

Crackheads are selfish
Does crack make you selfish? (hahaha)
Is meth seflish (huh??? )
Selfish in recovery
Selfish even in recovery
AA is selfish
Untreated, unrecovered, piece of shit selfish alcoholic
Addicts are selfish fucks
Addicts & projection
Drugs make you selfish
Why do drug addicts hurt the ones they love?
Are all alcoholics selfish?
So hurt by alcoholism
Alcoholics are cowards
and the list goes on…

     So, um, I think alcoholics and drug addicts have a problem with selfishness, don’t you?

     I recently wrote a guest post for a guy I respect who asked me to share some thoughts on the subject of big business recovery. Needless to say, there was some pushback, and some flaky assumptions made about my understanding and attitude towards addiction and recovery. So here are some addiction facts as I understand them… and I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about. Here is the link: Addiction Journal – Recovery, Inc.     

     Look, it’s not rocket science. I understand that without a comprehensive solution, without the total removal of the mental obsession, an addict will relapse. I have never said, because it’s not true, that active addicts who are suffering from this insanity can control it. Active addicts are without power, both physically and mentally. Physically, we will die without power over drugs and alcohol, but mentally, we do not have to.

     I also understand that for an addict to get better, he or she will need some reassurance that the solution they employ will provide some relief… that is to say, we’re only going to live a sober fucking life if we feel okay inside. Which is why I’m here to reassure you all that there is such a solution effective enough to both keep us sober AND feel good enough to want to live a sober life.

     But it is without question our responsibility to get better, given the extensive damage we’ve done to others. Failure to do so or failure to stay well once we have found something that truly works is wrong and is most certainly a moral failure. You just cannot get around that fact. It is wrong to continue hurting others and this “disease” is totally different than those beyond our control.

     We are not born addicts. Fact. We turn ourselves into them by using. Even if we have a genetic predisposition or proclivity to use, we don’t turn on that switch unless we drink or use over and over again. Come on, folks, booze doesn’t crawl its way down our throats, nor does heroin shoot itself into our veins. Let’s not be ridiculous. We use indulgently because either we are afraid to feel human and suffer like everybody else or because we just love it.

     And our suffering isn’t novel. We are no different from anybody else. That feeling everybody flashes like a badge of honor in AA meetings about never fitting in, never feeling a part of the world, never feeling connected, well um, we all have that. It’s called being human. We all suffer, it’s just that normal people walk through it while we addicts cower and use. We feel like we have the right to use because nobody feels the way we do or understands what it’s like to be us, which is just a pile of bullshit that we feed to ourselves and to everybody else to continue using the way we want.

     We don’t become addicts involuntarily. Fact. We make ourselves addicts by using repeatedly because we WANT to use repeatedly. THEN at some point we cross over that invisible line and can no longer control it. That’s when it becomes a reflex and a “disease”, if you will, but nobody is born a full blown, insane addict. That is just wrong and it is a justification that we use and that our parents and spouses use to explain and rationalize our using and our chronic (and very selfish) relapses.

     Using is selfish, folks, let’s face it.

     And just because we cannot control it, doesn’t make it not wrong.

Please also see: Fundamental Error, Origins of Addiction, The Truth About Addiction, Addicts Are Self-Created, & Relapse is NOT Part of Recovery