Ingrate Resentment Inventory


“God, help me to see those things that block me from You and Others.”

1st Column (who?)

Ingrates.

2nd Column (what?)

a. They’re ungrateful. And entitled.

3rd Column (Affects my…?)

Affects my: P/A (Pride/Ambition)  SE (Self-esteem) P/SR (Personal or Sexual Relations)

4th Column (How was I…?)

Self-Seeking: I want to be seen as a shining example of tolerance and humility [which I’m not].

Selfish: I want others to think the way I think and be the way I am.

Dishonest: I am without question an ingrate, especially when I was an active addict, and resenting this in others not only reflects it in myself but helps me to avoid taking responsibility for my own lack of gratitude.

Fear: I’m afraid to love others, to love myself.

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen.” – 7th Step Prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous, p.76

More on Working With Others

From Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.93-94:

     “Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.

     
     When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don’t raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.
     
     Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why is convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.
     
     Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own.”

God, please give me the strength and willingness to continue growing along spiritual lines, that I may be useful to You and others…

More Laws & Government is Totally Wrong

     Just read another blogger who is sort of a Keynesian, big government type who writes that lawmakers are failing to enact laws to keep children safe from opiates. Um, laws can’t keep children safe from opiates. In fact, government monopoly protections and manchurian government puppets of the corporate elite are the very reasons why opiates are being produced, marketed and prescribed like Skittles. More laws and more government is the absolute LAST thing we need.

     There is nothing anybody or any government can do to keep people from using drugs and drinking alcohol. It is also human nature to want to do something that some power-hungry idiot tells you not to do. The best way to un-tempt people is to decriminalize drugs and drug use. If you believe that more government and more laws are going to keep kids off drugs and keep kids from overdosing, I’m not sure I can help you. You’re asking a collection of ego-maniacal psychopaths to help drug addicts, a group of people who don’t care about anything other than satisfying corporate lobbyists in return for campaign money, which translates into votes. And remember, the candidates who promise the most free stuff to the masses get elected, so you are being played for a fool by voting that way.

     For every law that is enacted criminalizing drugs or funding watered-down treatment/education programs, there is a clause protecting the interests of the pharmaceutical elite, thus ensuring more pills and more profit. Who do you think writes these laws anyway, such as the affordable care act, which was written by insurance lobbyists? It is naive to think that government can or even wants to just do the right thing. Government doesn’t exist to do the right thing. Government doesn’t exist for the people or for your children. Government exists for government and government only.

     Isn’t it painfully obvious by now that the bigger government grows, the more everything and everyone suffers. The economy suffers, the job market suffers, free enterprise suffers, small business suffers, wealth creation suffers, individual thought suffers, individual freedom and privacy suffers, creativity suffers, self-sustainability suffers, self-dependence suffers, your savings suffer, your retirement suffers, your safety and security suffer, your standard of living suffers, and the future of your children suffer as government engages in the all-out insanity of false war narratives, false flag attacks, occupations, interventions, war crimes, money printing, parabolic debt accumulation, spying, surveillance, militarization of local police forces, and the buying tanks and bullets for the DHS, which is a civilian, inter-border agency.

     No offense, but you have to be sort of touched, like sort of brainwashed, to actually be asking for more government and more laws. Do yourself and your kids a favor and stop drinking the Kool Aid.

     At any rate, it is the excessive amount of laws that help to keep kids on drugs. Let me explain. To begin with, released documents have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that the CIA buys most of the hard drugs that enter America. The government and the CIA are directly respinsible for keeping drugs on the street. Furthermore, when more laws are written to criminalize drugs and drug use, kids actively seek out drugs, get hurt, get killed, overdose and go to prison. When prohibition ended and alcohol was re-leglalized, crime and underage use fell off a cliff.

     You will say, “Well people will just sell the drugs on the black market anyway.”

     Is alcohol sold underground to kids? Nope. And neither would drugs because there is no incentive. Once you give something to everybody, you take away the lure and they no longer want it. Take something away, and they want it compulsively and obsessively. Like guns. What happens when the stupid government passes a new gun law? Everybody runs out and buys guns and ammo like there’s no tomorrow, which isn’t a bad idea, by the way, considering the current DHS is buying up thousands of automatic weapons, billions of hollow-point rounds, and thousands of armored tanks to use against its own people, which is rather despotic, totalitarian, unconstitutional and insane, don’t you think?

     Did you know that seniors are selling pills to get by? This is what government is doing – destroying the value of pensions and stealing them outright, thereby crushing middle class seniors and anybody else who is responsibly trying to stay out of debt and save money. Government keyensian policies are pure lunacy, and yet they give imbeciles like Paul Krugman a soap box in the NYT and a Nobel Prize in economics, which sort of makes sense considering the job of academic economists is to be completely wrong, considering there is no such thing as science when is comes to economics, markets, cycles, history, the future, and 7 billion people.

     All government cares about is expanding and enriching themselves and maintaining power. They really don’t care if you go broke, lose your house, lose your family and die. You are nothing but a tax slave, to be farmed and sheered until you can no longer produce. Banker bailouts, ZIRP and QE ensure that anybody saving money will be squashed and penalized to the max. The government and the fed HATE savers. They want everybody to spend everything they have and then rack up as much debt as humanly possible. Why? Because it spurs inflation which transfers wealth to the oligarchs and keeps government sociopaths in power, while padding the fed and the bankers. That’s all they care about – power.

     “Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in its wider sense.” Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, p. 32.

     “When taxes are too high, people go hungry. When government is too intrusive, people lose their spirit. Act for the people’s benefit. Trust them; leave them alone. 75
     If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn to follow them.66
     When they think they know the answers, people are difficult to guide. When they know that they don’t know, people can find their way. 65
     If a nation is centered in the Tao [God], if it nourishes its own people and doesn’t meddle in the affairs of others, it will be a light to all nations in the world. 61
     Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. Center your country in the Tao [God] and evil will have no power… Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself. 60
     If a country is governed with tolerance, the people are comfortable and honest. If a country is governed with repression [and corruption & fraud] [like America], the people are depressed and crafty. 58
     The more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be. The more weapons you have, the less secure people will be. The more subsidies you have, the less self-reliant people will be. Therefore the Master says: I let go of the law, and people become honest. I let go of economics, and people become prosperous. I let go of religion, and people become serene. I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good becomes as common as grass.” 57 – Tao Te Ching.

     “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” – Proverbs 29:18

     “Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked.”  – Proverbs, 25:26

     “Woe to those who make evil statutes and to those who constantly record unjust decisions.” Isaiah 10:1.

     “If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.” – Mark 3:24

     “The way to crush the bourgeoisie [middle class] is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.” – Vladimir Lenin

     “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” – George Bernard Shaw

Some key financial/political stuff:

Another Crisis of Confidence in the Dollar is Coming
Who Rules America?
Why Obama is Bombing the Caliph
Protests Turn to Free For All…
Pentagon’s 1033 Program is Preparing for War Against Civil Population
Ultimate Goal of the NSA is Total Population Control

God, please be with us and keep us close to You…

Don’t Listen To Me

     You really shouldn’t listen to me or anybody else. The best way to get better is to find the answers yourself and figure it out on your own. This is simply my experience as a hopeless alcoholic and drug addict, my seemingly endless journey of failures, and the spiritual solution of the Twelve Steps, which changed my life and the lives of my family members more than words can describe.

     That being said, considering thousands of us have employed this exact program of action and are now completely recovered with amazing lives, I think it matters what we think. Don’t you?

     Sure this is tough stuff and it challenges you and your most cherished beliefs, but the proof is in the pudding. You should see before and after pictures of my life – one without God and His principles and a rigorous program of action, and one with. I’ll take the ‘with’ along with the hard work any day.

God, I pray for everybody else to have what I want for myself – peace, serenity, happiness, joy, love, health, success and prosperity…

Wait, Our Genes Should Excuse What?

So our “genetic predisposition” should just excuse…

     Ripping your heart out?

     Being proud that our clever lies and deceptions have worked on you so well?

     Making up stories without so much as a thought of what they might do to others?

     Becoming verbally abusive and fabricating arguments out of thin air because we need an excuse to leave in a huff because we’re going into withdrawal and need to go pick up?

     Satisfying ourselves in any way we want and at all costs, even if we leave a trail of victims and broken hearts behind?

     Never being accountable or taking responsibility for anything, ever?

     Never helping, giving, serving, pitching in, being useful, contributing, creating or producing anything?

     Sabotaging every opportunity others have given their time and effort to create for us?

     Burning bridges willingly and with no guilt whatsoever?

     Leeching off of taxpayers for handouts like food stamps and methadone when we are perfectly capable of working even a menial fucking job out of principle because taxpayers shouldn’t have to support our selfishness problem?

     Stealing money, racking up debt and not paying a cent back to our creditors?

     Thinking that we are special and unique and different and no one suffers like we do and therefore we have the birthright to drink and get high as much as we want?

     Acting like nobody understands, like we are victims, and like the world and everybody in it somehow owes us something?

     Not having any purpose other than pleasuring ourselves and remaining comfortable?

     Mutilating and abusing ourselves?

      Denying that we are anything but complete cowards, refusing to doing anything that might be incompatible with our ever-widening comfort zone, such as growing up?

     Or any other selfish and asinine thing we ever do…

     … just because we may or may not have a genetic predisposition to drink alcohol?

     Please.

     Oh, and anyone out there pumping the ‘blame our genes’ thing, have you actually seen the science, looked into a petri dish and observed the alcoholic allele with your own two eyes? And even if you have observed the DNA of a generational alcoholic, which you haven’t, would you even have the slightest clue what you’re looking at?

     Yup, that’s what I thought. 

Unfortunate Leniencies of Therapy

     “Um, Mom, Dad… it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my fault that I stole your jewelry and totaled the car while trying to sniff an OC 80 on Interstate 95. It wasn’t me, Mom, Dad, ’cause you see, my therapist said it was your fault. I was kinda neglected and shit, guys… you know? You know what I’m sayin, dog?”

     “Uhh, Mom, uhh Dad… I learned in therapy today that I use because I’ve been a victim of Dad not coming to soccer games and Mom getting an extra job to support the family, so it makes perfect sense for me to use drugs… like… a lot. So, I know you’re mad that I got kicked out of school but it’s really not my fault. Actually, it’s your fault. But I forgive you.”

    “Uh, duh… Mom, uh Dad… my therapist said I drink because I’m depressed and angry, and it’s most likely from repressed, subconscious fear of abuse I have buried from early childhood or even maybe some psychic scars from a past life yo, soooo… it’s kinda your guys’ fault that I got arrested for assault and battery after dropping 10 hits of acid and sniffing a couple 8-balls at the Fugazi show.”

     “Hey Pops, um, listen… I totaled another one of your cars but it wasn’t actually me that totaled the car, it was my bipolar and ADHD. Even though I was high and drunk as shit, the true culprit was my (fictional) ADD, which made me not be able to pay attention to the road, er, um, I mean not be able to pay attention to the tree 10 feet off the road that I hit while unconscious because I couldn’t concentrate because of the ADD that you guys gave me in my genes and it made me tired and so I passed out, and yeah and stuff… so I need like a quick thou ($1000) to get the ($500 worth of) work done on your car. Sorry pops, won’t happen again… unless my genetic ADD crops up again.” Phone rings. “Yo, Pablo man, he bought it! I’ll be down in like 10 to pick up, papi! Actually wait, make that 30 ’cause I got no car ’cause my stupid fucking Dad totaled it. Hahahaha, I know, what a dumbass! Dude sucks my ass!”

     So therapy let me off the hook. It allowed me to think of myself as a victim, despite the fact that there is no such thing. But I was validated by some quackpot and I could go around thinking I was a victim of my genes, my parents, the world around me. I made myself different and unique from everybody, and made everybody else my enemy. Therapy had the audacity to root all of my pain and suffering on someone or something other than me, like ‘wanh, my Dad.’ Please. If one of these know-it-all’s had just told me to GET OVER IT, that would have been the best and only advice I ever needed. Getting better and growing as a person has nothing to do with blaming others and being a victim. It has everything to do with total responsibility and total honesty.

     It seems to me that psychology and psychiatry are but a tools to cripple the population. Make everybody believe they have a myriad of problems and medicate them to the hilt. Isn’t that the goal? The explosion in mental illness and psychiatry in America has astutely coincided with the explosion in pharmaceuticals, but also with the climax of American power and an out-of-control government. The industry has been co-opted by Big brother and their Big pharma puppetmasters, who keep your spineless, career politicians elected in office in order to carry out the orders of said lobbyists. I realize it sounds rather devious, but do yourself a favor and just think about it before you blow 250 bucks on one of these Ivy League clowns.
    And let’s say you do finally ‘work out’ all your issues after 10 years and 200k. At that point, you will have no doubt accumulated all sorts of new problems that will also need to be worked out! Lol. Wow. The combination of the money these guys make and the prestige we afford them is so ridiculous that I really don’t know what else to say.

Do You Really Want to Recover?

     Sadly, the millions who fail, despite what they might tell you, don’t really want to get better. They don’t really want to change. They are scared shitless to be honest. They are scared to recover and be happy. Happiness is a foreign language to addicts, whereas chaos and misery are our best friends. Failure sets the bar at zero, and then we never have to worry about disappointing people. We never have to worry about becoming too successful and dealing with the risk and discomfort of loss. Truly, we are cowards.

     Any addict who really wants to change, will. Any addict who really wants God and puts Him before anything will be touched.

     I’m sure other alcoholics and addicts, like I did, will tell you all about wanting to change but that it’s ‘just so hard, and oh you have no idea, and boy if you were me you’d be relapsing left and right as well.’ Don’t believe him or her because it isn’t possible for a human being to be more full of shit. We have no intention of stepping outside of our comfort zones for one second, as our comfort and pleasure come first before all else, even at the expense of hurting you or anybody else. Even at the expense of wasting our lives, sucking resources from others who actually give a shit, contributing to the world, or being a responsible human being with a meaning and a purpose.
    The truth is that I didn’t get better for or because of anyone or anything in my life. There are two reasons, and two reasons only. 1) I became disgusted with how much of a coward I was. 2) I didn’t want to be soul sick for the rest of my life and live in that state of torture… not to mention the risk I was taking regarding my afterlife.

    At any rate, the people who recover are people who have decided they want God more than drugs and alcohol and will lay down their lives and everything they have to get it. We need to realize that God doesn’t just zap some lazy, repulsive addict who sits on his or her ass doing nothing, or who even works at it a bit but deep down inside they really don’t want to stop, nor do they truly want to be recovered. For some, happiness is just too far a bridge to cross. For others, the very idea of success is enough to unravel them. Ridiculous, I know, but true. Chaos and misery are familiar territory and keep the bar low enough such that no one expects us to be okay, ensuring that others lay off when we fail.
     I write this blog for several reasons, but one of them is to help people understand what being recovered means. Even most addicts have no idea what it means because it’s a condition they have no experience with. I wish with all my heart that every addict in the world meets a recovered person who is a changed man or woman and becomes so inspired that they come to put God first before everything. Only then will he or she have a psychic change and know what it is like to be completely free inside. You must know what it is like to have total power over drugs and alcohol, over the thoughts in your head, over your emotions, over your life, over your soul. Recovered means that your drug and alcohol problem has vanished. There is no struggle. You don’t care about drugs anymore.

     Yes, this is possible. You just have to give your whole self to this process. Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. 

     So my brain is 100% immune to relapse. Why? Because God comes first in my life. If our spiritual growth does not come first, then it doesn’t matter who we are, no addict will ever make it. This is the one and only requirement to getting and staying recovered. It’s really that simple.

Let’s Destroy Some Myths

1) Triggers exist.

     Triggers don’t exist. Breathing is a trigger. The only trigger that exists is the fact that I’m alive. Triggers, as taught by the mainstream addiction and treatment community, are a myth concocted by people who don’t understand what addiction is and have created this idea of triggers out of thin air. Nothing that happens causes us to use. We use because we are addicts and we want to use all the time. It is a reflex to drink or use once you become an addict or an alcoholic. Triggers are just flimsy excuses we use to justify or try to rationalize relapse, of which there is no rationalization or justification.
2) Avoiding people, places and things ‘that make us want to use’ is an effective strategy or (gulp) even a solution.
     This myth assumes that triggers exist, which they do not. Addicts and alcoholics have no idea what they are avoiding because anything and everything has the potential to make them want to use. I feel happy and want to use. I look at a tree and want to use. Get it? There are no triggers, other than being alive. We want to use from the second we open our eyes in the morning to the second we pass out at night. 
     Avoiding people, places and things doesn’t curb our desire or obsession to drink or use. If you put me on the North Pole, I still want to get jammed and plastered all day long… and guess what? I’ll figure out a way. Academics, PhDs and drug counselors are so clueless it actually hurts me to have to write this stuff. Why isn’t anybody in mainstream treatment teaching you the truth?  
3) Reasons exist.
     If you ask any alcoholic or drug addict why he drinks or uses, he will try to think about it for a moment and then tell you he has no idea. Yeah, that’s because there is no reason. We drink and use because we want to drink and use. Trust me, we love drugs. We’re obsessed with them. Do you know I used to study marijuana buds under a light and microscope in awe of them. Weed was my first love. And then OxyContin came along and I literally thought I’d died and gone to heaven… until I bought a bag of heroin, that is. 
     Sure there is an emptiness inside and a spiritual malady of sorts, but there is no specific reason, and oh, by the way, everybody is empty and suffers spiritually to some extent but they don’t get jammed out of their fucking skulls all day long. The same two people can be thoroughly abused while one becomes a junkie and the other becomes a great success. The same two people can be thoroughly loved while one becomes a great success and the other becomes a junkie. The ‘reason’ myth is an idea peddled by therapists, psychologists, counselors and mainstream treatment centers in an effort to stay in business.
     Giving an addict reasons why they use is also one the dumbest thing I can think of. Now every time we relapse or do some stupid thing, we can blame it on one of our myriad of fake reasons (like mommy or daddy) thus avoiding total responsibility and accountability. Addicts will talk you silly. Psychotherapy and addiction don’t mix. The fabrication of reasons is totally counter-productive. It’s also arrogant to think that these sham social sciences are anything more than just a bunch of opinions, i.e. byproducts of ego. 
   4) Over time you’ll be able to drink or use moderately again. You’re not physically doomed for life like those negative, hopeless AA cultists try to profess.
     These are lies told to you by programs like Rational Recovery and Smart Recovery and the self-seeking quacks who write books like Beyond Addiction and so forth. Telling an alcoholic/addict that they can drink/use again moderately is completely insane. If you have the body of an alcoholic or a drug addict, you can never safely ingest drugs or alcohol. After decades of sobriety, the body of an addict reacts the same way it used to. And yes it is progressive, physically speaking. Sure we can recover but that doesn’t mean we can drink or use again. Life-long abstinence is the only option for alcoholics and addicts. Loss of physical control is a permanent situation. Any honest alcoholic or drug addict will confirm this for you.
5) Alcoholics and addicts never recover. They will forever be struggling and in recovery. They will forever want to use. You always have to keep an eye on them and be forever vigilant, especially if they miss their meetings.
     Complete bullshit. And by the way, I’d rather stab myself in the head with a sharp object repeatedly than go to a meeting ;-)
     I was a chronic drug addict and black-out alcoholic from age 13 to 28 and I haven’t had a single thought to use, drink or self-destruct since I was restored to sanity more than 9 years ago. I am completely okay without drugs and alcohol. Sure I used to love them with all my heart but I replaced my addiction with something as powerful as the addiction itself, and in fact, much more powerful indeed. I never suffer unbearably and there is nothing I cannot handle. I have no fear of life or people or failure or acceptance or whatever. I am not tortured by what I haven’t accomplished in life. I am happy to simply live without distraction or achievement, and I would love for all of the pill-pushing psychiatrist charlatans out there to explain that. Please explain my current unmedicated condition after telling me that I would forever need to be medicated.
6) Pot is not a drug and it’s not addictive. If you’re an addict and you just keep it to pot, you’re okay.
     I knew a psychiatrist who told this once to an addict friend of mine who was a patient of his. Wow. Moron.
     Marijuana is a drug. Fact. It is highly addictive. Fact. Let’s elaborate, briefly. First of all, addiction crosses all lines. Any mood-altering substance that acts on the dopaminergic reward system of the brain will trigger the same physiological response in the body of an addict. Regarding the action of THC, Wikipedia states, “Via CB1 activation, THC indirectly increases dopamine release and produces psychotropic effects. Cannabidial also acts as an allosteric modulator of the mu and delta opioid receptors.” Let me translate that for you. Marijuana acts on the same type of receptors that opiates, stimulants and alcohol do. Anyone who thinks they are sober and not addicted if all they do is smoke pot out of a chalice all day is 100% delusional. Just wanted to clear that up.
7) You’re sober and in recovery if you’re on Methadone or Suboxone.

     Hahaha.
     I hate to break it to you, but these drugs are in the same class as heroin and OxyContin. They’re all morphine-based synthetic opiates. An addict on Methadone or Suboxone is the farthest thing from sober I can think of, short of someone with a needle sticking out of their aortic valve. But hey, if substituting one opiate for another can be equated with recovery, than the world we now live in is so ridiculous, backwards and gutless that I should probably stop wasting my time writing about addiction. I really don’t know why so many poor parents fall for this shit considering it is even scientifically wrong.
8) Vivitrol injections work.
     Addicts suffer from the mental obsession and getting a vivitrol injection quite obviously does not lift the mental obsession, as it is a well-established and cemented form of insanity. Addicts are insane. Achieving physical sobriety does not remove this insanity. The mind of an addict is still very much broken and no amount of time will fix him or her until they have undergone an entire psychic change. A sober addict still has no willpower and has lost the power of choice, and thus if and when the thought to drink or use creeps into their head, they have no defense against it. Sober addicts are still subject to relapse at any point in time. But when we are restored to sanity, our power of choice is restored. Substitution drugs and vivitrol cannot make us sane and restore the power of choice, so watch out. Any addict on one of these drugs will relapse at some point, and that is not a matter of opinion. Trust me, it is only a matter of time. Relapse is inevitable.
9) Most addicts have co-occuring disorders and should be dual-diagnosed and treated for depression, bipolar and ADD, as well as addiction. Addiction never occurs in a vacuum.
     Just like social diseases such as ADD, the notion of dual-diagnosis is a hoax. If you are an addict, then you also have anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 1a, 2b, 4t, and 17z, blah, blah, blah. It’s called being not well. You’re either okay or you’re not okay. You don’t need a specific disorder and treatment for every single blemish known to man, unless you’re a status quo puppet who believes everything they hear on TV or that government tells you. If you are an addict or an alcoholic and you treat the addiction, you treat everything else. Let me explain. Underneath addiction, alcoholism, or any of these other maladies, is a spiritual illness. And if our problem is spiritual in nature, than so must be our solution. It’s as simple as that. Why complicate everything?
10) AA and God is just another addiction. God is just a concept that recovering addicts use as a crutch.
     I am recovered and I fully understand that it takes hard work and courage to get better. I also understand that God is Power and is responsible for the profound change that I endured. I had a sudden, fundamental change in my mind, heart and soul. Obsession gone. Urges gone. Fear gone, Depression gone. Serotonin levels restored. Recovered in an instant. That’s not science or the product of any faculties I possess within, my friends.
    But then Charlie, you must be some sort of freak now, no?

    So, have I grown a beard, cut off my balls, and joined the brethren in seclusion? Nope. Not at all. Not a hero. Not very pious or reverent. Don’t go to church, although I probably should now that I have a family, was born a Christian, and believe in Christ. I should probably get re-baptized as well, given that I was a screaming infant the first go around, not to mention that fact that I became a selfish, Godless addict and hurt others for half of my life.

     And finally, God is not a concept. God is/was before any of us. Don’t get caught up in words, which are so unnecessarily loaded. It’s way beyond human conception, so let’s not get too bent about it.

God, help us to be still and know…

Life

     I realize that the whole point of my book is that people can change and there is a solution for addiction, which is true. Oh, about the solution, please don’t tell me that you’ve done AA or the Twelve Steps and they didn’t work. That’s like someone saying they put the key in the car but the car didn’t go. Yeah, that’s because you didn’t drive it. At any rate, life has successfully dissolved an idea that was pumped into me as a child in school, the notion that everybody is born good. Since then, I have opened my eyes and I now understand that both good and evil do indeed exist… and it is quite the epic battle, to be sure. It is just a myth that everybody is born good or has a good nature. Sure some of us are kind, loving angels, but others are evil, narcissistic psychopaths.

     I’ve also learned that there isn’t too much anyone can do about it. We can only influence those of us who are wired to listen and who on some level already know what they are looking for. When we read or listen to someone, we tend to hear what we want to hear or what we agree with while the rest goes by the wayside. So there seems to be little point in arguing with others, especially with those who seem to be sort of programmed or brainwashed. And there is freedom is being able to let go and accept the world as it is. Yet there is also freedom in standing up for what’s right and sane and trying to stop the lunatic/s currently in power from destroying the country and the rest of the world.

     Sure I try to help others and change things but the truth is that doing so helps me and keeps me sane, so I suppose it is all categorically selfish when push comes to shove. Perhaps pure altruism doesn’t exist. Does that mean we stop helping others? No, of course not. Why? For one, we have to deal with the law of cause and effect. The more I give and the better I am, the better my life becomes, and the more success I create for myself. So even if we are all just selfish beings, let’s be the best kind of selfishness as opposed to the worst kind.

     It’s amazing that the same person can be capable of such love and generosity as well as such hatred and rot and filth. I sometimes cry about human sentiment and affection and then other times find myself in utter disgust for the human race. In fact, I loathe others at times, although that may just be the fact that I live in Massachusetts. I observe both the brainwashed collectivist academics as well as the white trash filth down at Stop & Shop abusing their children and can’t help but feel as though we should be wiped out purely as an exercise in garbage removal. But then I look at my son and he jumps on me and giggles and says ‘I love you’, and my soul is filled and fed with such light and love and purity. I see him trying to form a sentence or clapping to a song or cuddling a stuffed animal and my heart melts into pieces.

     Why the simultaneous loathing and loving?

     Well, you see, both the disgust and the love I feel is the disgust and love I have towards myself. All of this, and I mean EVERYTHING, is but a reflection of how I feel about myself. All the judgments and feelings we have are merely symbolic of how we see and how we feel about ourselves. So I both loathe myself and love myself. I have both truly good parts and truly bad parts, and I suppose that’s just what the way it is. Perhaps this condition of light and dark etc. is actually what makes the world go around, as for each thing there exists its opposite.

     And if all this is true, then why fight it? Why fight anything? Why try to change anything when the more we try to fight and change, the more everything really just stays the same. We’ll never be able to stop these natural cycles, ebbs and flows. We’ll never be able to control the way things are. We’ll never be able to eliminate evil, for without evil there is no good, or rather, without evil there is nothing to oppose it.

     Maybe the point of our lives is just to be, to live, to do what we are. Then again, maybe not. Maybe we are called on to effect some sort of change, either within or without. I am a musician, an actor and I write songs and poems and stories and yet I’ve done none of these things in years. But I also do a bunch of other things. And these days all I do is manage our business, raise our son, prepare for our little girl coming in November, pay our bills and do chore after chore until I collapse into bed each night. But this is good for me. I’m sure when God wants me to do something else, He’ll let me know.

     Radio show maybe?