Monthly Archives: March 2018

Fifth Step…

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STEP 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
    

      The 5th Step instructs us to read our entire written inventory to another person before God. Don’t sit on your inventory for weeks or months as you will just accumulate more resentments along the way and it can easily spiral into the never-ending inventory! Schedule a time to read with either your sponsor, another trusted guide in the Steps, or some mentor or confidant such as a family pastor.

We must be thorough and fearless. Remember that we read our inventory to initiate the process of letting go. We have been honest with ourselves, but now it is time to be honest with another person, which is humbling and requires courage. Here we are given the opportunity to shine a light on our past as we expose, uncover and hold our character defects under a magnifying glass. We dig it up once more, let it out, and confess our skeletons in the closet. Exhuming what we have buried and what shames us the most can be humbling and humiliating, but it is also crucial for the consummation of this process. There will be no “entire psychic change” unless we do this, and do it completely. If we confess 99% of what we’ve done but leave that one BIGGIE out, we may fail, and all of this work will be for naught.

      The reason why everything must come out is that the gas tank cannot be filled up until the previous tank is completely empty. Every last drop. Once we are cleaned out, the light can finally turn green, enabling something new and powerful and wonderful to pour in and saturate our entire being. We are filled with the light and the power of God. By showing the courage to expose our darkest selves, we have earned the capacity to be replenished with spiritual strength, courage and quietude.

      Once again, please remember that if we don’t go the distance, there won’t be much in the way of relief. Relief comes from a clear conscience. It comes from doing something we never dreamed we could do. It comes from fortitude and perseverance. As we push the boundaries of our respective comfort zones and find the guts to walk through our painful and agonizing feelings, this is where we find the gold. This is what creates the condition for love to come in as our fear begins to vaporize. We can now move forward and continue to evolve spiritually.

      Sure things will still bother us and old grudges that have vanished may come back to haunt us. This is normal. Some of our old habits, attitudes and character flaws are not meant to disappear overnight, and we can chalk this up to God giving us more opportunities to work on them, which may be necessary to wholeheartedly put them to rest. It also continues to teach us that much of what bothers us is stuff that bothers us about ourselves. Remember that it is much easier to find others annoying than it is to face who we are and what we are made of. To perpetually escape accountability and responsibility is no way to plow through life, and if we continue on this way, we end up blind and miserable. The effect may be subtle at first, but eventually it will take its toll.

      With inventory, we make what is unclear clear. We see things as they truly are… but don’t beat yourself up too badly. It is easy to become foggy and confused. We often contort what is happening before us without even trying to or being conscious of it. It is human nature to alter reality to self-protect and preserve our fragile pride and dignity. We alter reality to defend our honor and our very existence. However, if we are to crack open our narrow little world and experience the “fourth dimension of existence” as the Big Book promises, we must blow up the dearly beloved yet stubborn and intolerant frame of mind we have depended on for so long.

      We can equate this process to growing up and maturing out of the developmental narcissism of childhood and adolescence that robs us of being able to step outside of our shoes and understand that other people feel and experience things in their own unique way, different from our way. This process of inventory challenges us to climb out of our caves of narrow, insular thinking and emotionally immaturity.

      When we are ready, we quietly go to read. Whether it is our sponsor, pastor or trusted friend, the important thing is to read to a person whom we trust and who is honest, someone who understands this “life-and-death errand” we are on, as the Big Book succinctly describes. Some of us may not have a large enough chunk of time to finish our entire inventory. Let’s face it, we have jobs, families, relationships and a myriad of other duties. In that case, we can simply read a portion of our inventory and then schedule another time to finish.

      This may be your greatest chance to induce a spiritual experience and free yourself from the chains that bind you, so please, read it all. Everything. Leave no dark secret or rock unturned, as the fate of your very soul may be at stake. Even if it is excruciating, embarrassing or perhaps even criminal, confess it all or else… All that has been buried must see the light of day.

*When we have read our inventory to a trusted guide, and when we have also confessed any other hidden ‘skeletons in the closet’ that must be exorcised, we have taken a 5th Step.

-Anybody Can Take Steps, pp. 89-92

Ibogaine Comment & Response (Edited)

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Comment:

     Whoever wrote this is a fucking lunatic and knows nothing of plant medicine and furthermore is an AA/NA cultist

Response:

     Thanks for making my point for me… I guess. But this is not very difficult to grasp. I have nothing against Ibogaine. I’ve read that it can quite effectively detox opiate addicts… but that is exactly my point.

     There is detox…

     …and then there is a lifetime of recovery.
     To note (briefly) regarding Ibogaine as effective in detoxing heroin junkies, according to Wikipedia, the action of the psychoactive drug within the plant “is metabolized in the human body by cytochrome P450 2D6 into noribogaine (12-hydroxyibogamine). Noribogaine is most potent as a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It acts as a moderate κ-opioid receptor agonist[27] and weak µ-opioid receptor agonist[28] or weak partial agonist.[29” I can understand how a kappa-opioid receptor agonist may help detox an addict, but I don’t understand how inhibiting serotonin re-uptake (which means more serotonin) as well as activating the mu-opioid receptor would do any such thing except provide physical comfort to the addict, which by the way, I don’t believe is good for addicts. I don’t believe addicts should detox comfortably for several obvious reasons. 

     At any rate, I can’t believe I have to say this and state what seems so clear, but let’s proceed given that the Ibogaine pumpers, while also being generally enraged and unstable, believe the plant to be a comprehensive, lifelong solution, that by tripping their balls off once, albeit therapeutically, we are somehow free from the addict mind and heart. Don’t worry about doing any actual work on yourself day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year or decade after decade because the plant itself can somehow assume the day to day grind of human life – it can write your inventory, make your amends, give back to your family, friends and other loved ones all that you have taken. It can also meditate, exercise, eat right, work hard, contribute, serve and work with others (which, quite frankly, every addict must do, as service runs contrary to addiction, and thus service is the nature of the solution that undoes the selfishness within.)

     Once you are detoxed and you fall right off your pink cloud one day, all of the hard work of recovery, life, family and career you and you alone must gather the strength and willingness to take on. You and you alone must get up and act. The plant can’t do that for you, and by all accounts, detox is but a short clinical procedure. The ass must then rise up off of the couch, buddy. Sorry if that offends you or violates your “safe space.” The fever pitch nowadays about everybody’s feelings and how everything must be scrubbed and sanitized is insufferable. Is the notion of growing up and becoming an adult really so devastating that we have to castigate such language as discriminatory? Ridiculous.

     Apparently, I also know nothing about plant medicine (meaning nothing at all), despite having spent a fair amount of time studying Chinese herbs, tinctures, homeopathy, Ayurvedic medicine, drug action and psychopharmacology. Plant medicine? You mean like weed, bro? Let me guess, pot is medicine, too, right? Try telling that to your poor brain. Or how about heroin, a derivative of the poppy plant, or cocaine, a derivative of the coca plant?

     Here was my honest and thoughtful analysis of the post in question, and then we can decide who is lunatic cultist, k?

     “First of all, and this may be somewhat irrelevant, but regarding other types of drugs as a solution to drug addiction, more drugs don’t fix a drug problem just like more debt doesn’t fix a debt problem, obviously. Mood-altering drugs, regardless of class, are the antithesis of the spiritual life. Why is common sense is so lost on us when it comes to addiction and recovery? To make an insane drug addict sane again requires quite the opposite of dissociating from reality.

      Analysis:

     It really matters nothing what effect Ibogaine or any other drug may have on your neurochemistry because no drug in history has ever been able to magically restore a man to sanity and lift his obsession to use drugs. Neither has science ever been able to restore a man’s body, enabling him to use normally. Furthermore, psychedelics don’t make you a better person. They cannot restore a person morally and spiritually. Only hard work and consistent right action can do that. And I suspect science and drugs will never solve this one. We are supposed to work for our recovery, especially when you consider how much we have taken.

     Even if you receive some temporary clarity and the novelty of that keeps you sober for a while, trust me, it is only a matter of time before your old self smacks you back in the face. It is like building a house on sand. If your foundation hasn’t been laid solid through hard work and sacrifice, your house of cards will blow over when life challenges you and the going gets rough. Sure ibogaine may detox you properly, but then what? Nothing will stop you from wanting to get high once you’re clean… or rather, nothing will stop the mental obsession from randomly smacking you in the face. The fact is that chemical intervention has never made an insane man sane again. Let’s elaborate…”

     Now, you can go and read the rest of the post and decide if I’m being unfair and/or obtuse about the whole thing, but part of what motivated the post was the unhinged behavior of Ibogaine pumpers that you see trolling blogs. If you say anything they don’t like, watch out. But if it is indeed the healing of the nations and the bringer of peace, as asserted, then um, why are you guys so angry and hostile?

     What prompted my original post was observing the dialogue triggered by sincere questions and concerns by grieving parents on an Ibogaine blog. Two of the more frightening comments by the frantic trolls were, “I’m not in this for the money, I’m just saving addicts’ lives” and “Fine, let your kid die if you want.” Gee, how humble. That sort of grandiose vitriol should have you running.

     So are you sure it’s me who is the “f***ing lunatic cultist?” Admittedly, we should all take a moment from time to time to look in the mirror and assess the quality of our recovery, the quality of our character, the quality of our souls. I do, and while I fail often and constantly reassess, at least I know how damaged and messed up I am and try to work on myself. So are you really at peace with your plant? Or are you really just miserable and angry and looking to project?

      I know some people hate this blog and think I am negative and preachy, but many of them have read but a few lines and haven’t seen the pile of scathing self-indictment and honest self-deprecation contained within these blogs, let alone the many posts about God, love, meditation, inventory, courage, hope and positivity. I am well aware of all of my flaws and sin, but does that mean I shouldn’t write what I know? Remember also that a sponsor is not a friend to go bowling with and jerk you off. You don’t have to like me for me to able to help you, and thank goodness for that, because while I do plan on trying to live right, I don’t plan on becoming a different person to suit others any time soon.

Anybody Can Take Steps…

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Do you know an addict or an alcoholic? Is it your son, daughter or spouse? Is it you? Or perhaps you have lost power over something else such as depression, anger, food, sex or gambling? There are few words that can describe the pain that a loss of power causes – the toll it takes on our minds, hearts and spirits, the endless ripple effects and the victims that lie in its wake. Shouldn’t those we love feel the relief and the freedom that the recovered have procured for themselves? And don’t we all deserve access to these powerful and life-changing tools? Anybody can lose power and therefore anybody can take steps.

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STEP 1
Admitted we were powerless over          ?          – that our lives had become unmanageable.
     Many people today falsely believe the notion of powerlessness to imply permanent defeat, but defeat is by no means where the Twelve Steps intend us to stay. In fact, the very purpose of understanding what we are powerless over is to regain power. This concept is more about awareness, acceptance of our present reality, and experiencing some humility, all of which appropriately characterize a first crucial leap forward in our personal growth and evolution.

     For alcoholics and addicts, a 1st Step allows us to understand intellectually and to feel deep within that we have lost power over drugs and alcohol, both physically and mentally. If there is one thing in this world we simply cannot control, it is mood-altering substances of any kind. We cannot stop once we start, and we cannot stay stopped once we stop. I remember being in treatment on the second or third night still thinking that if I really wanted to, I could stop using alcohol and drugs. I truly believed I could conjure the willpower to recover all on my own because I was so talented and smart and strong. Then someone reminded me that I was in rehab, and generally speaking, you don’t wind up at a locked detox/psych ward and then get hauled off to an inpatient treatment center if you drink or use normally.

     My new friend also mentioned that if I still thought I had power, I had successfully wasted my first few days at this amazing place, days someone else was paying for. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and in that moment I realized that for all of the things I could do, the one thing I couldn’t was to stay sober. Drugs and alcohol owned me.

      Here’s the thing, though. You don’t have to have an alcohol or drug problem to lose power over something. People can become powerless over fear, anger, anxiety or depression… over food, sex, money or some toxic relationship… over beliefs, notions, attitudes, judgments or opinions… over self-image, vanity, intelligence or stupidity… or perhaps over someone else’s addiction. The truth is that we can lose power over just about anything, whether it is some internal part of ourselves, or something external. I’ll leave it to you to fill in the blank.

      It should come as no surprise that at times certain aspects of life could easily have us whipped. We all have negative internal skews that can rear their ugly heads. Sometimes we give our power away to these maladaptive behaviors or energies, whether consciously or unconsciously, and then one day they suddenly control us, we don’t control them. One day they are making decisions for us as opposed to us making decisions for ourselves. When some darker and more destructive part within suddenly rules us, we have lost power.

      But with the loss of power also comes the responsibility to regain it. When we lose control of something, we no longer have the right to ignore it, as it will inevitably effect others and create a harmful ripple effect that we may be slow to understand, or perhaps altogether blind to. Furthermore, we often cannot get power back on our own. Sometimes it is only by something Greater than ourselves that we can regain power, and this is precisely what the rest of the Steps are for.

      Finally, many people see the 1st Step written on a page or a poster and think, ‘Cool, no problem. I can understand that intellectually. Done with that one!’ but it is not sufficient to simply study the 1st Step. We must actually feel and experience this sense of defeat deep in our guts, and the humility that accompanies such an understanding should effectively knock us off of our pedestal and fundamentally change the way we feel. If we have a palpable 1st Step experience, it should cause us to stop and take pause. We may feel quiet inside and not want to talk or interact for a while. It may even bring us to our knees in tears, but don’t worry because that is actually quite healthy and emotionally productive. We are cleansing ourselves by shedding layers of emotional skin, which cracks open a door that may have been shut for a while. It is this sense of humility that propels us to move forward in earnest, and oddly enough, it can serve to lift some of the weight and burden of being powerless. It may even signify that we have now begun this spiritual journey and are finally on our way to regaining strength and willpower, and best of all, serenity.

      Regardless of what happens to us individually, it is a cathartic experience to feel powerless. For the first time in our lives, we realize that we don’t have control over something we once did or thought we still did. The illusion of power and autonomy, driven by ego and intellectual stubbornness, dissolves right before us, and though this is usually perceived as a tremendous loss, it is not. The truth is that this newfound realization will help us to grow in spades. So try not to get caught up in the negative connotations increasingly given to this crucial 1st Step of admitting powerlessness. Try not to get caught up in words such as defeat. There are many ways to define or conceptualize certain terms, and we must look deeper to see the wisdom of this Step…

Narcissism & Passive-Aggression

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     In today’s depraved and indignant culture of moral relativity, narcissism and self-centeredness have become quite pervasive. But when up is down, left is right, light is dark and right is wrong, the narcissist cannot see or understand what he or she is doing. And when the peripheral elements in their lives, which are supposed to provide some perspective and perhaps some truth, wisdom and common sense, are instead validating their narcissistic traits and impulses, they go forth blind to their behavior, to their obstinacy and arrogance, and more importantly, to the effect they have on others.

     Narcissists are experts in the infuriating and perverted practice of passive-aggression. They are generally too inept, paranoid, or just plain stupid to say what they mean. Instead, they resort to obfuscated, indirect, ‘beat around the bush’ type passive attacks, many of which have nothing at all to do with the situation. You are left trying to interpret what the hell they are talking about, and if you don’t pick up on these twisted and mind-boggling cues, if you’re not a mind-reader, they attack you even more. You become the monster while they become the victim.

     Outright, blatant aggression is easy to see and dissect. It is clear the person is deranged and clear that the childish outburst has nothing to do with you. Passive-aggression, on the other hand, is a more clever and disguised way of whittling away at your spirit and individuality by inserting lies into reality. Passive-aggression may also appear to be overt aggression, such as name-calling and smears, but this is actually passive-aggressive because the smear is not rooted in reality and is often an attempt to divert and deflect, especially when one cannot explain/justify their behavior or argue a cause with any truth or decency. It also comes with the intent to normalize the demonization of you and make it acceptable and orthodox. The effect is to successfully minimize what they do while maximizing your reaction or non-reaction. 

     Passive-aggression is a way for the narcissist to get attention. You have to understand that all they care about is getting attention, so it doesn’t matter if it is negative or positive attention. When you are shattered beyond repair and loathe who you are, you must get attention lest you believe you will die. Thus, passive-aggression allows the narcissist to start or pick a fight out of the blue when nothing has happened. It baits the other into engaging, as any normal, reasonable and concerned person will inquire what the problem is. And therein is the narcissist’s opening. You have just opened the door to a twilight zone of lunacy and hurt, so watch out. Next thing you know, you are suddenly and without cause the target of criticism, judgment, smear, accusation, rage, sarcasm, you name it. When and if you react, the narcissist wins as they can and will turn it all around on you, saying,

     “See! Look at you! So abusive and horrible! I am such a victim! You are an evil monster!”

     So right after being victimized yourself, you suddenly become the victimizer, which of course allows the narcissist to not only maintain power and control over you, but also cleverly allows them to excuse themselves from any and all responsibility for the random attack they executed against you for no reason at all. The narcissist engages in direct projection without shame. To weasel their way out of it, they accuse you of the very thing they have done. It’s infuriating, I know, but understand it is just the desperate tactic of a lunatic. 

      Such is just one of many hallmarks of narcissism, often seen in a toxic relationship, though now we increasingly see this behavior in the public realm. But it is not you. If you are an loving, supportive, responsible, sober, hard-wording, sensible adult yet you are attacked night and day, it is not you. It is the narcissist/s you happen to suffer. The narcissist only represents his or herself, for only a hurting soul that has become empty, angry, desperate, spiteful and pathologically self-absorbed behaves in such a way.

      Take some comfort in the fact that their narcissism is driven by something we could call reality derangement syndrome. That is, their mental illness and self-absorption limits them and gets in the way of seeing reality itself. You know this is the case when they are presented with reality and completely lose their minds. Reality is not a part of their indoctrination and thus, the narcissist must alter reality to fit their narrative. You often see them making something out of nothing, turning a molehill into a mountain. A harmless slight, observation, reality-based fact, accurate recollection or representation of events turns into the greatest transgression ever to occur in the history of mankind.

     Wait, can I say mankind anymore? Oh that’s right, whoops. I’m so, so sorry and didn’t realize that any word with “man” in it is now evil and I must die. I’m so, so sorry as I wasn’t aware that a small group of tyrants now have the authority to vilify the entire English language and tell me what words I can and cannot use, even words such as simple pronouns rooted in something I thought they loved so much – science. The problem is there is no talking any sense into these people. They are triggered and can no longer think straight, let alone think at all. They go into pure emotional rage. It’s almost schizophrenic.   

     Just watch what happens when you bring up your own point or opinion, regardless of how reasoned or accurate it may be. Watch what happens when you express your own measured concerns with civility and from a place of peace. Watch what happens when you disagree with anything the narcissist thinks or believes. They immediately become indignant, apoplexy ensues and you become the target. They are vicious and attack you with unfettered belligerence, incoherence and stupidity. None of it is grounded in reason, sense, sanity or reality, let alone logic or historical fact. They have an amazing ability to rewrite history – to distort, change, skew, or to erase it altogether. Self-righteous arrogance and entitlement drips off of them. The stench is unbearable. They wear their feelings on their sleeve like an undisciplined, immature child. No adult acts this way. They enter a room and ruin everything. Everyone can feel it. It is palpable. They must get attention.

     I write this aspect narcissism as I personally cannot stand immature, passive, dishonest bullshit. Having put up with it for so long, I have little patience anymore for this nonsense. I truly appreciate a person who is direct, straight-forward, measured and discrete – those who say what they mean and mean what they say. Beating around the bush is not something I care to entertain anymore.