Category Archives: Change

Why Take Steps?

Posted on by under Change, Responsibility, Results, Steps

      Anybody can take Steps, and it’s probably not a bad idea. The actions involved in the Step process work to extract the toxic baggage within – the build-up of fear, anxiety, resentment, anger, depression, discontent, dissatisfaction, vanity, arrogance, self-centeredness and selfishness. By extracting negative perceptions, beliefs and behavioral patterns, by smashing attitudes, ambitions, motivations and delusions that have been driving us our entire lives, we become empty and free to allow something better to come in. Once cleaned out, we can become filled instead with humility, sanity, peace, positivity, responsibility, tolerance, other-centeredness and freedom. We can replace the darkness with light, with Spirit.

     Of course, addicts, like most people, will only try something if they know exactly what it is, how it works, and if it will work. We want results, we want them quick, and we want it to be easy. And when we fail, we LOVE to blame anything and everything other than ourselves. But when we fail in the Steps, it is not the Steps that failed us, nor is it the fault of anything or anybody else outside of ourselves. Your success in the Steps is entirely up to you. It is between you and God.

     By the way, if your sponsor has any clue at all, he will never tell you to do something that he hasn’t done himself. That is not our job as Step sponsors. Our job is simply to tell you what we have done, what worked for us. Our job is to take you through the process laid out in the Big Book. That’s all. And we are not responsible for your results. Again, that is entirely up to you.

     So what you get out of this process is directly proportional to what you put into it. If you give everything you have, if you are thorough and fearless, and most importantly, if you really want to change, then you will. The universe will conspire to bring you opportunities to change. You will strangely bump into people you owe amends to from years ago. Chances to help others will drop out of the sky, especially if you pray for them. It is mystical.

     If you let go of self, of needing to do everything and control everything on your own, freedom is yours. Take the leap. Have blind faith. Challenge yourself, give back and do the right thing. We owe it to the people in our lives. We owe it to the world. So go ahead… change.

God, please bring me the opportunity to help someone today…

Want To Stop But Can’t

Posted on by under Change, Desire, God, Humility, Letting go, Universe

     As I stood, emaciated and dope-sick, staring into the broken bathroom mirror of the shithole real estate office I worked for, I finally wanted to change but had reached the point of no return. When you want to stop but can’t, that’s when you know you’re screwed. No hope, no will, no energy, no power… and worst of all, no solution. I’d already tried every imaginable remedy to get better and fix myself but failed miserably every time. I tried therapy, pills, relationships, traveling, jobs, herbs, homeopathy, self-help books, AA & NA meetings, and on and on.

     I drank and used for fifteen years until I was sick, spiritless, incoherent, numb and careless. My depression was so great that it wouldn’t let me go. It was like I had fallen in wet cement and woke up one day to find myself immovable. Officially unsalvagable.
     It was only because I was financially broke that I finally dragged myself to detox. Once physically sober, I decided to go up North, but that was mainly because my wife, mother, and some bitter social worker lady wouldn’t stop bitching at me. So to shut everyone up, I went. Perhaps I knew deep inside that if I walked out of detox, I was a dead man. Or maybe it was a simple case of divine intervention.
     It wasn’t long before my entire attitude changed. After meeting a recovered addict for the first time, I not only wanted to change, but for the first time in my life, I became willing to do anything it took to accomplish that. No thought, feeling, relationship, circumstance or life event was going to stop me, regardless of how dark or horrifying.
     So my advice to addicts is: At some point it will really help your cause if you WANT to change. I believe with all my heart that if we truly want to change and are willing to go to any lengths, the universe will conspire to bring us opportunities to make that happen. God is there for us… we just need to get over ourselves and then humbly and wholeheartedly ask Him for help.
     I was reading Proof of Heaven the other night and it amazed me that the same thought came into my head as I faced death. In 1996, after being hit by a drunk driver plowing the wrong way down the highway, I regained consciousness some two days later in the ICU unit at Mass General. I couldn’t move or see. I knew something was terribly wrong. After realizing my predicament, the first thought that went through my head was, God help me. I suppose the Big Book is right when it says that God or God-consciousness is simply fundamental to our make-up as human beings.

God, please teach me to let go of Self…

God Brass

Posted on by under Change, God Brass, Growth, Seed of God

     If alcoholics and addicts have the capacity to be honest with themselves, they have the seed of God within. And because a seed that is nourished can grow forever, there is no limit to our spiritual growth. There is no limit to how much we can change and heal and thrive and give back. We must simply find the willingness to turn our inner seed into a fountain of strength.

     For willingness, we pray. Two of my favorites are ‘God, make me a better man today‘ & ‘God, bring the opportunity to help someone.’ I have no idea if the first one ever comes true. But the second one always does. There are always people to help.
     
     I’d like to think that the seed of God is in all of us. Someone once likened this seed to a ball of brass. Perhaps it is dull, worn, small, and has lost its glow. Yet when we polish it and shed the layers of resentment, fear, selfishness and dishonesty, gradually it becomes brighter and brighter. It begins to glow once again. It begins to grow. Our conscience expands, and we become acutely aware of what is right and what is wrong. So my job is to make sure I continue to polish my God brass on a regular basis so that it never becomes dull or loses its shine. 

God, help me to grow spiritually, that my God brass may shine within…

Comfort Zone

Posted on by under Change, Comfort Zone, Getting Better, Sobriety, Spiritual Principles

     Why do I get annoyed when someone else is sick, or upset, or having a bad day, or even (gulp) suffering spiritually? Well, first of all, it’s because I’m a selfish piece of shit. But when looking deeper, I find that it’s because it takes me out of my comfort zone. If I’m watching the Red Sox lose another game and my wife is upset about something, it interferes with my comfort. It robs me of my peace and quiet. It distracts me from the safe, numb state I’m in. It bothers me because if she isn’t comfortable than I can’t be comfortable, and I, being an addict, feel as though I have the right to always be comfortable. I think I deserve to never be ripped out of my comfort zone.

     So either I’m an infantile moron, or I’m extremely immature, or I have some kind of personality disorder, or I’m just a loser… or bingo, I’m just a drug addict! Yup, that’s it. I’m a drug addict, which usually involve all of the above mentioned character defects. Fortunately, the difference between me as an addict and a truly insane person who has no capacity to be honest with themselves is that I know being this way is wrong and I can change, whereas the insane sociopath has no clue that what they’re doing is hurting others. And sadly, the real crazies usually cannot get better.

     This is why we addicts must realize that getting better is so much more important than achieving physical sobriety. That line in the Big Book was the first line that hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s when I realized that this book understood me perfectly, and that its words are indeed prophetic. The line was, “We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.19) The Big Book goes on to say, “A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.” Am I demonstrating any principles whatsoever by caring more about maintaining my little comfort zone than I do my suffering wife? How selfish is that? How unattractive is that? Uh, exactly.

     The most important thing an alcoholic or drug addict can do is actually not to get sober. It is to CHANGE. It is to become a good person. It is to stop being a rude, insensitive, sensitive, defensive, obstinate, angry, resentful, fearful, intolerant, abusive, proud, egotistical, self-seeking, selfish, dishonest, immature, grandiose, melodramatic, needy and annoying shithead. Now that would be a worthwhile accomplishment! Am I there yet? Not by miles… but I can assure you that it pounds my head day and night. I loathe the way I used to be when I was using. But I don’t loathe the fact that I was an alcoholic or a heroin addict. In fact, my addiction brought me to GOD and has given me the life I have now, a life filled with miracles. So no, I don’t loathe my addiction. I loathe the person I was. I loathe the loud, egotistical, self-centered jerk.

     This is the challenge for us addicts or alcoholics. Our greatest task is to change who we are. Our greatest task is to become a good person, a better person. For sure, our greatest task is to live, breathe and walk the spiritual principles of love, honesty, tolerance, patience, understanding, willingness, strength, courage, selflessness, service, grace, humility, forgiveness, responsibility and accountability. Because, regarding this path instead of the former… why not?

God, please help me to live by Your principles…