Category Archives: God

Relapse Is Unthinkable

Posted on by under God, Helping Others, Priority, Relapse

   “Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.” -Alcoholics Anonymous, xxix

     “‘Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.'” – Alcoholics Anonymous, p.27

     I’ve been trying to pound the pavement lately and get my book onto the bookshelves. Sure this is an act of self-will, yet my gut is telling me to go and do it.

     Why did I write the book? Initially, I wanted people to know that you don’t have to get sober and fight through each day. I wanted people to have the spiritual experience I had, to feel that relief and freedom. I also selfishly wanted to initiate a writing career. After being railroaded out of the taxpayer-funded recovery school (i.e. another public trough leech) by a power-hungry director with NPD, I was determined to work for myself. I wanted to be a writer and ideally to help others in the act. Finally, I want the book to sell. For profit? Not necessarily, as I was well aware of how impoverishing a writing career can be. The margins are horrible and I’ve only lost money to this point. But if the book caught fire and did make money, my vision was to start a treatment center roughly modeled after the 12 Step retreat up North that fixed me.

     That has yet to happen, but I have learned something over the last 8 years. Having worked as a chef, counselor, educator, actor, writer, landlord, trader and investor, one thing remains true: Working with others and speaking to others fills me up spiritually like nothing else. And this is why relapse is unthinkable. Because, above all else, my #1 priority in life is my relationship with God, my spiritual health, and the health and recovery of others. So long as that is the case, relapse is unthinkable.

     Since the night I read inventory up North back in 2005, my mind has remained fundamentally changed. From that moment on, not a single thought/desire to drink or use has penetrated my better half. Not only have substances lost all of the power they once had over me, but I naturally repel them. And my old life and my old way of thinking seems more like a past life, or even someone else’s life, rather than my own. Relapse is unthinkable because I can’t even remember what it’s like to think the way I used to.

     The moment that helping others no longer fills me up, I am done. The moment I stop putting my spiritual health and my relationship with God above everything, I am done. Relapse is unthinkable until the moment I stop caring.

Building God vs God Building

Posted on by under AA, Church, God, Humility

     Not that it really matters, but the truth is that I feel the presence of God less in a building and more when I’m looking at the ocean, or walking in the woods, or watching a sunset. I feel It when I’m playing music or writing. And I especially feel It when I’m helping another addict or speaking to a room full of addicts. I feel It when I’m praying or meditating. I feel It when I’m taking action.

     But we don’t need to worry too much about the whole God thing. AA wants us to build our own conception of God, regardless of how simple it may be, although… if your sponsor tells you to use the coffee pot for a Higher Power, you might have some problems.

     The point is to get underneath. The point is realizing that we are not the most powerful force in our lives. The point is understanding that there is something far greater than us, something limitless in its power and capable of anything. If we are chained by addiction, it is important to stop believing in ourselves only. Chances are that hopeless alcoholics and junkies cannot recover without this inner change in attitude. Changing our understanding of what power is and where it comes from is humbling, and anything that humbles us is good for us.

God, please bring us closer to You and give us the strength and power to take spiritual action everyday… not just on Sunday.

Buzz Kill

Posted on by under God, Steps = Buzz Kill

     Once we get involved in the Steps, we are forever changed. Even if we relapse, our buzz is never the same. Taking steps is the number one buzz killer if you ever relapse after embarking on the Steps earnestly. At that point, we are screwed. We can’t get high anymore but we also aren’t better. We end up suffering tremendously, like an idiot stuck in purgatory.

     So we have two choices…

     Keep drinking or using even though it’s no fun anymore, and hopefully we will finally die. Or two, start all over with the Step process, but the second time it’s much harder and we don’t have the euphoria we felt when we entered this mystical realm for the first time. The second time requires that we do the Steps while perhaps suffering all the way through them. Of course, this is all the better for anyone who relapses, because doing this work while suffering makes our foundation stronger and thicker.

     To note, this wasn’t the case with me. God touches us is different ways. For some, it is sudden. For some, it is gradual. For some, it comes after we fall a few more times. And for still some, it doesn’t come at all. Don’t ask me why… that’s just the way it is.

God, remind us that we need to put You first above all else if we are to remain free inside…

Taking Credit

Posted on by under Arrogance, God, Humility, Taking Credit

     Who really gets us better?

     I pretty much figured that if I was going to recover, it was ME that was going to do it. Arrogance. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the idea that something else could fix me, especially something intangible and other-worldly. Enslaved by my ego, I became saturated with pride and self-love. I could only conceive of my own power. I’m the only one who can fix or change myself. I accomplish everything because I’m Charlie f’ing Peabody! 

     Addicts love to take credit for every good thing that happens to them, for every accomplishment no matter how minute. They simply can’t handle the possibility or even the idea that something else may be responsible for what they have achieved or what they have been blessed with. If they land a great job, it’s all them. If they make a bunch of money, it’s all them. If they meet a loving, loyal spouse, it’s all them. If they are showered with good friends and abundance, then yup, it’s all because of them. They create everything… unless it’s something negative. Then it’s suddenly someone else’s fault. This is the sad result of our narrow mind and pathological self-centeredness. We’ve become too small and too dumb to see greater powers at work. We need others to see what we can accomplish, how brilliant and talented we are.

     The sheer comedy of all this is that doing things my way, my genius way, landed me in a locked detox/psychiatric ward with my ass hanging out of a hospital johnny. So after failing repeatedly to control, shape and mold my life, desperately trying to exert my will, it was such a great RELIEF to just let go and rely on something other than my fucked up head to guide me through life. When I stopped trying to get myself better, that’s the moment I began to really change.

     So I don’t take credit for what changed me, for what removed the obsession to drink and use drugs. I don’t take credit for the things I’ve accomplished since I got sober. I don’t take credit for all of the miracles and blessings in my life. I don’t look around to see my wonderful life now and think, Wow, look what I did! I’m so the man! I’m so amazing and talented and strong! I can conquer anything! 

     You know who is strong? GOD.

     To note, I don’t really help the sponsees who happen to come my way. If someone gets better because of the work they’ve done as a result of my sponsorship, then all I did was arrange the meeting and it was God and God alone who fixed this person. I had nothing to do with it. So if you’re an addict and you are tempted to tap yourself on the back for something you just did, try not to. Chances are you didn’t have too much to do with it.

God, everything good that I do and that I have is from You and is You…