Category Archives: Inventory

More Inventory

Posted on by under Inventory

     Sometimes it can be difficult to see how we caused resentments that we have towards a more general trait or behavior rather than a specific event. Here are a couple examples I remembered from my original 4th Step. I added some additional answers to show that it’s not just one thing, though our task is to find the most honest answer for each category.

1. People who litter

a) They litter.

Affects my: Pride/Ambition, Self-esteem

*Self-Seeking: I am (want to be seen as) a model citizen OR I am a pillar of tolerance.
*Selfish: I want them to be like me, to think and act the way I do.
*Dishonest: They remind me of my own entitlement OR I take it personally, but because I don’t want to see the trash, not because I care so deeply about the environment.
*Fear: I’m afraid of confrontation (so I don’t do anything about it).

2. Wife

a) Gets anxious sometimes.

Affects my: Pride/Ambition, Self-esteem, Personal/Sex Relations

*Self-Seeking: I’m a hero of a husband… so why on earth are you anxious or upset?
*Selfish: Her mood takes me out of my comfort zone.
*Dishonest: Her anxiety reminds me that I’m not okay (otherwise I wouldn’t react to it by resenting her, which helps me avoid the truth about myself).
*Fear: I’m afraid to love her OR I’m afraid to swallow my pride, my pathetic construction of self.

The above resentment is, sadly, a perfect reflection of an addict’s childish and warped mind. To resent someone for suffering because it takes me out of my comfort zone, and then to get mad at them for doing so, is grotesque, to put it mildly, and beyond reproach. This is why addicts who don’t write an honest, fearless and thorough inventory don’t make it. 99% = 0.

God, help me to see those things that block me from You and Others… 

Audi Boy

Posted on by under Conceit, Inventory, Vanity

     So Audi boy is the slicked out, ultra-conceited, ultra-entitled shithead speeding onto the highway the other morning in his S6 with tinted windows and custom rims… and we shouldn’t neglect the spiked hair. Even though we were driving through the homogenous, quasi-suburb of Beverly, Massachusetts, for a second I thought I was outside Scoozi on Newbury Street. Audi boy sped onto the highway so fast that he lost the wheel for a second and almost barreled right into us before pulling back and speeding off without a care in the world. It’s a good thing he was wearing five hundred dollar women’s sunglasses, as otherwise he may not have seen us in time. But that’s neither here nor there because this guy was way too cool to be bothered by a passing family. I mean, who are we to drive on his road? Who are we to get in Audi boy’s way? Whatever Audi boy’s doing is obviously way more important than anything else in the entire world. I mean after all, maybe he was on his way to a Jersey Shore audition.

     Here is the ensuing resentment inventory I wrote:

1st Column (the object of my resentment):

Audi boy (name was actually much worse but for the sake of decency, Audi boy will do just fine.)

2nd Column (the specific resentment):

Pulls onto highway at mach 10 with his chick sunglasses on, almost killing my wife and 9-month old. (Slight exaggeration, of course)

3rd Column (what parts of me the resentment affects):

Pride/Ambition, Security,

4th Column (My own self-seeking, selfishness, dishonesty & fear in the resentment):

*Self-Seeking: I repel vanity and exemplify humility. (i.e. I wanted to be seen that way. Usually we’re anything but the way we want to be seen.)
*Selfish: More than even protecting my family, I wanted Audi boy to know and feel how stupid he is. (to feed my pride & ego)
*Dishonest: (The truth is) Audi boy reminded me of myself, the self-worshipping part that I loathe.
*Fear: I fear confrontation. I’m afraid to love others.

God, teach me that Audi boy is in fact a great and wise teacher of mine…

Professor Masshole

Posted on by under Enemies = Teachers, Inventory

     Those we resent are actually our greatest teachers…

     As soon as I think that I’m finally okay, I’m not at all. About a month ago, I wrote a bunch of inventory, read it, meditated for half an hour, felt euphoric, and once again declared myself all better and at peace forever. So, of course, I’m right about everything for about a week or so… then some meathead in a tinted Charger cuts me off while racing down Beacon Street in Boston. When I honked, he slammed on his brakes and pulled over. As he and his girlfriend came into view, I was pretty sure they were on their way to a Jersey Shore audition. He yelled out of his window for me to get out of my car and fight him. Classic. Now, to note, we are in Massachusetts, so this is fairly standard behavior for one of my fellow Massholes. But, here was a great teacher as well. Instantly, I was no longer some peaceful, enlightened, reformed citizen, but had instead devolved into an enraged animal, screaming swears back at my new, spray-tanned friend. We didn’t fight, probably because I’m a coward, I’m afraid to get arrested and what my wife would think, and mostly because I’m afraid of what it would do to me spiritually… but I definitely fantasized about it in my head.

     This is exactly why we write inventory. First of all, it reminds us addicts that we’re still pretty much demented. Second, it reminds us that ALL resentments are born within and have absolutely nothing to do with any other person, place or thing outside of ourselves. The object of our resentment does not cause the resentment. Rather, I and I alone have caused the resentment. I own it. Sure, this meatball may have wronged me, but the resentment was caused by my reaction and response to it. 
     In writing inventory, I take my resentment and find my self-seeking in it, my selfishness in it, my dishonesty in it, and my fear in it. What did I find? Well, for one, I wanted to be seen as a tough guy. Now, to be sure, anytime we need for others to see us a certain way, we are seeking a self, and that is selfish in the sense that we need our self-esteem or ego to be fed by the way we look to others. Not good, trust me. Even if I’m seen that way (like a tough guy or something), it doesn’t really feed me at all. In fact, it takes from me. It makes me a phony. And usually the way we want to be seen is NOT the way we truly are. Being phony leads us to become more dishonest. And when we start lying to ourselves, we are doomed. 
     We get sick first. We relapse long before we actually get high. Watch for that. My sanity and my health are dependent on not letting myself get sicker in the head. And believe me, there are going to be plenty of people in the addict’s life trying to drive them crazy. Many of them are probably insane themselves. Some of them are actually clinical and beyond repair. So try not to bother with them. We can’t move backwards. Only forwards. Neutral isn’t good either. For alcoholics, there is a natural bias to move backwards when in neutral position.
     Back to the meatball inventory. So I wanted to be seen as a tough guy, which I’m not. I wanted meatball to act and drive the way I wanted him to, which is selfish. I wanted to shame him to feed my pride and ego. My dishonesty was in avoiding the truth that I often do the exact same thing, but it’s much easier just to resent the same behavior in others. And my fear… well, I fear jail and I fear moving backwards spiritually. So there you go, I caused this resentment with my own self-seeking, selfishness, dishonesty/projection, and finally with my own fear. I should go find this guy and thank him for giving me a reason to go write inventory. Professor Masshole is a great and wise teacher of mine. Poor thing will never know his contribution to my well-being.

God, show me that those I resent are my great teachers, and to respect them as such…