Purpose

     If addiction is a spiritual problem, then a spiritual problem (amongst other things) is a lack of purpose. Let’s face it, what drug addict or alcoholic do you know whose purpose in life is anything other than using drugs or drinking? And even if we have some sort of purpose besides using, is it truly a purpose? Is the path we’re on truly serving ourselves or, more importantly, serving others?

     I had some grand ideas about my life. I figured that because I was so incredible and talented, I would be a best-selling author, a movie star, a rock star, and an enlightened guru all before the age of 21. No, that’s not a joke. And sure I wrote songs and stories and poems. Sure I auditioned for major roles in theatre and film. Sure I read anything and everything I could get my hands on if it pertained to truth, energy, mysticism, God. But… I was high as a kite before, during and after. The more I tried to grasp these things, the farther away they got. In the end, there was a giant abyss between who I wanted to be and who I actually was in reality.

     Sure there is no problem with going into one of the more ego-driven careers such as acting or music. But it’s only not a problem if you’re NOT a drug addict. Drug addicts don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Because preoccupation with self will lead to our destruction, our purpose in life must serve others and the greater good. We cannot simply prance around waiting to be the next big thing. In fact, worldly attention and glorification is just about the worst thing for us. If we have any chance of getting better, than we must live in humility. We must get off of our pedestal and forget about our vain hopes and dreams.

     I’m not saying that we can’t ever pursue our more self-centered worldly ambitions. I’m saying that we better be sane and humble enough first so it doesn’t go to our heads. We must give back enough and help enough people so as to rid ourselves of self-worship. Self is a losing proposition for addicts and alcoholics. It is only by putting our selfish desires aside and becoming other-centered that we may find our true purpose. And besides, what better purpose is there than helping others?

     The funny thing is, when we serve others and God, our hopes and dreams usually start falling out of the sky while we’re busy doing good.

God, please show me my purpose and give me the strength and willingness to carry it out…

Best of Times

     “Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, p.20

     It was usually during the best of times that I wanted to get high the most. Why? Um, why not? If you can amplify the good times by getting jammed, then hey, load up. The whole myth that bad shit happening is what makes us HAVE to go out and drink or get high is all bullshit, trust me. Nothing bad has to happen to make addicts use. We want to use all the time, and especially when everything is going great.

     Why do we like to drink and use drugs like pigs during even the best of times? Simple, because we are the most selfish creatures on the planet. We will do anything to make ourselves more comfortable than we already are. The addict’s life is about feeling good ALWAYS. We believe it is our divine right to remain in our comfort zone every second until the moment we die… and pathetically, even if that comes at the expense of others. Even if it comes at the expense of others’ time, energy, love, health or money, let alone our own. But we don’t really care because compared to making ourselves cozy and comfortable, nobody else matters. That’s how selfish and ridiculous we are.

     Addicts cannot fathom that life could possibility be about something other than feeling good, feeling saturated by relief and bliss 24/7. We don’t understand that life might be about work, thinking, creating, contributing, self sacrifice, morals, or dare I say… other people? Is is too much to ask us to spend one iota of time and energy thinking about someone other than ourselves? Ah, yes, that’s way too much to ask! And that is precisely why addicts have no chance of getting better and no chance in hell of staying sober, if we do not give of ourselves to others. To recover, we must become other-centered. Hey, don’t yell at me, that’s what it says in the Big Book – a prophetical work, in my opinion.

God, please rid me of selfishness so I may give of myself more…