Pot is a religion, a secular one of course, as opposed to a spiritual one, as there is nothing spiritual about ripping bong hits, eating pot gummy worms or claiming CBD oil makes you a more “spiritual” person or a better parent. When someone says they’re “really spiritual,” um, well, just run the other way. So if you are a parent or a spouse of a pothead, don’t kid yourself. You have an addicted child on your hands, and trust me, he or she will be just as selfish and annoying as any other drug addict.      Pot is, of course, like any other drug or mood-altering substance. The action of pot works on the reward system of the brain just as alcohol, heroin or cocaine. The negative effects of pot use are extensive and far-reaching. In fact, even liberal gulags such as Harvard University screwed their heads on straight momentarily to publish studies as to the deleterious effects of pot use on the brain, such as (Article on Harvard Study). Instead of repeating myself, read the “Pot” post for some of the more acute effects to the brains of potheads.

     None of this is to even speak of the rather dire emotional and spiritual damage we are doing. How comical (well, sad really) it is when a pothead says something as asinine as, “pot makes me spiritual.” Smoking pot is the opposite of spiritual, as the spiritual life is little more than facing reality and living a pure human life, free of drugs, alcohol and distraction. It is a life based upon the principle of personal responsibility. It is a sober life based on honesty, courage, strength, service, faith, right action and other-centeredness. It is a willingness and a maturity not to avoid human pain, feelings, suffering and all of their attendant challenges. By smoking pot, we literally eliminate spirituality. It is therefore impossible to live a spiritual life using pot or any other drug.

     But the above assertion isn’t perhaps as asinine or stomach turning as this one from some popular mommy blog: “Using CBD oil makes me a better mom.” Yup, nope, not kidding. Many such delusional comments and notions are now commonplace among the CBD pumpers. First of all, wtf. You should see the selfie that accompanies the article this particular comment was pulled from on the mommy site – the woman looks completely insane. But yes, hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people actually believe this and are using some form of Cannabis to parent their children. And just like any other drug-addicted, alcoholic, or insane parent out there, this is a form of child abuse. This quote was followed by something like, “I wake up and don’t naturally feel like playing with my child, but after a hit of CBD oil, I can play with her!” Impressive. There is nothing “natural” about a phony, drug-induced desire to play with your child.

     Here’s another gem. “Ya know when you just wake up and feel blah? Like you’re just not feelin’ it? Like, ya know, like, a little tired, maybe a little down or anxious or whatever???” Um, yeah, you mean when you wake up feeling like a human? Yes I’m aware of this feeling because this is what it feels like to be a human being. You are no different from anybody else, except that others are not trying to rationalize using pot as a child tries to rationalize eating Skittles before bed, arguing that it will help them calm down and prime their brain chemistry for sleep.

     Also, please don’t tell me that cbd is not psychoactive and therefore does not get you high, blah, blah, blah… Trust me, anyone who pumps cbd oil like it was sent from Heaven is also a pot smoker who loves pot. Second, CBD, like THC, still acts on multiple neurotransmitters (Cb1 and Cb2) and acts as a sertonin 5-HT receptor partial agonist. In other words, it activates serotonin, or if competing with a 5-HT agonist, serotonin output is reduced. Therefore, it is essentially a drug that can either make you less depressed or more depressed, that is, if you’re ingesting a salad bar of other psychotropics, which is probable amongst this crowd. Other side effects of CBD include sleepiness, decreased appetite, diarrhea, fatigue, malaise, weakness, sleep disturbances and others (See wikipedia summary for general cbd pharmacology etc).

      The drug action of THC is indeed psychoactive and directly works on the dopaminergic system of the brain. Any psychoactive substance that increases the release of dopamine will cause withdrawal in its absence, as the brain, needless to say, adjusts to any increase and achieves an altered homeostasis, if you will. Once removed, guess what happens? Does the pothead just relax back into normalcy? Nope. They crash, and now organic levels of dopamine feel borderline suicidal. The pothead without pot experiences restlessness, irritability and boredom as does any alcoholic or drug addict, let alone anger, depression, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, melancholy, dread, slothfulness, spiritual angst, emptiness, destitution, emotional instability, dissatisfaction and even rage. Potheads in withdrawal often become enraged and verbally abusive.

     So there is no “I’m completely sober, I just rip bong hits of organic indoor and eat pot gummy worms yo.” Ridiculous. Look, you can tell yourself that your child or your spouse is fine because he or she just smokes pot now. You can tell yourself that you are fine because your clueless doctor said it was okay. You can tell yourself anything you want in order to rationalize, justify and validate your pot use. Despite what cultish beliefs you have fallen prey to, it doesn’t change the truth: pot is a drug. Pot causes brain damage. Pot damages me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Pot makes me lazy and destroys my potential.

     One reason for this is that potheads, being delusional, believe that they are doing well in life, blind to how much more they could achieve were they sober. The truth is that pot use breeds all manner of character flaws, including indifference, carelessness, thoughtlessness, pathological self-absorption, dishonesty, lack of self-awareness and an inability to be truly present, to truly love, and yes, to truly parent. Smoking pot breeds immaturity, purposelessness and uselessness. And please spare me the dual-diagnosis BS. It is not the depression or chemical imbalance that is causing the lack of recovery; it is the lack of recovery that is causing the chemical imbalance.

     But go ahead, it’s legal now so no worries. Do whatever you want. That is the lovely thing about freedom (which is God-given btw, not government-given). You can do, think and say stupid shit. Cherish it before the herd of angry, intolerant, progressive tyrants rip it from our very souls. I believe in freedom and I believe others have a God-given right to be as dumb as a brick. Fortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that using alcohol, drugs, and yup, weed bro, is wrong.

     Finally, none of this particular analysis encompasses the very infantile and self-absorbed worldview of your average pothead, similar to the typical millenial. I’m sure I don’t need to state the obvious that these people are total narcissists and are perhaps the least “spiritual” people on Earth.

     If you have a kid who is stuck and behaving like a child or a spoiled brat, what do you do? You teach them, show them, and push them to grow up mentally, emotionally and socially – not just physically. If my 3-year old continues to whine about candy bars when he’s a teenager with hair all over his body, let’s face it, we gotta problem.

     It is no different with an addict, and we can liken addicts to children who are refusing to grow up. You may think they’re not capable of growing up, and perhaps some are not, but most of us are, so do not use the disease nonsense as an excuse for our childish and self-centered behavior or for our refusal to develop into mature adults and all that entails, such as taking care of oneself, working hard, reaching out to others, being available to our families, and taking responsibility for any habits we may have, especially when they’ve gotten out of hand.

     The contribution of social work and classroom “intellectuals” to the problem of addiction is to let you all know that the addict already feels bad enough about themselves and doesn’t need any more criticism. Wait a sec, um, we feel bad about ourselves because we mutated ourselves into drug addicts. I don’t think we should be excusing someone from the effects of something they did to themselves. What message does that send? That’s like when the fed excused the banks and every other moron by bailing them out after the crash of ’08, and guess what that accomplished? Nothing. They’re right back at it, and the next downturn will make your head spin.

     Criticizing ourselves may be the one shred of clarity we have left. In my quiet moments when I was in the thick of it, I got down on my knees before getting into bed and asked forgiveness for what I was doing, for manipulating and betraying my family. It was a brief moment of honesty in an otherwise sea of lies.

     We’re also assuming that addicts feel bad about themselves, which is not necessarily true. Some of us simply went to have our wisdom teeth pulled and some orthodontist gave us OC 20s to take home for the pain and whoops, what do you know, now we have a habit. Six months later, we have done nothing about our habit and we start buying dope instead. In another six months, we have spiraled into a full blown junkie. Done. Simple as that.

     We are cowards, and cowards, like children, who are scared of everything, need to be pushed out into the world of adult responsibility if they have any chance of surviving. You do not let some whiny, bratty child walk all over you and do whatever the hell they want. We need to teach them, discipline them and add some tough love to the mix, which is quite frankly the loving thing to do. Meeting a child where they are and coddling them when they are smashing jars in the supermarket and chucking pickles at the cashier only validates, reinforces and perpetuates the behavior as well as his or her way of thinking. Our current obsession with feelings, political correctness, and the vilification of nature, biology, family, discipline and universal, moral principles is literally destroying our youth and can be likened to child abuse. The moral relativity in our culture today is poisonous and quite frankly, dangerous.

     Ultimately, however, it is best for the adult child to assess and judge their behavior on their own. For addicts, this is what the Steps teach us. It’s about being honest with oneself, and there is no better elixir than that. And besides, the sad truth is that you really can’t do anything to stop an addict anyway. But trust me, doing nothing at all is much better than showering your addict with frothy emotional appeal and empty platitudes.

     There is nothing wrong with tactful criticism. How do you think I got better? I got better when other addicts who used and felt the way I did and who are now recovered deconstructed the never-ending heap of bullshit that was sitting in my brain and perpetually coming out of my mouth. You can be loving and firm and wise all at the same time. An addict, remember, is lying to themselves 24/7 and needs to be jolted out of their delusion. They need to hear the truth about themselves, about addiction, about what they are doing and how it is affecting others.

     Criticism is just saying, man, you’re a piece of shit! I’ve never advocated any such thing. I’ll challenge you and your lack of courage by describing addiction and breaking down my experience, and then offering you a solution as well. Do you see? I’m not criticizing addicts, I’m trying to be honest with them just as someone was honest with me. Sure I’ll choose to be more gentle at times depending on the person, but you can certainly be critical of an addict in a loving way. You can even be nice and critical at the same time.

     By the way, the sponsees I’ve been toughest on respect me the most. Ask yourself why that is…?

     So if we never hold addicts accountable, show them, teach them firmly, and then offer them a solution that really works, how are we ever going to see through the BS we have been feeding ourselves and everybody else ever since we first began to rationalize drinking alcohol and using drugs? Since addicts certainly cannot, if nobody ever teaches us that what we are doing is wrong, how are we ever going to get better? How are we going to even consider meaningful change?

     You have to remember that the addict’s conscience has shriveled up like a prune and is virtually non-existent. Trust me, they are not going to just magically figure it out on their own. I would be dead in the ground right now if the boys up North never sat me down and shredded all of the ridiculous notions about my self and my addiction to bits.

     Being taught how to properly judge and criticize myself is the very thing that vanquished my addiction and saved my life. If someone can find me one shred of evidence that falsely empowering an addict and blowing smoke up his or her ass in therapy actually works, I’ll happily retract, but it doesn’t. I know it sounds good, but it doesn’t work. Only through rigorous self-honesty and awareness do we find the courage to act.

     Why is this important to understand?

     For one, if you understand the state of being recovered then you will see the great and tragic flaw in the mainstream view of addiction and treatment. You will see that it makes no sense whatsoever. You will see that the information being pumped about addiction is nonsense and that treatment is literally designed to keep addicts from truly recovering. You will see that the so-called intellectuals of today want you to believe that addicts are damaged beyond repair and so we should see them all as victims and then coddle them clinically with substitution drugs and therapeutically by validating all of their feelings, reasons and excuses as to why they use.

     While it may seem on the surface that this new-age, progressive understanding of addiction is one of compassion, the truth is that it’s quite the opposite. Mainstream treatment and its accompanying propaganda cripples addicts. It does not heal nor does it save. It validates the sick idea that addicts will always be diseased and damaged and subpar, and thus to expect much from them lacks compassion. To hell with personal responsibility and accountability. To hell with hard work and exceptionalism. To hell with freedom, success and launching oneself beyond the ash heap of mediocrity, beyond the average, beyond even the non-addict. To hell with literally conquering one’s entire life and his or her surrounding world. To hell with dreams.

     So regarding “recovery,” we are either completely ok or not at all. Even those with relatively strong physical recovery to their lesser counterparts are subject to randomly experience the mental obsession (recurring or spontaneous thoughts to drink or use that do not respond to ration or reason) and just pick-up one day for no reason at all. This is one of the more difficult things for non-addicts to understand (families & spouses) and even non-recovered addicts, as there is no direct experience from which to comprehend the state of being recovered.

     The state of being recovered is when the broken or insane mind of an addict is now entirely free. That is, they no longer suffer from this “mental obsession” and are therefore no longer at risk to drink or use under any circumstance, whether internal or external. This doesn’t just include conscious thoughts to drink or use, but more importantly, includes the inability to suddenly go insane and just reflexively pick-up (as addicts often do and people wonder wtf).

     The non-recovered person may make strides and try hard at their recovery, yet still has a broken mind and can just randomly get high one day with no idea as to why they used. So the brain of a sober addict with some time under his belt and some sort of consistent program may still be completely insane. This is crucial for people to understand. We are either insane or recovered.

     On the other hand, the state of being recovered is pronounced and profound. It cannot be mistaken. Not only is there absolutely no desire to use or drink, no urges as it were, but there is a deep-seated peace and contentment associated with a drug-free life. Those who are recovered hate drugs and alcohol with a passion. They see substances as nothing more than poison, the work of satan, something that stands in the way of them and God and of their spiritual growth. Their minds and souls have cracked wide open and have been released. They cherish their lives and their health, as they are now filled to the brim with purpose and spirit. The become disgusted by drugs and alcohol, and see them for what they really are. They see all that is toxic and begin to naturally repel such things.

     The recovered mind no longer suffers from thoughts to drink or use. In fact, he or she can sit there and purposely think about drugs or work as a bartender or pack bags for a heroin dealer (obviously don’t work for a heroin dealer, as they are, needless to say, doing the work of the devil despite what these progressive idiots and judges here in Massachusetts would have you believe about how dealers are good people just trying to feed their families and should be released) but my point is that they are entirely safe and free.

     There are no triggers. The truth is that triggers do not exist, as the only trigger is simply breathing, i.e. the state of being alive, for the non-recovered. Nothing MAKES someone use – no person, place, memory, event or thing. The idea of “triggers” was invented by clinicians etc who do not understand addiction and do not realize the existence of the state of being recovered, a state that is characterized by a world in which there are no triggers. I could put Oxycontin into bottles all day and not once would it occur to me to destroy all things precious in my life. Not once would it occur to me to destroy my relationship with God, to take back my will, to prevent myself from being able to serve my family, friends, and other addicts and their families or spouses. I have no urge to self-destruct, regardless of what happens around me or what happens inside me emotionally. Do you see?

     I’ll copy and paste the chapter on what happened to me spiritually in the next blog to better explain the state of becoming/being recovered and the total, fundamental shift that can occur within an addict or alcoholic.

     An empty mind is the key to freedom and inner peace, but as we begin thinking too much, mental clutter begets more clutter, and then suddenly we’ve become a hoarder with all sorts of toxic, self-created problems. The emptier a mind, the fewer the problems. I used to work in a kitchen, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for 200 senior residents for eight hours straight. I was so busy that the right hours went by and rarely did a single thought enter my head about anything other than what I was doing in the moment, like burning my face off when I opened the steamer. Pure freedom. I loved that job. If our minds are empty or other-centered, it really doesn’t matter what we are doing.

3) Because it repairs our soul. Working with others heals us spiritually, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even physically. Why? How? For one, you are helping others to change, which changes the world. Since we are all inter-connected and made of energy, when someone is altered, the world is altered. In fact, the entire universe is altered, and this shift in the energy of the person you are working with will also have an effect on you. That’s not fluff, that’s science.

4) Because it helps us to grow and become stronger, thereby adding to our reservoir of relief and sanity, as the act of helping someone or speaking publicly requires us have courage and to step outside of ourselves.

5) Because it lifts us up inside, which is perfect for drug addicts and alcoholics who always need to feel good.

6) Because it sets in motion the law of cause and effect, so any selfless action all but guarantees a positive and rewarding return.

7) Because it is the antithesis of being a selfish drug addict.

     So that was the old post from August of 2014. I mean, really, why be self-absorbed losers, clinging to our fragile comfort zones? How will that sustain us, let alone others? Why be a taker and not a maker? Why be useless as opposed to useful? Addicts who become recovered and lit up with God are some of the most productive, amazing people in the world. Conversely, those who simply hold on for dear life in a constant fit of insanity and self-absorption, do nothing for themselves or anybody else. The world needs people to step up and teach, show and guide others who cannot, will not, or simply refuse to teach, show and guide themselves.

     Listen to your gut, does it feel right? If not, repel it. If it does, get up immediately and go do it. And to all of you parents and spouses out there, if the addict has not had this fundamental change, you will know, because when they do, you will feel it. You will just know that they are okay. You will look in there eyes and see a glow.

     Also, do yourself a favor and remember that you cannot trust anything that comes out of the mouth of both an active addict or a sober yet untreated one. Both are completely insane and subject to do any number of fucked up, harmful things at will. 

     And finally, there are ALWAYS people to help. Just say this prayer to yourself quietly, “God, please bring me the opportunity to help others,” and they will come out of the woodwork.

     It’s been a while, but a very dear and wonderful friend has encouraged me to continue writing and speaking, so here I am. To note, the summer is non-stop work-wise, so I should have more time to write as things slow down a bit during the colder months. Time is the central issue, especially with the children, and once the day is finally done, I often have nothing left, such as creative energy, aka fuel for inspiration.

Billboard in Southie.

     I should follow up that desperation is certainly no requirement to growing up and it will undoubtedly necessitate a prolonged period of selfishness, much to the dismay and heart-wrenching pain of our loved ones. Desperation is a last resort.

     Let’s face it, addicts shouldn’t be given the “gift” of desperation, let alone any other gifts such as a trophy for “clean” time. Why is that, Charlie, you asshole? Because we never should have become addicts to begin with. Why should anyone be rewarded just because he or she (sorry, I only use two pronouns, you know, biology and all… but no offense to any gender-fluid, snowflake mellenials out there who are offended by literally everything, even themselves! lol) stopped doing the wrong thing? Plus, if we receive God’s grace, which we don’t deserve, it should humble us, not drive us towards yet even more recognition and attention.

     So is desperation a gift? It certainly can be, depending on the individual.

     A good anecdote is a cocky teenager who drinks and gets high and is still having fun with it. Why would a clueless adolescent ingrate get better while he’s out there having a blast and hasn’t suffered any profound life consequences yet? They have no need nor any will to change because, let’s be honest, they don’t really have to yet. They are still in la-la land, and even when they have legal trouble, they usually get to walk right out. They haven’t lost their families, their bodies, their minds, and they have no understanding of money and the world, so they don’t feel the weight of survival and adult responsibilities. The twisted irony is that we don’t want to stop until we can’t stop – until we’ve completely lost control and no longer have the ability to stop.

     I only went to detox and eventually up North because I was out of options. I was broke and in tens of thousands of debt. I was emaciated and my body was finally breaking down. Mixing coke and heroin was soon going to blow my heart out. I was miles beyond hope and no longer believed it was possible to get better and live a life again. The level of my depression and spiritual destitution was seemingly terminal. I was unrecoverable. At the bitter end, I was only using to stay out of continuous withdrawals. It wasn’t fun anymore. Nothing was fun. I’d lost nearly everything – friends, some family, respect, meaning, purpose – my soul. If I hadn’t been this beat up, I can promise you that I never would’ve even considered going to a detox.

     The sooner that using no longer becomes fun and is only a way to fend off withdrawal, the better. Sure you don’t have to wait until you’re rotting away in a crackhouse with 5 STDs and one tooth left, but the truth is that the worse we get (and not just with drugs but every other facet of life), the closer we are actually getting to recovery. This is why enabling doesn’t work. Why would we ever change or stop when we have everything we need, when we can sort of manage our addiction year after year, when we have you wrapped around our dirty, greedy fingers? Do not help erect any walls between us and God, whatever they may be. I’m sure you can figure out what those walls are. There are many.

     So I for one will pray that any active addicts out there become as hopeless and desperate as hopeless and desperate gets. Only then might they see the futility in drugs and alcohol as a solution to their lives. Only then might we finally put aside our stubborn pride and selfish disbelief and reach out to God with everything we have left within. Only then might we begin to realize that our problem is not drugs and alcohol, it is life. Only then might we realize that not being okay is simply part of the human condition, that none of us are really okay, and that we do not have the right to drink and use drugs simply because we are human. Only then might we realize that it is okay to suffer. And when we embrace our suffering, that is the moment it begins to dissolve.

     I never really cared or bothered to check, but a few simple, targeted searches revealed my stuff plagiarized quite a bit. Entire pieces were copied and pasted with false attribution or none at all. I also found many quotes literally copied into another graphic with someone else’s name at the bottom. LOL. While I guess it is somewhat flattering, it is also something I wouldn’t dream of doing myself.

     Yes, this is at best a shabby attempt at community service and yes, all I really care about is that it’s out there and useful to people, but how about we give it proper attribution? You don’t even have to use my name – you can just say this is from The Privileged Addict or whatever.

     So if I may, all of my blog pieces, books and quotes are copyrighted. The Library of Congress is a real place and there can be real consequences. I certainly don’t have the time or the will to pursue copyright infringement, and like I said, I don’t particularly care all that much, but whoever you are really pissed off my kid. 😎

We will get you…

     Blind faith is the key to getting better…

     Alcoholics and addicts are obstinate and tend to worship their own intellect, if you can call it that. We think we can get ourselves better if and when we choose, which is a fallacy. And no matter how smart we think we are, our minds have instead become narrow and limited. We demand to see results. We demand to know exactly what it is that will fix us before we even begin. We want to see it to believe it… but that may be the one thing standing in the way of getting better.

     Until I read my inventory (5th Step) and recited the 7th Step prayer, I had no idea if any of it would actually work. At times, it was difficult to embark on this mountain of work without knowing the end result. There was no guarantee I would have some profound psychic change. There was no guarantee I would recover. And this is exactly why addicts need to take a leap of faith… to break a lifelong pattern of never trusting in the unknown. We always have to know. We cling to our own self-will and sense of control because we don’t trust in letting go. We don’t trust in God’s will.

     So in the Steps we are asked to step into the darkness, unsure of where we will land. We are asked to just do the work on faith and see what happens. It’s like a trust fall. You don’t know all of those people will catch you when you fall back – you have to trust that they will. Faith is trust. Trust that it will work. Trust that you will be okay. Trust in your recovery. Trust in the unknown. Trust in God.

     And hey, why not?

     Why not do some real work for a change? Why not feel some discomfort? Why not trust in something other than ourselves, especially when our track record of self-will track isn’t exactly something to envy? What more do we have to lose? Probably not much, knowing addicts and alcoholics. I mean let’s face it, we have no clue. The total failure of our self-will and our intellect to navigate life is proof in and of itself that reliance on something Greater can only help matters.

     These are the great challenges for the addict – the challenge to feel uncomfortable, the challenge to feel pain, the challenge to embrace the reality of human life, and most importantly, the challenge to let go our our self-will and intellectual bullshit and give ourselves to God.

     What that means is we come to understand that we are not the most powerful force in our lives. We understand that alone we will fail, at least when it comes to drugs/alcohol, and probably a host of other things. We also come to understand that there exists other forces much more powerful than we are. And even if we haven’t felt it yet, we are going to suspend disbelief for the moment and TRUST that God is there and that He has the power to do what we have never been able to do for ourselves.

     So I challenge other addicts to see where right, moral, consistent action will get them. I challenge addicts to try relying on something other than themselves. I challenge addicts to rely on God. Sure you must get up and act and do the work, but stop impulsively making decisions for yourself as if we know everything. Stop, be still, pray hard… and then get up and continue moving through life. If we just slow the F down a little bit, the universe will conspire to show us the next right thing, to bring us a path that is good for us. Pray to be of service and remain willing to do anything it takes, and trust me, you will be amazed.

    Finally, don’t be afraid to suffer. Suffering is just human life. We all suffer. Addicts are not the only ones who suffer. Everybody does, and it’s good for us. It’s good for us to embrace where we are and what we are feeling because it gives us the capacity to then handle real life. Embracing reality is the only way to grow and succeed, to conquer our demons, and eventually, to conquer our dreams.

God, teach me to be still and know…