Yeah that goes for potheads, too.

     Just heard this on the radio and thought it was clever:

     Take a person and see them as a piece of pristine glass.

     Some of us are smudged, some of us are cracked, and some of us are shattered.

     Great analogy, to say the least. Let’s elaborate a bit for fun.

     Smudges are easily manageable. Cracks can also be undone with some effort. But if we are shattered, there is virtually no hope, barring divine intervention.

     I assume the majority of addicts are simply cracked whereas, say, a true narcissist or sociopath is perhaps shattered beyond repair.

     Are you is someone you know smudged, cracked, or shattered? Trick question, as the shattered individual will not admit he or she is shattered. Have you ever seen a narcissist admit they are a narcissist?

     Nope.

   

    If alcoholics and addicts have the capacity to be honest with themselves, they have the seed of God within. And because a seed that is nourished can grow forever, there is no limit to our spiritual growth. There is no limit to how deeply we can change and heal and thrive and give back. We must simply find the willingness to turn our inner seed into a fountain of strength.

     For willingness, we pray. Two of my favorites are ‘God, make me a better man today‘ & ‘God, bring the opportunity to help someone.’ I haven’t the faintest idea if the first one ever comes true. But the second one always does. There are always people to help.

     
     I’d like to think that the seed of God is in all of us. Someone I know once likened this seed to a ball of brass. Perhaps it is dull, worn, small and has lost its glow. Yet when we polish it and shed the layers of resentment, fear, selfishness and dishonesty, gradually it becomes brighter and brighter. It begins to grow larger and eventually it glows once again. Our conscience expands, and we become acutely aware of what is right and what is wrong. 

     So my job is to make sure I continue to polish my God Brass on a regular basis so that it never becomes dull or loses its shine, for with the withering of our conscience comes the destruction of the soul and all that is good.

Comment:

     Whoever wrote this is a fucking lunatic and knows nothing of plant medicine and furthermore is an AA/NA cultist

Response:

     Thanks for making my point for me… I guess. But this is not very difficult to grasp. I have nothing against Ibogaine. I’ve read that it can quite effectively detox opiate addicts… but that is exactly my point.

     There is detox…

     …and then there is a lifetime of recovery.
     To note (briefly) regarding Ibogaine as effective in detoxing heroin junkies, according to Wikipedia, the action of the psychoactive drug within the plant “is metabolized in the human body by cytochrome P450 2D6 into noribogaine (12-hydroxyibogamine). Noribogaine is most potent as a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. It acts as a moderate κ-opioid receptor agonist^[27] and weak µ-opioid receptor agonist^[28] or weak partial agonist.[29” I can understand how a kappa-opioid receptor agonist may help detox an addict, but I don’t understand how inhibiting serotonin re-uptake (which means more serotonin) as well as activating the mu-opioid receptor would do any such thing except provide physical comfort to the addict, which by the way, I don’t believe is good for addicts. I don’t believe addicts should detox comfortably for several obvious reasons. 

     At any rate, I can’t believe I have to say this and state what seems so clear, but let’s proceed given that the Ibogaine pumpers, while also being generally enraged and unstable, believe the plant to be a comprehensive, lifelong solution, that by tripping their balls off once, albeit therapeutically, we are somehow free from the addict mind and heart. Don’t worry about doing any actual work on yourself day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year or decade after decade because the plant itself can somehow assume the day to day grind of human life – it can write your inventory, make your amends, give back to your family, friends and other loved ones all that you have taken. It can also meditate, exercise, eat right, work hard, contribute, serve and work with others (which, quite frankly, every addict must do, as service runs contrary to addiction, and thus service is the nature of the solution that undoes the selfishness within.)

     Once you are detoxed and you fall right off your pink cloud one day, all of the hard work of recovery, life, family and career you and you alone must gather the strength and willingness to take on. You and you alone must get up and act. The plant can’t do that for you, and by all accounts, detox is but a short clinical procedure. The ass must then rise up off of the couch, buddy. Sorry if that offends you or violates your “safe space.” The fever pitch nowadays about everybody’s feelings and how everything must be scrubbed and sanitized is insufferable. Is the notion of growing up and becoming an adult really so devastating that we have to castigate such language as discriminatory? Ridiculous.

     Apparently, I also know nothing about plant medicine (meaning nothing at all), despite having spent a fair amount of time studying Chinese herbs, tinctures, homeopathy, Ayurvedic medicine, drug action and psychopharmacology. Plant medicine? You mean like weed, bro? Let me guess, pot is medicine, too, right? Try telling that to your poor brain. Or how about heroin, a derivative of the poppy plant, or cocaine, a derivative of the coca plant?

     Here was my honest and thoughtful analysis of the post in question, and then we can decide who is lunatic cultist, k?

     “First of all, and this may be somewhat irrelevant, but regarding other types of drugs as a solution to drug addiction, more drugs don’t fix a drug problem just like more debt doesn’t fix a debt problem, obviously. Mood-altering drugs, regardless of class, are the antithesis of the spiritual life. Why is common sense is so lost on us when it comes to addiction and recovery? To make an insane drug addict sane again requires quite the opposite of dissociating from reality.

     Even if you receive some temporary clarity and the novelty of that keeps you sober for a while, trust me, it is only a matter of time before your old self smacks you back in the face. It is like building a house on sand. If your foundation hasn’t been laid solid through hard work and sacrifice, your house of cards will blow over when life challenges you and the going gets rough. Sure ibogaine may detox you properly, but then what? Nothing will stop you from wanting to get high once you’re clean… or rather, nothing will stop the mental obsession from randomly smacking you in the face. The fact is that chemical intervention has never made an insane man sane again. Let’s elaborate…”

     Now, you can go and read the rest of the post and decide if I’m being unfair and/or obtuse about the whole thing, but part of what motivated the post was the unhinged behavior of Ibogaine pumpers that you see trolling blogs. If you say anything they don’t like, watch out. But if it is indeed the healing of the nations and the bringer of peace, as asserted, then um, why are you guys so angry and hostile?

     What prompted my original post was observing the dialogue triggered by sincere questions and concerns by grieving parents on an Ibogaine blog. Two of the more frightening comments by the frantic trolls were, “I’m not in this for the money, I’m just saving addicts’ lives” and “Fine, let your kid die if you want.” Gee, how humble. That sort of grandiose vitriol should have you running.

     So are you sure it’s me who is the “f***ing lunatic cultist?” Admittedly, we should all take a moment from time to time to look in the mirror and assess the quality of our recovery, the quality of our character, the quality of our souls. I do, and while I fail often and constantly reassess, at least I know how damaged and messed up I am and try to work on myself. So are you really at peace with your plant? Or are you really just miserable and angry and looking to project?

      I know some people hate this blog and think I am negative and preachy, but many of them have read but a few lines and haven’t seen the pile of scathing self-indictment and honest self-deprecation contained within these blogs, let alone the many posts about God, love, meditation, inventory, courage, hope and positivity. I am well aware of all of my flaws and sin, but does that mean I shouldn’t write what I know? Remember also that a sponsor is not a friend to go bowling with and jerk you off. You don’t have to like me for me to able to help you, and thank goodness for that, because while I do plan on trying to live right, I don’t plan on becoming a different person to suit others any time soon.

     In today’s depraved and indignant culture of moral relativity, narcissism and self-centeredness have become quite pervasive. But when up is down, left is right, light is dark and right is wrong, the narcissist cannot see or understand what he or she is doing. And when the peripheral elements in their lives, which are supposed to provide some perspective and perhaps some truth, wisdom and common sense, are instead validating their narcissistic traits and impulses, they go forth blind to their behavior, to their obstinacy and arrogance, and more importantly, to the effect they have on others.

     Narcissists are experts in the infuriating and perverted practice of passive-aggression. They are generally too inept, paranoid, or just plain stupid to say what they mean. Instead, they resort to obfuscated, indirect, ‘beat around the bush’ type passive attacks, many of which have nothing at all to do with the situation. You are left trying to interpret what the hell they are talking about, and if you don’t pick up on these twisted and mind-boggling cues, if you’re not a mind-reader, they attack you even more. You become the monster while they become the victim.

     Outright, blatant aggression is easy to see and dissect. It is clear the person is deranged and clear that the childish outburst has nothing to do with you. Passive-aggression, on the other hand, is a more clever and disguised way of whittling away at your spirit and individuality by inserting lies into reality. Passive-aggression may also appear to be overt aggression, such as name-calling and smears, but this is actually passive-aggressive because the smear is not rooted in reality and is often an attempt to divert and deflect, especially when one cannot explain/justify their behavior or argue a cause with any truth or decency. It also comes with the intent to normalize the demonization of you and make it acceptable and orthodox. The effect is to successfully minimize what they do while maximizing your reaction or non-reaction. 

     Passive-aggression is a way for the narcissist to get attention. You have to understand that all they care about is getting attention, so it doesn’t matter if it is negative or positive attention. When you are shattered beyond repair and loathe who you are, you must get attention lest you believe you will die. Thus, passive-aggression allows the narcissist to start or pick a fight out of the blue when nothing has happened. It baits the other into engaging, as any normal, reasonable and concerned person will inquire what the problem is. And therein is the narcissist’s opening. You have just opened the door to a twilight zone of lunacy and hurt, so watch out. Next thing you know, you are suddenly and without cause the target of criticism, judgment, smear, accusation, rage, sarcasm, you name it. When and if you react, the narcissist wins as they can and will turn it all around on you, saying,

     “See! Look at you! So abusive and horrible! I am such a victim! You are an evil monster!”

     So right after being victimized yourself, you suddenly become the victimizer, which of course allows the narcissist to not only maintain power and control over you, but also cleverly allows them to excuse themselves from any and all responsibility for the random attack they executed against you for no reason at all. The narcissist engages in direct projection without shame. To weasel their way out of it, they accuse you of the very thing they have done. It’s infuriating, I know, but understand it is just the desperate tactic of a lunatic. 

      Such is just one of many hallmarks of narcissism, often seen in a toxic relationship, though now we increasingly see this behavior in the public realm. But it is not you. If you are an loving, supportive, responsible, sober, hard-wording, sensible adult yet you are attacked night and day, it is not you. It is the narcissist/s you happen to suffer. The narcissist only represents his or herself, for only a hurting soul that has become empty, angry, desperate, spiteful and pathologically self-absorbed behaves in such a way.

      Take some comfort in the fact that their narcissism is driven by something we could call reality derangement syndrome. That is, their mental illness and self-absorption limits them and gets in the way of seeing reality itself. You know this is the case when they are presented with reality and completely lose their minds. Reality is not a part of their indoctrination and thus, the narcissist must alter reality to fit their narrative. You often see them making something out of nothing, turning a molehill into a mountain. A harmless slight, observation, reality-based fact, accurate recollection or representation of events turns into the greatest transgression ever to occur in the history of mankind.

     Wait, can I say mankind anymore? Oh that’s right, whoops. I’m so, so sorry and didn’t realize that any word with “man” in it is now evil and I must die. I’m so, so sorry as I wasn’t aware that a small group of tyrants now have the authority to vilify the entire English language and tell me what words I can and cannot use, even words such as simple pronouns rooted in something I thought they loved so much – science. The problem is there is no talking any sense into these people. They are triggered and can no longer think straight, let alone think at all. They go into pure emotional rage. It’s almost schizophrenic.   

     Just watch what happens when you bring up your own point or opinion, regardless of how reasoned or accurate it may be. Watch what happens when you express your own measured concerns with civility and from a place of peace. Watch what happens when you disagree with anything the narcissist thinks or believes. They immediately become indignant, apoplexy ensues and you become the target. They are vicious and attack you with unfettered belligerence, incoherence and stupidity. None of it is grounded in reason, sense, sanity or reality, let alone logic or historical fact. They have an amazing ability to rewrite history – to distort, change, skew, or to erase it altogether. Self-righteous arrogance and entitlement drips off of them. The stench is unbearable. They wear their feelings on their sleeve like an undisciplined, immature child. No adult acts this way. They enter a room and ruin everything. Everyone can feel it. It is palpable. They must get attention.

     I write this aspect narcissism as I personally cannot stand immature, passive, dishonest bullshit. Having put up with it for so long, I have little patience anymore for this nonsense. I truly appreciate a person who is direct, straight-forward, measured and discrete – those who say what they mean and mean what they say. Beating around the bush is not something I care to entertain anymore.

     I’m posting this comment response because it was too long for the comment section, as I continue to get emails from the therapist contingency asking about dopamine, not to mention the recent onslaught of concocted science regarding the organic or constitutional neurochemistry of drug addicts and how drug-seeking behavior is not only rational and justified but in fact just a “sincere” and no doubt heartwarming effort to achieve normal levels of certain neurotransmitters. Excuse for a sec me while I go beat my head against a wall. Plus I just read an article in the NYT propaganda machine about some poor 6-year old child on both adderall and the anti-psychotic, risperdal. Let me tell you that our doctors and elected officials who sanction this kind of poison as well as the parents who passively follow orders without a single neuron firing (no pun intended) are nuts, or at the very least grossly misguided and negligent.

Comment:

     To me the most liberating Concept in the big book is that my troubles are of my own making. It was not fun to confront that but it was essential to free myself from my victim’s cloak. It taught me to keep my mouth shut and do nothing when something is none of my business. It taught me that I don’t always have to put my opinion out for the world’s benefit. As the other big book says, sufficient unto today are its own troubles. It reinforces my third step decision, that I am no longer in the business of management of my own life. Much less anyone elses. And guess what — my family life, my business life, my social life, all got a lot better without my micro management.

Response:

     Another excellent comment from my friend, Richard.

     Contrary to common sense, decency and moral absolutes, many of us addicts are taught in today’s fallen world and disturbing cultural shifts to believe that accountability and admitting our wrongs promotes shame and low self-worth. New age self-help, pop psychology and hip (faux) spirituality teaches us that there is no such thing as healthy shame, that we are not to be punished or humbled, but rather coddled and “self-empowered” as it were. This is another way of saying that we are essentially victims and therefore absconded from ownership of our troubles as well as the effects of our narcissism. Today, we are given carte blanche to whine and complain. Today it is all about our feelings. Facts and reality be damned. 
 
     We are not addicts because of our genes, because our daddy or grandpa or the guy who came over on the Mayflower was an alcoholic. We are not alcoholics because of the bully in school or because we suffered from depression. We are not alcoholics because of “social injustice” and micro-aggressions that only exist only in our hypersensitive minds and only offend our precious little selves. We are not alcoholics because of our job, our town or some relationship we’re in, or rather, some relationship we managed to cultivate and attract to ourselves. We are alcoholics because we mutated ourselves into alcoholics. Our lives are a mess because of the way we have chosen to perceive and respond to events. To see events as acting upon us as opposed to us causing or attracting the events to ourselves is a false belief. 

     “Existence precedes essence.” – Jean Paul Sartre
 
     The truth is quite the opposite – that accountability, as Richard says, in fact liberates us. Taking ownership of our troubles frees us from the anxiety of having to fabricate reason after reason (excuse after excuse) for why we feel the way we do, why bad things happen to us and how our lives have manifested as they have up to this point. Assigning blame for every problem in our lives is a daunting task and requires the constant exertion of self-will. As well, it requires that we remain deluded and dishonest with ourselves, which simply propels us deeper into spiritual agony – anger, depression, fear, envy, jade, cynicism, self-hatred, projection, dependence, narrow-mindedness, ethnocentricity… and of course other forms of self-inflicted torture like the need to control, manipulate, judge, smear, emotionally blackmail, feign outrage, etc. etc.

     And this is precisely why the Big Book so wisely asserts and tries to smash into our proud and self-obsessed minds that “our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.” – Alcoholics Anonymous p.62

     Thank God for the Big Book. Thank God for the Bible. Thank God for the Commandments. Being so scorned and hated simply reflects how important and true they are.  

     Today the Lord’s name is spat on, despised and banned from public institutions of all kind. Today monuments that bear the ten commandments are toppled and removed because somebody somewhere was offended. Today we worship ourselves instead of God and our precious feelings instead of truth and reason. 

     Today it is demanded that we instead embrace atheism, adultery, pornography, (real) violence and death. Today we promote and defend adultery, the greatest injury to family bonds. Today we gleefully crush the skulls of our unborn and sell their body parts for profit. 

    Today the family unit itself is scorned. Today parents are freely cursed and their decisions and authority are defied at will. Today children are allowed to disown their parents if they do not cede to their every desire no matter how sick or deranged or spiritually destructive it may be. 

     Today we are taught the lie that it is righteous to covet what is not ours. Today we are told that theft and envy in the form of socialism are just and right, that it is greedy to want to keep what I’ve worked for but not greedy to covet what somebody else. Today we empower the state to rob Peter to pay Paul, to take from those who toil and earn with dignity and give it to themselves and to those who do not, to those who will vote for them on the promise of free stuff, which is not free. 

     Today our so-called journalists, reporters, politicians and the ranks of justice bask in corruption. They lie and bear false witness and we cheer.  

    Today the youth and the universities hate truth, free speech, academic and scientific inquiry. They hate God. 

     Today, our media puppets reach physical climax by any collective hatred of what is good and true and honest. They love death and chaos. They love to control us, tell us what to think, and strip us of our fundamental and God-given rights. Today good is considered evil and evil is considered good.

    Today we are told to willingly accept the indoctrination that righteousness instead lies in the violation of the commandments. Today, we are told to whine and complain incessantly in a mad fit of rage. Today the media propaganda machines rile us up and create angry mobs by fabricating stories and the self-fulfilling prophecy of claiming racism and bigotry where none exists. Today, the trick is self-seeking, to look and scream like you actually care about people and the world, when the truth is you couldn’t care less. 

    The truth is they want death and depopulation. They want to control and take and tax and censor. They want a one-party, communist dictatorship. They are takers and hate the makers. They want to destroy families and disarm the citizenry so we can no longer protect ourselves against those who would harm us. They want to destroy the only institutions left between us and them having absolute power. And if we strip the good, honest, hard-working people of their right to bear arms, the only ones left with arms are the criminals and the government. Sounds like George Orwell was looking into a crystal ball.

     But hey, all in the name of progress, right? 

     Wrong.

     Sorry, but anyone breaking into my home and attempting to hurt my children is going to have to contend with a loaded winchester spx. The day that is taken away from me is the day the devil wins. I am a father, and it is my job to defend them and raise them into decent men and women. It is not my job to raise them into the next generation of entitled snowflakes.

    
     My loving but sad father died prematurely from early-onset dementia. To be more accurate, my Dad was an untreated, depressed alcoholic who gave up. His spiritual malady became organic and gradually his brain turned on itself and began degenerating. Once that process starts, the result is terminal. But in his death, my father teaches us drug addicts and alcoholics two invaluable lessons.

     One is human responsibility. We must never forget that nobody and nothing outside of ourselves is responsible for who we are. We bear full responsibility for taking care of ourselves, for our success and for our failure. We mold ourselves into men and women or moral character and strength or into Godless dens of iniquity and wilting leaves of cowardice. The choice is most certainly ours to make.

     The other lesson from my father is that we must never give up. Never. The people who get better are people who absolutely refuse to give up. Their resolve to change and grow is as firm as it gets. Why is it so important to never give up? Because resolve and courage are what facilitate miracles. Those of us who don’t give up are those who God touches. God comes into those who truly desire to change and who will do ANYTHING to get better. God restores to sanity those of us who refuse to roll over. He then fills us with the strength and power to do His will.

     Don’t let the status quo puppets out there tell you that the Step process of spiritual action only works for some, or that God is simply a belief system that isn’t real, or that you can make your higher power the rims on your car, or that you will always be fighting to stay sober, or that relapse is part of recovery, or that harm reduction is a solution. These are notions of the minions and shills of the pharmaceutical elite and the progressive nutjobs. They even teach this stuff now to students of addiction psychology, mental health, social work and a slew of other educational programs that have been co-opted by the APA and the like, which have themselves been co-opted by the pharmaceutical brass and their marketers and media puppets. Don’t waste your money like I did. I’ve helped so many more people as a recovered junkbox than I have with my ridiculous college degree in psychology. Joke.

     So watch out for the flimsy ideas and of the Establishment. Dangerous stuff, to be sure. We must never forget that it is GOD who fills us with serenity, peace and sanity within… not ourselves, someone else, or some new, cutting edge miracle drug – an oxymoron, to be sure, as miracles only occur in the absence of drugs.

     If happiness lies in the ability to enjoy less, than being an addict is the precise opposite of such a condition. So when we get better, we develop the ability to enjoy less. The more we simplify, the greater the pleasure in simple things.

     I used to need about five OC 80s, a bag of heroin, a pile of coke, two packs of butts, greasy food, sex, tv, and countless other distractions of the lowest possible quality just to feel moderately okay and make it through the day. That is pathetic. It is sin.

     When we get better, we begin to find pleasure in less. We lower the bar, but in a good way. After years of removing drugs and distraction and selfish behavior, we begin to enjoy simple pleasures we once took for granted, all those things we moaned about in a fit of entitlement. Active addicts and alcoholics are like spoiled children, throwing tantrums when they can’t eat candy all day long. I’ve been inundated lately with all sorts of nonsense about how becoming an addict is beyond our control. Sure addiction is a malady, but it is a self-created one. Acting like a needy victim that complains incessantly is not an illness beyond our control. It is what we do to desperately maintain our addiction and our warped construction of self after we’ve turned ourselves into addicts.

     Getting better is not just the process of growing up into adults who understand that life on Earth doesn’t involve 24/7 euphoria and does involve work, but also one of removal and simplification. By removing things, we come to appreciate them more. Less becomes more. I find myself experiencing considerable pleasure from almost nothing: a glass of cold water when I’m thirsty, a hot shower, watching my son’s crazy new dance moves, watching my little girl pretend to be a zombie, seeing them both asleep in bed (lol), lying down after a long day, looking at the yard after landscaping or a room after renovating, swimming in the ocean, closing my eyes and breathing, sitting down, playing tennis, the feeling after working out or a warm breeze on my face.

     A while back, I sat down in an old beach chair while my son played with sand and a great calm washed over me. I can’t explain it with any specificity or eloquence other than to say that I felt completely happy in that moment. Not a single thought or worry poisoned my mind. Not a shred of discontent could I find anywhere within. Sure it was only momentary, but I would never be able to bask in those simplest of things as an active addict. All addicts do is want, want, want and need, need, need. Not only is that a miserable way to move through life and navigate this world, but is also acts as a repellent to others. “Rather unbecoming” as my old man used to say with his jaw locked up good and tight.

     To enjoy less, we must never stop getting better. Go write down all the ways you behave as an addict and the way you were as an addict, and do the exact opposite, everyday, for the rest of your life. Nobody’s a saint, so all we have to do is our best. But that is how we get better… by acting like a normal person and developing the ability to enjoy less.