Tag Archives: psychopaths

Grandiosity

Posted on by under Narcissism, psychopaths

     During my annoyingly manic, painfully self-seeking, falling-down-drunk, living in Boston phase, I used to dress up in a Brooks Brothers suit and custom Italian loafers and saunter around Back Bay pretending to be some ultra-rich, ultra successful, corporate wheeler and dealer who just didn’t have the time to spend all the money he was making, and certainly didn’t have the time to care. Special note to alcoholics and addicts, especially those of you who are in one of your manic, show-off phases:

     Nobody cares about what you’re doing. Nobody cares about how you look. Nobody cares about your feelings. And everything that you think is just so important, well, um, nope… it isn’t. You are not special and you don’t suffer any more than anybody else. 

     Addicts who are still having fun with it and don’t look totally emaciated and run over yet often exhibit this sort of grandiosity. If you’ve ever known a narcissist, than you know how brutally annoying it can be. I consider myself rather fortunate to be frequently swarmed by a narcissist, as they are a great teacher of mine. And I hate to say it, but narcissists are often psychopaths, and since addicts are neck-deep in grandiosity, we should probably look at that in more depth, if only to serve as a warning…

     Narcissists think they are the most amazing things in all of creation. They wholeheartedly believe they are perhaps the most talented geniuses who are surely destined for fame and glory… even if the stuff they are producing is utter garbage, as it often is.

     Narcissists will love you or hate you, idolize you or demonize you, charm you or abuse the shit out of you, simply to get what they want. They will stop at nothing, like various types of prostitutes, to obtain false, external power. They are so shattered as a human and as a spirit that everything they say when hurt is pure projection. If you step on the toes of a narcissist, watch out, for you are now in the presence of a psychopath. You have just incurred the wrath of a sadistic monster who will stop at nothing to tear you to shreds.

     After a narcissist thoroughly abuses and thrashes you, they won’t look back for a split second. They feel full and uplifted inside if they have successfully and profoundly hurt you. They have no real feelings whatsoever for anybody else. All they care about in this world are themselves, only seeing the world through their twisted, pathologically self-centered lens. Everything is an extension of the narcissist, the world begins and ends with them, and thus anything and everything is to be used solely as a tool to get what they want. They are 100% convinced that their lives, feelings, thoughts, and ambitions are far more important than anybody else’s.

     They are the most dangerous people in the world to mess with, so if you can, avoid them like the plague. Unfortunately, it is quite difficult to avoid the plans, schemes and designs of these narcissistic psychopaths, as they surround us in large numbers. In fact, many of them run the country, the central banks, the IMF, the CFR, the BIS etc.

(See Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Psychopathology.)

     As far as manic addicts are concerned, our grandiosity may not go quite this far, but this is why we MUST take Steps. Getting sober surely isn’t enough when we have a mountain of filth to clean out from within. Sober addicts are extremely sick individuals, and we owe it to ourselves, our spouses, our families, our friends, and to the good of the world to do endless work on ourselves in an effort to rid us from our embarrassing selves… our false selves.

     Recently, a seething pile of AA goers, especially atheist AA goers (if there is such a thing), gave me endless crap about addressing the moral aspect of our sickness. But really, after hurting others for so long and being so selfish, isn’t it time we take off the diapers and stop using AA to complain about how hard it is to be an alcoholic and how hard it is to stay sober, and how nobody knows how we feel, and wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh, wanh…

     Isn’t it time we get over ourselves?

God, please rid me of the filth and poison of narcissism and grandiosity…

Monsters

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

    When I was actively drinking and using, breaking up with women was a total disaster. Regardless of the circumstances, I was hell bent on getting the last word in – abusive word, that is. It was necessary to rip these poor girls apart in order to repair the sideswipe to my pride, ego and self-esteem as I heard the words, “I can’t be with you anymore.”

     EXCUSE ME?! How could anyone break up with ME?! She must be a delusional, stupid, worthless, piece of shit whore! 

     The feeling of rejection was just way too much for me to comprehend. Being a selfish addict (aka pathetic child), discomfort was to be avoided at all costs, even if that meant ripping my unfortunate girlfriends to shreds. You name it, I said it.

     Now that I have a wife of 9 years and a newborn son, I have to watch it with my mouth. We addicts are generally pretty skilled at the art of verbal abuse. Same with many of the personality disorders we might find in the DSM-IV. Especially NPD and BPD. Trust me, I have been most fortunate to have x-girlfirends, an x-boss, and a few relatives and in-laws with these personalities.

     They are great teachers, let me tell you. They are also great actors, portraying one side to the general public but turning into monsters with those who challenge them or stand up to their abuse. They can act normal, sincere, charming, even helpful and kind. Yet disappoint them or refuse to give them everything they demand and you will soon be demonized beyond belief. They will cut you down, make up lies, and scandalize you. They will paint you as a sick, twisted loser while painting themselves as a wonderful, shining angel, or hero, or victim (ugh, heros and victims). They can actually be quite productive, because they are not active addicts nor are they clinically depressed. No, what they are is completely nuts. They are sociopaths.

    I once feared becoming this way, as I fell into the trap of cruelty as a defense mechanism. As addicts, we must defend and protect our habits no matter what the cost. We must hurt, lie and abuse to get and keep what we want. We become so warped that we lose all sight of what we are doing. At some point, we get to the edge of darkness. We flirt with hurting others and not even caring. We flirt with sociopathology.

     And this is why I am so serious about addicts not just getting sober. We are damaged and therefore we must change profoundly. We must rid ourselves of these behavioral traits that one sees in narcissists, borderlines, and sociopaths. If you are an addict out there, ask yourself, do you want the shame, the burden, the curse and the caste of being almost human? Do you want to be a body without a soul? Do you want to be a monster? Because turning into such a thing is a lot worse than being an addict. At least addicts can get better. Most sociopaths and psychopaths cannot.

God, teach me to forgive and accept myself that I may forgive and accept others…