Tag Archives: Spouses

To Parents, Spouses & Codependents

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     If you are living with an addict, you are living with a crazy person. If you read Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More (which every spouse & parent of an addict should read), you will realize that by living with a crazy person, you can become some degree of crazy yourself.

     Therefore, parents and spouses of addicts may also be quite ill. If they have been preoccupied with our addiction all of these years, chances are they have been avoiding anything and everything inside themselves. If and when the addict recovers, what happens when this once ongoing distraction is removed? What happens is that all sorts of pain, anger, sadness, resentment and a mountain of other unresolved stuff comes bubbling to the surface.

     In some cases, parents, spouses and codependents might use someone else’s addiction to avoid doing work on themselves. And sadly, when the addict does recover, their resentment sometimes grows much stronger. Their own flaws suddenly become more apparent, but they are bitter. “Why should I have to change and work on myself also when you are the piece of shit who was drinking, using, lying, stealing and breaking my heart all these years?!” 

     So what can be done? Let me tell you about my wife. When I came home from treatment, it was apparent that there was a profound change in me. She knew I was better and that the worrying sick and the preoccupation was over. Uh oh. She became all but miserable, knowing that if she didn’t also grow and change, we wouldn’t make it together. She wanted and deserved the peace and calm that I had found.

     So what did she do? She found a girl (a recovered addict, in fact) and went through the exact same Twelve Step spiritual process that I did. And yes, anybody can take Steps. The only word that you really have to change is ‘alcohol’ in the 1st Step. Substitute it with any number of things. Parents and spouses and codependents can be powerless over the addict, over his or her addiction, over their own feelings of anger, resentment or depression, over themselves, or over their lives. Anybody’s life can become unmanageable, meaningless or spiritually sick… and therefore we can all take Steps. Even if you just write a 4th Step inventory, or just begin to pray and meditate. These spiritual principles and tools can benefit anyone, not just demented addicts. Trust me, you will see changes inside yourself and in your outer life as well if you harness these simple tools.

God, please help parents, spouses and codependents also find their way to the Steps and to You… 

Families & Codependency

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     Families don’t need to suffer…

     Families and spouses can become spiritually ill and go somewhat insane themselves, just as the addict. Let’s face it, if you live with a crazy person, chances are you will go sort of crazy yourself. An addict’s negative energy permeates all who surround him. If and when the addict gets better, spouses and family members are suddenly slammed with the pile of crap inside of them that had built up and was perhaps ignored by necessity. They begin to suffer greatly and wonder why.

     Why do I feel more awful now that he or she has gotten well? I should feel better now… but I feel worse!

     Our addiction is their bridge to insanity. The addiction of another can become a necessary preoccupation from their own worsening mental sickness, anxiety or depression. In a strange, almost pain-dependent way, families remain in a comfort zone of their own by trying to control, fix, manipulate, instigate, antagonize… all things a healthy person would recoil from. But for codependents, addiction provides them with a strange relief by enabling them to constantly deflect their own pain, self-responsibility, character flaws, or dependency issues. This is why most couples break up after the addict gets better. If one person gets better and the other does not, there isn’t much of a happy future ahead. Also, the sober addict is often nothing like the way he or she used to be. His or her spouse might wake up and realize,

     Wait a minute, I’m not sure I even like this person! Sure they were an asshole when actively drinking, but it was that old personality I fell in love with, not this new one.  
     Regardless of what happens, once an addict achieves health and sanity, many family members and loved ones cannot help but realize how much pain they are in. Therefore, parents and spouses usually need the same thing addicts do – for the hole inside them to be filled. It does not seem fair, and the truth is, it’s not. But it’s reality. Codependents have always had us addicts to distract them and to blame. If we suddenly get better, there is no more distraction and nothing more to blame. Everything inside that the codependent has neatly tucked away now stares them right in the face. Time to take some action.

     I strongly suggest that any spouses, parents, close relatives or friends who are suffering, even long after the addict has recovered, go out and embark on a rigorous Twelve Step process. It may save them as well. To note, they can follow the exact same Big Book Twelve Step directions that we do. All they need is to find a recovered sponsor or an al-anon sponsor who has taken these Steps and recovered.

    Ultimately, the only thing you can really do to change anything is to let go of the addict and go heal yourself.

God, please give our families and spouses the willingness and power to heal and grow…

Parents & Spouses Take Steps

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     Seven years ago, I got to escape to my cozy little treatment center to rest and recover, to nourish myself and feel better. I got to eat well, heal myself and focus on my spirit. I got to run away from the world all over again while my wife was left to deal with the bills, rent, insane phone calls from drug dealers… and a mountain of heartache. As my insanity washed away, her’s sunk in. While she was preoccupied with my lunacy, a well of pain and resentment had built up inside her. She knew she had to do something, so she became willing, and then took Steps, just as I.

     What my wife did took untold courage. She could have said,

     “To hell with this, why do I have to get better? You’re the selfish piece of shit drug addict, and now I’m the one who has to change?! How fair is that? Screw it, I’m out of here!”

     But my wife knew she was hurting. And yes it’s my fault, but people in the addict’s life choose to respond in different ways. Someone else’s addiction can become an excuse to avoid one’s own unresolved pain or anger, a way to remain in the comfort zone of victimization, a way to set the standard lower for themselves. One way or the other, families do not have to go on suffering. There is a solution for them too. Spouses and families can also take Steps. Anyone can. 

     Sure the Twelve Steps were designed for the alcoholic and drug addict. The bottom line, however, is they are simple tools of action that enable any person to heal, grow and change. The absence of Self, in my opinion, is to the benefit of anyone, addict or non-addict.

     This process pushed both me and my wife to do some growing up, to become honest, and to get outside of ourselves a little bit in an effort to serve others. We are far, far from perfect but now have the tools to cultivate a more selfless attitude, which, if used, can open us to deeper love, tolerance, patience, and most importantly, some humility. The returns are well worth it. Most of all, we have some peace of mind. We see good things happen to those we love and to ourselves.

     Cause and effect: Positive actions, positive results. Negative actions, negative results. Universal.

God, please help all those who suffer find their way to the Steps and to You…

How Not to Help Addicts

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     Tell an addict what he wants to hear and you might as well sign his death warrant. In other words, the people who told me what I wanted to hear helped me the least. Conversely, the people who told me what I didn’t want to hear helped me the most. If you care about someone and want them to get better, do not let them steal from you anymore, whether it’s your time, energy, love, home, or money. The trick is to treat them for what they are. Treat them like an alcoholic, a drug addict, a criminal, a child, or a selfish jerk who causes you nothing but pain. Addicts, of course, cannot be stopped. But spouses, families and friends can help their cause by putting their feet down as much as possible.

     Do not shower addicts with love, affection, money, or any other “helpful” thing. Only by removing privileges will you have a chance to stop us. You must remove everything you possibly can from us, even your presence. Addicts will ride the train as long as they can. The only thing that might get them to stop, take a look at themselves, and perhaps even get some help is by taking things away from them. Take away all avenues to comfort. Take away all forms of monetary assistance. Call the cops on them if they are taking your jewelry to pawn for crack or heroin or pills or booze or weed (yup, weed too.) Take away their home and their food. Kick them out of your house and tell them you don’t want to see them until they are ready to get better.

     Addicts need to be humbled.

     It’s tough, especially for parents, to act counter-instinctually, but the sad truth is that by giving addicts love and support, you are killing them. Because, remember, all they want to do is use. All they want is to continue using the way they want and they will trick you to get what they want. They will act like your loving son or daughter and have dinner with you if it means you might throw them a 20. They will go hang out with you while you shop or even rake your lawn if it means you might throw them a 20 for some lie they have peddled… like that they just need it to go buy groceries or rent Disney’s Bambi for a night in. Don’t fall for it. Addicts are actors and frauds and phonies. Their comfort is all they care about in this world. Nothing else.

     So unfortunately, the people who love us the most usually help us the least. If you’re a parent or a spouse or a sibling or a friend, fight your instincts to enable us with everything you have and try to treat the addict in your life as you would treat some dirty addict on the street who you’ve never met.

See also: AA Sponsorship & The Privileged Addict: How Not To Help Addicts

God, please give strength to those who love us, and give them the power to treat us for what we are…