Monthly Archives: May 2012

Professor Masshole

Posted on by under Enemies = Teachers, Inventory

     Those we resent are actually our greatest teachers…

     As soon as I think that I’m finally okay, I’m not at all. About a month ago, I wrote a bunch of inventory, read it, meditated for half an hour, felt euphoric, and once again declared myself all better and at peace forever. So, of course, I’m right about everything for about a week or so… then some meathead in a tinted Charger cuts me off while racing down Beacon Street in Boston. When I honked, he slammed on his brakes and pulled over. As he and his girlfriend came into view, I was pretty sure they were on their way to a Jersey Shore audition. He yelled out of his window for me to get out of my car and fight him. Classic. Now, to note, we are in Massachusetts, so this is fairly standard behavior for one of my fellow Massholes. But, here was a great teacher as well. Instantly, I was no longer some peaceful, enlightened, reformed citizen, but had instead devolved into an enraged animal, screaming swears back at my new, spray-tanned friend. We didn’t fight, probably because I’m a coward, I’m afraid to get arrested and what my wife would think, and mostly because I’m afraid of what it would do to me spiritually… but I definitely fantasized about it in my head.

     This is exactly why we write inventory. First of all, it reminds us addicts that we’re still pretty much demented. Second, it reminds us that ALL resentments are born within and have absolutely nothing to do with any other person, place or thing outside of ourselves. The object of our resentment does not cause the resentment. Rather, I and I alone have caused the resentment. I own it. Sure, this meatball may have wronged me, but the resentment was caused by my reaction and response to it. 
     In writing inventory, I take my resentment and find my self-seeking in it, my selfishness in it, my dishonesty in it, and my fear in it. What did I find? Well, for one, I wanted to be seen as a tough guy. Now, to be sure, anytime we need for others to see us a certain way, we are seeking a self, and that is selfish in the sense that we need our self-esteem or ego to be fed by the way we look to others. Not good, trust me. Even if I’m seen that way (like a tough guy or something), it doesn’t really feed me at all. In fact, it takes from me. It makes me a phony. And usually the way we want to be seen is NOT the way we truly are. Being phony leads us to become more dishonest. And when we start lying to ourselves, we are doomed. 
     We get sick first. We relapse long before we actually get high. Watch for that. My sanity and my health are dependent on not letting myself get sicker in the head. And believe me, there are going to be plenty of people in the addict’s life trying to drive them crazy. Many of them are probably insane themselves. Some of them are actually clinical and beyond repair. So try not to bother with them. We can’t move backwards. Only forwards. Neutral isn’t good either. For alcoholics, there is a natural bias to move backwards when in neutral position.
     Back to the meatball inventory. So I wanted to be seen as a tough guy, which I’m not. I wanted meatball to act and drive the way I wanted him to, which is selfish. I wanted to shame him to feed my pride and ego. My dishonesty was in avoiding the truth that I often do the exact same thing, but it’s much easier just to resent the same behavior in others. And my fear… well, I fear jail and I fear moving backwards spiritually. So there you go, I caused this resentment with my own self-seeking, selfishness, dishonesty/projection, and finally with my own fear. I should go find this guy and thank him for giving me a reason to go write inventory. Professor Masshole is a great and wise teacher of mine. Poor thing will never know his contribution to my well-being.

God, show me that those I resent are my great teachers, and to respect them as such… 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

     Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is what the “experts” and the taxpayer-funded (immorally funded) addiction programs have to offer, besides doing skits, writing down triggers, or just sucking on Methadone wafers for the rest of your life.

     CBT – identify the faulty belief, change the thinking, then change the behavior. Ahhh, we’re talking about alcoholics and drug addicts here – pathological liars with twisted, deranged minds. So forget about the fact that most addicts cannot recover without spiritual help, CBT isn’t gonna cut it. After using for 15 years, my brain is so destroyed that I can’t possibly think straight. My sponsor said it one night at this old meeting we used to have.

     “If I can’t think my way into right action, then I have to act my way into right thinking.”

     Sometimes we’re so messed up that we just need to start taking right action and then the mind follows.

     I used to see this therapist in Boston. Totally useless. Good guy, though. I think he was reasonably genuine and wanted to help. All we did was talk.

     “Hmmm, so Charlie… why do you think you use? Maybe we should dig into this family stuff and that might tell us why.” 

     You gotta to be kidding me. Yeah, buddy, it’s my crazy family… that’s why I use. Newsflash: Nothing in our lives is responsible for making us use and becoming addicts. But I’m sure glad my poor Dad paid the guy every week because he gave me some top notch excuses to get hammered.

     Drug addicts are completely nuts and, by the way, nobody can help me unless they ARE me, unless they use the way I do, unless they feel the way I do, unless they just happened to be recovered and living a fulfilling life – unless I want what they have, so to speak. Therapists try and tell you what your problem is. Guess what? I already know what my f’ing problem is. The problem is that I have no idea what to do about it. I need a solution. I need tools. I need someone to lay out exactly what I need to DO to recover.

     But what do we do in therapy? We get the therapist to tell us what we want to hear. Now I can walk out of the office and justify my drug use. Yup, he told me I’m depressed and I’ve been abused and I have anxiety and bipolar 1 or 2, 2a or 3c, or some other ridiculous diagnosis… and that’s why I use. Let me help out the Docs a bit: the diagnosis is addiction. But instead they give us justifications and excuses.
   
     “Sorry I just stole a hundred bucks from your wallet and totalled your car on my way to see Pablo, Dad, but it wasn’t my fault, you see… It was the bipolar’s fault!”

     “Sorry I just called you a stupid bitch and slammed the door in your face so I could go get jammed out of my skull, honey, but you see, it’s really not my fault… it’s the horrible depression I have!”
     
     No, no, I got it… “It’s my parent’s fault!” Yup, that’s it. Perfect. “Those assholes!”
   
     Um, yeah, okay. As if I have the right to use because of somebody else. Bullshit. I made myself a drug addict. Nobody else. We should be fully accountable for our actions.
   
     Bottom line: I need a real solution and sorry but talking is not a solution. Besides, all alcoholics and addicts do anyway is talk. We just talk, talk, talk… haha, like me. Ridiculous.

God, please give me the power, strength and willingness to stop talking and take action…

Triggers Don’t Exist

Posted on by under Uncategorized

     Triggers? Ah, no.

     Conventional treatment programs and addiction “specialists” tell you to write down your triggers, as if there is some reason – some person, place or thing that makes us want to use. Nope. So, what makes us want to use? Um, let’s see… NOTHING. Or everything, if you prefer. The truth is that nothing makes us want to use. Once you turn yourself into an addict, that’s just what you do. You use. It’s a reflex. And even before we cross that line, nothing actually “triggers” us to use. The only trigger is called breathing.

     Oh, there’s painkillers in your cabinet? Huh, cool. I think I’ll swallow all of those, thank you very little… not like you really needed them or anything… definitely not more than I do.

     So the experts tell me that all I have to do to stay sober and, by implication, to then go and have a great life, is to avoid my triggers? Just avoid all of the people, places and things that make me want to use? Okay, by the way, if I have to avoid this street, that park, this store, that friend, this TV show, that asshole… then I basically can’t go anywhere. Locking ourselves up in a cage is not a solution. Sorry, but I’d rather be free. To be clear, I don’t recommend that you go hang out in a bar the second you leave detox. What I’m saying is that if triggers do exist for you (in you’re head), then you’re not okay. Avoiding everything that supposedly makes me feel like using is most certainly NOT a solution.

     Remove the obsession and there is no such thing as a trigger. It’s simple, though not easy, and it may require the power of God depending on how fucked you are.

     Addict’s will try to blame anything and anyone for the reason they have to go drink like a pig or get jammed out of their minds. Let me help out a little bit: Nothing makes us want or need to use. We use because we love using. We use because we love drinking and we love drugs. I use because I’m too much of a child and a coward to walk through normal human feelings of pain, boredom, discomfort or depression. I’m too much of a wimp to grow up and too much of a shithead to do some real work on myself. I am 100% driven by fear. Basically, I am a loser. I am dependent. I feel entitled. I falsely believe no one suffers like I do. I feel as though I have the right to drink and use even if doing so comes at the expense of others. Truly, we addicts are simply children who don’t want to grow up.

     I wrote in my book that in an effort to spare our families the deception, as well as any future friends, spouses or employers, “addicts should suck their thumbs so people can identify them.”

     And though the process of losing choice is indeed a choice, at some point we do cross over that invisible line, break our bodies, acquire this allergy, and once that occurs, every time we start using, we can’t stop. It’s that simple. Trust me, I didn’t drink and get high because of my family, my friends, the bully in school, my withdrawn, eccentric father, my anger, my depression, the nutjob babysitter who sang Puff the Magic Dragon like a broken record as her body odor permeated the entire house, the guys who jumped me in college, the clinically insane, borderline girlfriend who made me want to jam a sharp object into my skull… and the list goes on forever. No one makes us want to use.

     And the booze doesn’t crawl it’s way down our throats, nor does the dope fly through the air and force itself up our noses or inject itself into our veins.

     And yes, pot is a drug. If you’ve been told by some doctor that your kid is fine to just smoke pot and that it’s not addictive, call me when he needs a ride to detox. Not only does your doctor have no clue about drugs or understand addiction, but he doesn’t even understand science, which is supposedly his expertise.

     “It was right there in front of me! Anybody woulda’ done it! Mom, I just drove by my dealer’s house! It wasn’t my fault, my therapist said his house was one of my triggers! Mom, you don’t understand, if you only knew what it was like to be me, you’d be smoking crack too!” 

     Right. Good stuff.

God, help me to always remember that nothing makes me use other than myself…

Triggers

Posted on by under 1st Step, Relapse Prevention, Triggers

     Triggers? Ah, no.

     Conventional treatment programs and addiction “specialists” tell you to write down your triggers, as if there is some reason – some person, place or thing that makes us want to use. So, what makes us want to use? Um, let’s see, NOTHING. How about everything? The truth is that nothing makes us want to use. Once you turn yourself into an addict, that’s just what you do. You use. It’s a reflex. 

     Oh, there’s painkillers in your cabinet? Huh. I think I’ll swallow all of those, thank you very little… not like you really needed them or anything… definitely not more than I do.

     So the experts tell me that all I have to do to stay sober and, by implication, to then go and have a great life, is to avoid my triggers. Just avoid all of the people, places and things that make me want to use. Okay, by the way, if I have to avoid this street, that park, this store, that friend, this TV show, that asshole… then I basically can’t go anywhere. Sorry, but I’d rather be free. To be clear, I don’t recommend that you go hang out in a bar the second you leave detox. What I’m saying is that if triggers do exist for you, than you’re not okay. Avoiding everything that makes me feel like using in NOT a solution.

     Remove the obsession and there is no such thing as a trigger. It’s not easy, and it will require the power of God, most likely. 

     Addict’s will try to blame anything and everyone for the reason they have to drink like pigs or get jammed out of their fucking minds. Let me help out a little bit: Nothing makes us want or need to use. We use because we love using. We use because we love drinking and we love drugs. I use because I’m too much of a child and a coward to walk through my feelings of pain, boredom, discomfort or depression. I’m too much of a wimp and a shithead to grow up and maybe do some real work on myself. I’m too much of a fear-driven loser to change. Truly, we addicts are simply babies who don’t want to grow up.

     I’ll take a line from my book – Addicts should suck their thumbs so people can identify them.

     At some point we cross over that invisible line, break our bodies, acquire this allergy, and once that occurs, every time we start using, we can’t stop. It’s that simple. Trust me, I don’t drink and get high because of my family, my friends, my anger, my depression, the nutjob babysitter who bathed me in an inch of cold water and sang Puff the Magic Dragon with her b.o.-ridden boyfriend, my alcoholic and withdrawn father, the guys who jumped me in college, the borderline girlfriend who made me want to stab my eyeball with a sharp object… and the list goes on forever. No one makes us want to use. And the dope doesn’t fly through the air and force itself up my nose. That’s a good one – It was right there in front of me! Anybody woulda’ done it!

God, help me to always remember that nothing makes me use other than myself…

Rebirth

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

     28 years of chronic addiction and mind-blowing depressions… and then my life began. But it was different this time. Something had cracked open in my mind. The world suddenly went from narrow and small to open and limitless, as my consciousness expanded. A new dimension took form and I began to see and feel life in a totally different way. With fear gone, I felt what real Power was. I finally understood what all those successful people who write books meant about how anything is possible. Whether you think it’s God or whether you choose not to give credit where credit is due, I suppose it’s more important to just live by spiritual principles… except that you lose the humility when you take God out of the equation. And, of course, arrogance isn’t very attractive. I should know based on the way people used to react to me.
   
      But there is such a thing as a sudden and fundamental shift, an entire psychic change, a profound and cathartic spiritual experience. On a moonlit night, in a small room up North, and in a single instant, I was forever changed. I remember just having read 12 hours of my written 4th Step inventory. I felt nothing. Then I took a 6th Step – a one-hour meditation. I stood up, closed my eyes, breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. I began to review all of the destructive and flawed patterns that I discovered about myself.

     Given that I’ve been selfish and self-seeking, wanting and needing to  be seen as strong, secure, smart, beautiful, heroic, tough, normal… Given that I’ve always wanted to remain in my comfort zone, hell bent on protecting my pride, ego, self-esteem… Given that I have failed to see how I affected others, or even (gulp) cared… Given that I do the very things I resent in others like being fake, arrogant, self-absorbed… Given that I’ve been scared to grow up, unwilling to change and push through the hard times and awful feelings…

     I reached out from within and humbly asked God to remove every single defect of character… and to replace them with Love. Every cell in my body knew it was time to stop meditating, get down on my knees, and recite the 7th Step prayer. The very second I finished uttering the prayer, I briefly lost control of my emotions, simultaneously laughing and crying.

     Holy shit, it worked!

     Suddenly a mind-bowing Power, the Power of God, came surging through the top of my head, rushing through me for some time. Instantly, I had full control of my mind. I could choose not to think, to keep my mind empty. I knew with certainty that fear was a self-created illusion. And just like that, my fear was removed. From that point on, I’ve been recovered and I will be forever, so long as I continue to put my spiritual growth above all else. I had a profound sense of peace and knew that anything was possible. I saw and felt, and thus knew and learned what the power of God was, and that spiritual rebirth is a fact.

     To note, I often talk to people in AA who say they’ve been working on the 6th Step or some other Step for a year… or other people who say they did the 4th Step in their heads… and yet others who say they’re doing the Steps for a second or third time because their sponsor told them to. Sorry, but this makes no sense. The Twelve Steps are ONE thing. They are written in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which gives us very specific instructions on how to take them. The 6th Step does not go on for a year. It is a one-hour meditation. The 4th Step isn’t on some poster in an AA meeting. It is a life inventory of resentments, fears and sexual conduct, to be written in specific column format. And the only Steps we take over and over again are the 10th, 11th and 12th. If the Steps work and our obsession is removed, there is no need to do the Twelve Steps over again. We only embark on the full process in the event of a relapse.

     So if your sponsor doesn’t have anything you want, if he doesn’t possess the kind of internal qualities you seek for yourself, if he tells you to do things he has never done, if he struggles to stay sober and drags you to three meetings a day… then he may end up facilitating your death, not your recovery. Trust me, listening to some of the clowns out there might actually kill you. Don’t be fooled by quasi, watered-down AA.

God, teach me that you love me…