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HAND OF GOD
The Privileged Addict, Copyright 2012
It was the middle of a moonlit night in the chapel up North. My body told me when I was finished meditating. I sat down for a few minutes. A feeling of certainty calmed me. I was ready. I knelt down on my knees and opened up the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to page 76 and read the 7th Step prayer out loud.
“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.” Alcoholics Anonymous, 76.
As I finished reading the prayer, an unexplainable miracle occurred. The instant I was done, something rushed through my body. Something wonderful. I laughed and cried simultaneously. It was strange. Some force immediately took over my body and mind, controlling me for some time. Then a volcanic feeling of relief and rapture pervaded my entire being. I remember thinking, Holy shit. It worked! I felt it in every cell.
I stood up and walked into the main room. I felt as light as air. From somewhere up in the Universe came a rush of energy. At first it was a surge… then a steady flow of God rushed through me, entering through the top of my head and flowing down through my feet and back out. I was emptied out. My mind was clear for the first time in my entire life. Totally, utterly, empty.
Then a second miracle occurred. I suddenly had full control over my mind. I could choose to think or not to think, but I had the choice. It was pure and absolute freedom. A telephone line had been activated between me and God, and in that moment I knew with certainty that I could tap into this Universal Power at any time. I realized that I had just tapped into Power.
Then a third miracle occurred as I experienced a total absence of fear. All fear just gone. It was unbelievable. Deep inside, I knew I would be okay from that point on. There was nothing fear could ever again stop me from doing. There was no problem anymore. Something had shifted. For the next several days, I entered a prolonged state of calm and inner peace. I was reborn. Since those moments up North, I’ve felt exponentially better than I ever did high on drugs or alcohol.
What occurred that night was an intense spiritual experience. The mental obsession was lifted from my broken mind. Before, my shoulders were hunched over from the heavy load of resentments and grief that I carried around with me. But suddenly, I stood straight up, shoulders cocked backed, eyes and face aglow. A limitless and mind-blowing power brushed me for a brief moment. And so I was restored to sanity.
I was touched by the hand of God that night and it was no hallucination. No human thing is responsible for what I felt, for what flowed into me, for what changed me. I refuse to take any responsibility for what happened and I am so grateful and humbled by that. From then on, I have been willing to do anything it takes to get better, to stay better, and to grow spiritually.
I walked out of the chapel and entered what felt like a different realm. Fog hovered over the grass, deflecting beams of light in every direction. Everything was vibrant. The earth was breathing. I was alive. Away I went to fall sound asleep.
In the morning, something was fundamentally different. I needed less and didn’t think about myself as much. I wanted to help others and be useful. I wanted other people to have what I had.
People noticed what happened. No one could ignore it. The change in the way I looked and in my mental state and attitude could not be mistaken. And it happened to all of us who sought out a spiritual experience. We were taken over and glowing from Spirit within. Truly amazing.” – The Privileged Addict, pp.139-141
Thank you all for reading. I am so grateful. May God bless you and comfort you…
I'm sad and embarrassed to say, my daughter has relapsed after 2 years.
Dear Charlie, thank you for everything you have shared with us readers, you sure have inspired me, with the help of God, to gather the strenght to rebuild my life, with the steps and right action – the moral compass. Courage, honesty, God first then the others. Anne from Canada, recovering codependant. May God always be with you and I hope to read you again. Loved your books…
Hi Charlie. Great blog! The best. I totally agree with your philosophy about recovery and I am living proof that the original AA program using the wisdom and experience of the Big Book to create a spiritual transformation is exactly how I have stayed sober for 22 years. Yep. I didn't drink (or use), and so far I haven't died. ; )
I stumbled upon this blog with the search term for “selfish alcoholic.” Which is redundant. haha. Anyway, one quick question: You write in the section of spouse/children of drunks that they don't listen to their loved ones, but may listen to a fellow drunk.
I have become very close to (or as close as he'll let me) a drunk friend with whom I am working on a serious project. I've told him the truth about what he's doing to himself, very matter-of-fact. I don't sugar coat it. I've had to suspend our working arrangment several times over the past two years due to his unreliability. I warn him I am hip to his tricks. I don't think he really believes I was a drunk once upon a time, but I do have real credibility. I can describe exactly how he thinks and feels. It creeps him out! Recently, he flaked out after I warned him he had no more chances with me, and that I'd finish the work without him. I've stuck to my guns and haven't caved. He's not a spouse or boyfriend, but the partnership is very important to me. He doesn't appear to want to quit drinking – for me, for his kid, or for himself. I think I'll have to surrender.
I can't remember what it was like to self-sabotage. It's been so long. Any advice? Thanks!
Never mind. I just read another article http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-does-one-love-from-distance.html that addresses this exact dilemma.
I have to do tough love now. It's been 2 years, and I learned a lot from this relationship about my own recovery and the desire to help, to transform someone. Not gonna happen. If it does, as you say, it was meant to be. Regardless, I need to bail, since my serenity and joy is being compromised by giving this guy attention and acceptance. Yes, I accept him, but I don't have to subject myself to the insanity.
We were destined to meet. Now? Who knows what will happen. I know I'm still ok and plan to stay that way.
Hi Charlie, I have read all of your books, I check your blog daily. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your writing. I am a parent of an addict/alcoholic and your words give me power to deliver message to her. Recovery is possible, relapse won't happen when someone is recovered. God helps everybody, addict or not.
Praying hard for her today. Thank you for reading and coming here to share courageously.
Dear Anne, God bless you. Thank you so much for writing and reading. It lifts me up to know this has provided even some minimal use. I am grateful for you and will continue to pray and write.
Loretta, you're the best. Thank you for finding me and reaching out. That is AWESOME about your spiritual transformation and continued growth. And yeah, imagine that we can be here sober and not die? Lol. You have made my point for me. Beautifully said. Glad you found a useful post regarding your question 😉 God bless you.
Bless you. I can't thank you enough for reaching out and writing me, nor can I express how much it means to me that you have read the books and enjoy the blog. I am so entirely grateful.
Recovery is indeed possible for any addict on the planet and it's really simple – not easy but simple. Are we willing to change and to go to any lengths to do so? Are we willing to put our spiritual growth before drugs and alcohol? Are we willing to put God first?
The addict who wants to get better will do what is necessary to get better, and how blessed we are to have a specific set of directions to follow in order to do so. You are exactly right. There is no such thing as 'can't get better'. There is only 'won't get better.' The people who do not recover are simply those who do not want to change.
Thanks for replying, Charlie. I bought your book on Amazon and read it in two sittings. It was great. I highly recommend it to everyone here who finds this blog.
I, too, was lucky (chosen!) to find a really strong group of fundamental AA folks who didn't coddle me with cafeteria-style recovery, so I could relate very well to your experience.
I took away many profound ideas from your story, but the one thing that helped me immediately was your tenet that addicts do things to make them comfortable – that they are averse to discomfort of any kind. That really hit home with the situation I am in with my drunkard friend. Boy, does he hate discomfort. Me? I can handle all emotions, easy and hard…it's just great to have them.
Keep up the good work.
Unsolicited advice: Friends cant help the drunk/addict. Family can't help the drunk/addict.
ONLY a STRANGER recovered in a 12 step program can help guide the addict to their Higher Power by working the steps. That's it.
Family and friends can only help themselves.
The only real help the family or a friend can offer is to tell the addict they love them but have to end the relationship. The family can dump the addict into a detox and tell them hope you get sober then go to a halfway house then get a job then live your life- but don't call me looking for anything.