Tag Archives: God

Touched By God

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

      In an instant, I was changed forever. As I finished reading twelve hours of inventory, I got down on my knees and recited a prayer from the Big Book. The moment I finished, I laughed and cried simultaneously. In that instant, something from outside of my body hit me like a lightening bolt.

     It was mind-numbing in its power. It was unfathomable and indescribable and totally unreachable. It was limitless and unprecedented and capable of anything. In every sense, it was beyond the scope of human understanding and conception. It was pure freedom and pure emptiness and pure love. It flowed through me for a brief time. My mind was suddenly reset and there were no thoughts. All of my fear vanished, and I knew that I was okay and that anything was possible.

     It was then I realized that there exists a power so beyond our realm of comprehension that it’s pointless to even discuss. I realized that GOD must be this mind-blowing power that is so boundless and so beautiful. One brief zap and my entire being was instantly and profoundly changed forever.

     From that moment on, nothing has been unbearable. From that moment on, I’ve naturally repelled all people, places and things that are destructive. From that moment on, I have lived without fear and jealousy. How is that possible? How could I have felt such a mind-bending power touch me, flow through me, and leave me forever changed? Can that be explained via scientific theory? Nope.

     I now know that God-power does exist and that It is well beyond the scope of the human mind. For all of our man-made religions, rituals, codes and creeds, we can’t even get close to it. The capacity of God-power is even beyond description. And the fullness of God will never be clear in our conscious. The only thing we can do is to take actions that may bring us closer to Him. And perhaps a miracle will occur and It will touch us. I sure didn’t deserve for It to touch me but it did. And so I pass this experience onto other alcoholics, addicts, or anyone else who suffers. There is a real solution. There is a way out, but it lies in the spiritual realm. Are you ready for that?

God, please remove my defects of character and replace them with love…

Building God vs God Building

Posted on by under AA, Church, God, Humility

     Not that it really matters, but the truth is that I feel the presence of God less in a building and more when I’m looking at the ocean, or walking in the woods, or watching a sunset. I feel It when I’m playing music or writing. And I especially feel It when I’m helping another addict or speaking to a room full of addicts. I feel It when I’m praying or meditating. I feel It when I’m taking action.

     But we don’t need to worry too much about the whole God thing. AA wants us to build our own conception of God, regardless of how simple it may be, although… if your sponsor tells you to use the coffee pot for a Higher Power, you might have some problems.

     The point is to get underneath. The point is realizing that we are not the most powerful force in our lives. The point is understanding that there is something far greater than us, something limitless in its power and capable of anything. If we are chained by addiction, it is important to stop believing in ourselves only. Chances are that hopeless alcoholics and junkies cannot recover without this inner change in attitude. Changing our understanding of what power is and where it comes from is humbling, and anything that humbles us is good for us.

God, please bring us closer to You and give us the strength and power to take spiritual action everyday… not just on Sunday.

Buzz Kill

Posted on by under God, Steps = Buzz Kill

     Once we get involved in the Steps, we are forever changed. Even if we relapse, our buzz is never the same. Taking steps is the number one buzz killer if you ever relapse after embarking on the Steps earnestly. At that point, we are screwed. We can’t get high anymore but we also aren’t better. We end up suffering tremendously, like an idiot stuck in purgatory.

     So we have two choices…

     Keep drinking or using even though it’s no fun anymore, and hopefully we will finally die. Or two, start all over with the Step process, but the second time it’s much harder and we don’t have the euphoria we felt when we entered this mystical realm for the first time. The second time requires that we do the Steps while perhaps suffering all the way through them. Of course, this is all the better for anyone who relapses, because doing this work while suffering makes our foundation stronger and thicker.

     To note, this wasn’t the case with me. God touches us is different ways. For some, it is sudden. For some, it is gradual. For some, it comes after we fall a few more times. And for still some, it doesn’t come at all. Don’t ask me why… that’s just the way it is.

God, remind us that we need to put You first above all else if we are to remain free inside…

Anger

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

     Anger is a lack of purpose…

     Some punk kid called me a prick the other day after wrecking one of our apartment doors, so I pretty much lost it. The best is that I didn’t react at first, but upon further reflection, or rather lack thereof, I let him have it. I just couldn’t let it go.

     Anger is a code word, like depression. Underneath depression is anger. Underneath anger is grief, and underneath grief is spiritual imbalance. Spiritual illness often results from a lack of purpose. If I’m on the wrong path, I am spiritually ill. If I’m on a path that doesn’t serve anyone, I am spiritually ill. And if I have found the right path of service but stop serving for a while, I become spiritually ill.

     Conversely, when I am giving of myself, I don’t get angry. When I am working with others, I don’t get angry. When I am speaking, writing, meditating and praying, I don’t get angry. When I am constantly taking actions that bring me closer to God, I don’t get angry.

     We addicts should never retreat from life, from others, from reaching out. We should never isolate and become consumed by self. Service is by far the greatest gift we have been given.

God, help me to let go of my anger, fear, resentment and self-loathing…

Suspending Disbelief

Posted on by under http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008/kind#post

     Someone came to me recently about a problem they had with the spiritual element of the AA program. I say spiritual and not religious, as religious implies adherence to a specific doctrine or creed filled with codes and rituals. AA does not wish to force feed anybody religious doctrine. It does however question whether a chronic and hopeless alcoholic can quit upon a non-spiritual basis. If that be the case, we must then be at least willing to accept that there is something Greater than us that can solve our problem. We must turn to God.
     
     But if we are athiest or are particularly stubborn or proud, we may have to temporarily suspend our disbelief in order to open that door. So we simply take all of our beliefs and attitudes and carefully move them aside. While they are temporarily suspended, we embark on the Twelve Steps and see what happens. Chances are that if we are thorough and fearless with our Step work, something happens to us along the way and we suddenly find it easy to accept spiritual concepts and the existence of God, of spiritual Power.
     
     Whether we call it God or Higher Power or Buddha or Tao or Yahweh makes little difference. All that we addicts need in order to recover is a simple willingess to accept the presence of God or God-Power. Right then and there can we begin to rely on this great and limitless power to guide us through our once chaotic lives. We can stop and pray and listen. We can use this power to help us do things that we previously could not do on our own. 
     
     I was in shock and awe at all the things that I could suddenly and quite easily achieve once I let go of my arrogance (arrogance regarding admitting defeat) and self-will, once I got underneath something and began to give credit where credit was due. Once I realized that the power of God was solely responsible for fixing me and was solely responsible for my ability to do right and achieve success, I was well on my way. All good things that have come to me are from God and are God. And all the power I now have to achieve something or to be a good person is given from God and is God. 

     And by the way, I’m still an obstinate bastard with a shitload of character defects… so nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

     God, help me to expel the poison within so that I may be filled up with Your power…

Taking Credit

Posted on by under Arrogance, God, Humility, Taking Credit

     Who really gets us better?

     I pretty much figured that if I was going to recover, it was ME that was going to do it. Arrogance. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the idea that something else could fix me, especially something intangible and other-worldly. Enslaved by my ego, I became saturated with pride and self-love. I could only conceive of my own power. I’m the only one who can fix or change myself. I accomplish everything because I’m Charlie f’ing Peabody! 

     Addicts love to take credit for every good thing that happens to them, for every accomplishment no matter how minute. They simply can’t handle the possibility or even the idea that something else may be responsible for what they have achieved or what they have been blessed with. If they land a great job, it’s all them. If they make a bunch of money, it’s all them. If they meet a loving, loyal spouse, it’s all them. If they are showered with good friends and abundance, then yup, it’s all because of them. They create everything… unless it’s something negative. Then it’s suddenly someone else’s fault. This is the sad result of our narrow mind and pathological self-centeredness. We’ve become too small and too dumb to see greater powers at work. We need others to see what we can accomplish, how brilliant and talented we are.

     The sheer comedy of all this is that doing things my way, my genius way, landed me in a locked detox/psychiatric ward with my ass hanging out of a hospital johnny. So after failing repeatedly to control, shape and mold my life, desperately trying to exert my will, it was such a great RELIEF to just let go and rely on something other than my fucked up head to guide me through life. When I stopped trying to get myself better, that’s the moment I began to really change.

     So I don’t take credit for what changed me, for what removed the obsession to drink and use drugs. I don’t take credit for the things I’ve accomplished since I got sober. I don’t take credit for all of the miracles and blessings in my life. I don’t look around to see my wonderful life now and think, Wow, look what I did! I’m so the man! I’m so amazing and talented and strong! I can conquer anything! 

     You know who is strong? GOD.

     To note, I don’t really help the sponsees who happen to come my way. If someone gets better because of the work they’ve done as a result of my sponsorship, then all I did was arrange the meeting and it was God and God alone who fixed this person. I had nothing to do with it. So if you’re an addict and you are tempted to tap yourself on the back for something you just did, try not to. Chances are you didn’t have too much to do with it.

God, everything good that I do and that I have is from You and is You…