Sadly, people who find this blog often type in the search phrase, ‘why do alcoholics hurt us?‘, which results in an older post I wrote about why drinking is selfish. I renamed that post, Selfish No Matter What, and hopefully this one will come up instead.
First, let me tell you that it’s not because of you. You are not the reason. There is no person, place or thing to blame. We have only ourselves to blame for our selfish actions.
Alcoholics and addicts hurts others because their addiction comes first before everything. And if our addiction is our very top priority, then we will do anything it takes to use the way we want, even if that means lying to you, stealing from you, manipulating you, deceiving you, abusing you, hurting you and breaking your heart.
Many of us probably don’t want to hurt you at all, but if we are addicts, our addiction comes first, and that means nothing and nobody will get in the way of us drinking and using to our little hearts’ content.
The truth is that you will never come first, because even if we recover, we will have to put our spiritual health above all else. But don’t worry, because if an addict actually puts spiritual growth above all else, then our relationships and every other facet of our lives will end up in the best possible condition. For us, if our relationship with God becomes second to anything, we will lose everything anyway… and then nobody will get what they want. It’s all or none for us. We can’t worship anything worldly or we will become sick and eventually relapse.
We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones. We hurt others because we are pathetic, whiny children who have no clue that life is not about us feeling good all of the time. We hurt others because our minds have become twisted and warped from drinking and using so much that we cannot even see that we are hurting you. We have become deranged and delusional, only believing what we need to tell ourselves to keep our habit going uninterrupted. We hurt you because we have begun lying to ourselves, and when we lie to ourselves, we don’t know if what we’re doing is up or down, left or right, right or wrong, real or unreal. We have broken our minds and therefore we are insane. Insane people don’t know what they’re doing. They only do what they think they need to do to maintain the phony existence they are living.
So my advice to my fellow addicts is to realize that you are fake, and then grow up and go get better. Get better because you have given up the right to drink and use drugs. Get better up because you don’t deserve to focus on making yourself feel more comfortable 24/7. Get better because it is the right thing to do. Get better because you owe it to everybody in your life… and you owe it to the entire world. Contrary to what you might believe, the world owes you nothing, so get better because the only other option is to die a miserable death, and spiritually speaking, you don’t want to do that and wind up in some awful place, or wind up coming back to learn the same lessons you were too much of a coward to learn this time around.
God, please show me how much I have hurt others…
This is a great post Charlie.
OMGoodness! Thank you so much for t his. IMy daughter-in-law is an alcoholic with 2 small children 7 and 8. The 8 year old has an eating disorder. He is refusing to eat. I don't know how to help him. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you Charlie for telling it straight to those who love an alcoholic. Many sights fluff the response by using the “its a disease” statement which we know but didn't explain it to us. Actually, I am tired of the “disease” statement. Alccoholics put their family & friends through hell for many years then when they do stop drinking/or drugs & say a remark like, “I've been sober for 9 months & 22 days” they get applause from the company around them. Screw that. The ones that deserve the applase are the ones who went through the hell mentally, financially &physically for years in dealing or trying to help them.
Thank you Charlie for telling it like it is!
Thanks, I needed a good look in the mirror.
This helped me so much! I have put up with an addict for far too long. Thank you, Charlie!
Preach it! So true everything you just wrote. Where is the applause for the people who survived the narcissistic BS?!
Thank you. I started dating an alcoholic about a month ago. He obly talkks about his sex life with his wives and countless girlfriends. I just listen. Everything revovles around me getting him to the nearest store for beer. He lives in another town and has no vehicle. He was so drunk today as he called me walking to the bar he did not remember it was my birthday. He sure didnt call back. He wont remember. He never remembers anything but his past life. Not interested in me my life nothing. Am I this freaking needy?? God help me!
You are so right. Ive only been seeing an alcoholic for a month. Im nearly 60. I did not know until the first week he even drank. He drinks at least a case a day. He is so selfish. Life is all about him! Him!! You are so right on with your reply!
Married to an alcoholic man for many years. For the first 20 years, it was a decent life. Then gradually things started getting ugly. Always criticizing, calling everyone selfish, and being mean – in a bipolar sort of way. Some of the things he has done have been insane. It has been a tough 5 years dealing with the things said and done, and being made to feel like I am worthless. I know he is not capable of real feelings for me anymore and that is hard, the loss of that.
I met the man I loved in 2006 and he seemed fine, drank but not excessively. I did not see him again until 2012 when we got together and he was still okay but drinking more and more. I knew there was something wrong but I still fell in love with him. He was the sweetest kindest gentleman I had ever met. He said and did a few things, like ignoring me, giving cold shoulder. We stayed in touch for a year and I found out he had been in hospital with hep c (alcohol related). I came across to Canada to be near him and we got together and had fun but although I was intimate and showed him affection, he did not or could not return this. I told him I loved him in August 2013 and he told me I was crazy and to f/off and get out of his life. I kept trying as I did not want to give up on him but he called me names and told me to go home. I was devestated, hurt and thought he hated me. I thought if I gave him time/space we could work things out, but he died of alcoholic liver disease/cirhossis in March 2014. This past couple of years has been tough but this past few months more so as all my hope as gone. I know now I will never see him again and will never know if he hated me in the end or whether he pushed me away because of the drinking. His close friend told me afterwards that Brian had loved having me in his life, he just did not know how to show it. He did not believe a man showed affection. He said I should think of the good times, that Brian rarely let anyone get close/into his life and he did with me so to think of that. He always came across as being selfish/self centered and I never knew if he cared about me or not and this tears me apart. I love him, despite everything and can't imagine loving anybody else.
You need to get away from him ASAP !! Especially if you think you could love him. It is emotional torture to be in love with an alcoholic. I have been divorced from one for ten years, and still not over it. Good luck to you, and many prayers.
Hi I am an Enabler. My hubby of 26 years and 2 children. Always thought if I not made such a big deal of his drinking no one else would notice. So when hubby needed me to go get something or pick him up I did. Years went on and he would stop for periods of time and it only took one old good buddy to say hey one drink won't hurt ya and that lead to 2 to 12 soon he was back drinking full force. He was ready but his body was taking a toal he found out he had Hep C in the 90's but he was indespencible he thought. Well hubby had a massive heart attack while in ICU all his organs were shutting down due to meds to hard on the liver. Comes to find out hubby has Cirrohsis of liver. Never had any bed ridden symptoms cause usually once you do have symptoms its pretty severe. My hubby is like a cat with 9 lives. There are many times where he should not be here today but the good Lord still has a plan for my man. He left the hospital 7 days later. Doctors were amazed of his progress and went home to stay sober for about 6 months. One night driving home an unbenonced to me he was drinking again and since his heart attack was put on 8 different meds flipped his truck into a pond off the side of the road. His truck went front bumper over back bumper crushed in the roof and submerged into the water. Hubby tried to get out of his truck and drivers door was jammed. The water was filing up truck cab, hubby's seatbelt was hard to release but final swam to back seat and got out back door swimming to surface. How crazy. It took 8 hours to get his truck out of the pond and it was totaled after staying in water so long. It has been a learning experience of the loss of family he would loose and material objects such as his truck. To this day hubby hasn't drank. It has been 2 1/2 years now and pretty much every night after the accident hubby had nightmares of drowning which scared the living crap out of him. An alcoholic has to want to stop drinking. I always thought maybe I could change his mind but it only lasted for a while and they go right back even stronger drinking than before. I am 27 years in on our marriage and I think the alcohol got the best of my hubby now I have a fragile older man who just didn't get why alcohol is killing his body off. The damage is done so he just has to not pick up another drink of alcohol and hopefully he will extend his years alittle bit. Good luck out there caregivers.
Use the word “hubby” one more time and I will drink for him. Have you considered the fact that he might be a bit smarter than you and by referring to him as “hubby” in daily language he might actually want to kill himself?
The only answer seems to be walk away. I have been with an alcoholic since May 2013 and no one tells the truth and no one cares. Not the dog and pony lawyers, his Mom or family. He will made us homeless and was on the road to do it again till I stopped the trainwreck. Nothing anyone told me would stop me loving him until I realized it is him. It is his hate, his meanness, and selfish ways….it is who he is. I am finally pushing him out. I have grown to hate him. So what should you do? Put on your iron shield and get a hard heart and walk away. They do not change ever.
Speak for yourself. Addicts are individuals like any other variety of human being-not ghouls riddled with character defects. Try lightening up on yourself, and stop painting others with broad brush strokes.
Hello, Just reading these comments some come to this site to get some support. What I am reading is that there is a lot of unhappy words written. One thing about going through a situation is hopefully we can come out of it with some reassurance things will be better in the long haul. Caring for your loved one can be difficult because yes you can be the punching bag, but also the person who has the addiction needs help and reassurance. They will only change when it is right for them. They will at first try to change for you but if they are not dedicated to change they will thrive to the addiction again. If you need to leave for yourself to survive then leave but if you can live for today and assist with your love one they will want to change for the better. There has to be some reason they are addicting in the first place chemical imbalance triggers so if they have the will to change they will do so. Having happy and positive people around them will help.
Happy and positive people….no way in my house! My husband has driven every happy and positive thought out of his life. He has been an alcoholic for 40 years! It has been hell living w/this man.
He is selfish, insulting, abusive, combative, argumentative and down right cruel! Our children grew up listening to him screaming, ruining meals, doors slamming, ruined vacations…and on and on. They are grown and gone now, but Im sure they have so many bad memories…it will haunt them growing up w/this man for the rest of their lives. The bottom line is he loves beer more than friends, family, and even his own life.
His fault…not mine! I could leave, but he would only die alone, and what purpose would that serve. I've been here for 40 years,
might as well stay the course.
Yes, addicts are human beings who choose the path of misery, to feed their own demon and become slave of it. They run and hide in their own dark cave – addiction – whenever they face any kind of challenges. No one ever has taught me the word 'dignity', I have found it. I could have so many reasons to desert myself. An orphan, a homeless, an abused child verbally and physically, I had no other choice but to be strong, It was my dignity.
And I became a healer. I chose this path.
You need to grow up and look at the sky not a tiny bathroom window. This is my advice.
There is a facebook group if your interested. If yiu type Alcoholic family support.. thats there page that will direct u to their group. Its lovely in there.. alot of support and advice
Ive seen both sides of the fence.. ive been an addict but now sober 10 yrs. Now the boot is on the other foot my husband is an addict but in recovery. He no longer lives with my daughter and i. You know, it is difficult at times but ive changed and have also looked at wot part i took in his downfall.. oh yes his choice but i didnt exactly help matters sometimes. Unfirtunately when we learn that we are only responsible for ourselves and can only control ourselves and not expect anything and think positively things do change. We spend so much time mothering the alcoholic or addict in our lives that we forget about ourselves. We are important too and we have to do wot makes us happy.
Do Not, and I repeat DO NOT ever get involved with an alcoholic. The person they once were no longer exists. They will only bring sadness, heart break and depression into your life. There are lots of nice addiction free people out there and thats who we should be having relationships with.
You are exactly right they don't change I was married to an alcoholic for ten years best thing I done was got rid there manipulating nasty selfish and abusive and all they care about is themselves they use people make out they love you because a alcoholic always needs someone in there life so they will marry you just to feel safe so yeah I feel for you walk away it won't get better .
I helped get a co-worker a really good job at a company that was his dream job. It also paid about 10x more than this man had ever made. For the first few months, he did very well. He then started showing up with liquor on his breath and then started to disappear
for long periods of time during the day. Everybody really liked him and didn't want to think he was really out drinking during work hours.
Then he started pulling “no shows” having varying excuses. Finally, he disappeared for a week with no communication, and they had to let him go. He had taken off with some other addicts and just wanted to have a good time. It was heart breaking for everybody because he was such a good worker when he was sober. In the last few months, he has gotten a DUI and was arrested again. He was court ordered into monitored sobriety. He has decided not to do this and has left the state on two bonds and not showed up for court dates. He is living on the run in another state now. Before he left, he went to the hospital ER throwing up blood and was told he was in failing health due to severe alcoholism. His liver is very enlarged and damaged. Cognitively, he is very impaired when intoxicated — which is all the time now. He is going to lose everything he has including his freedom & health. This man is not that old. What amazes me is that he could have gone into rehab covered by his insurance and most if any jail time. All he could think about was the next drink. Now he has almost blown through his savings, his car was seized, and he will most likely detox in a county jail. The consequences now are going to be severe no matter what. He now thinks of me as the enemy because I tried to help him get into rehab and get his life on track. What he doesn't realize is that I was actually a very good friend. He wants to hang out with other addicts (alcohol and drugs) instead of dealing with life. I wish him well but am very sad to have watched this decline over the last several months. Many of the homeless people that I see on the streets downtown now remind me of what may become of my friend if this course continues.
To put an addiction before all else is selfish we agree. Was wondering Charlie, if you could speak to the necessity of addicts, especially those who love alcohol, of their necessity to be in control? Would you say this would be a trait primarily of children of alcohols, who may have become alcoholics themselves? I realize some people by nature are controlling, but would you say this is something that alcoholics want to do, be it control of situations, people or even the most mundane things?
Thank you so much for this. My boyfriend did the whole cut and run. He decided our relationship was over in his mind (without telling me) drank with a very violent relapse and then came back sober with all kind of new AA girls to distract him.
All of sudden his heart was cold and it's been very hard for me to adjust to all of this and the abandonment. Any thoughts from anyone would be helpful.
In recovery, take care.
My emotions are on a see saw. Happy/Sad, Happy/Sad. You put it exactly how it is also. We don't get any applause for being put through hell. We are left to pick up the pieces of our broken selves while they are all happy now they have given everything over to a higher power. I wish there was a magic button to push to make me happy again. Thank you for your post.
I'm tired of the disease copout too. This is a great post. Most of my family are alcoholics. My dad never drank or smoked so I wound up in the middle. I can have a couple drinks every now and then. Thank you Dad, you pretty much saved my life.
most of my family is now in recovery, but you reminded me that even when they are sober, I will be dead last on their list of considerations. And why I keep my distance. I keep wishing that my family could be “normal”, but they never fail to remind me that's never going to happen.
so, good insight, thanks!
Since so many members of my family are or have been alcoholics, it took some therapy to get a grip on why they continued to hurt me, and then realizing that they weren't going to get better, to maintain a healthy distance.
I've got to take care of myself,too. It's the best I can do. Thanks for pointing out that even in recovery these people will never be the normal family members I wish they were. It does help!
Not ghouls, just self entitled.
Such a sad thread. I keep hoping that he can make it back to this world and be the amazing man he was before he got involved with drugs. I don't want to grieve – I want him to make it. But he is functionally insane now, and so disconnected from reality that I have only a shred of hope left. I don't want to give up on him, even though if he were anyone else I wouldn't waste a single thought on the junk heap he's become. But he was such a hero before the drugs, so amazing…. Do any of them ever make it back?
Yes, the author ;) That's actually the point of my blog and my book.
Amen.
Hi, My husband has put me through so much and this is so fresh. This week fresh. I cannot believe I stayed for his sake. We never discussed his drinking or fought about it. I always figured when he hit the bottom he would have to do something. Never did I think he would cheat, never. He's not your typical. He is an extreme game player and has to be one up on you always. I've read all your stories and I have lived with most all of it myself. The sting of wasting 38 years of my life I think is the hardest part. I didn't know how to leave.He just left me for someone else that has no clue what she is in for. He wanted to stay living at home if I would make it comfortable for him doing his laundry,cooking his meals,cutting his hair, making his breakfast and his lunches for work and keeping house while he has someone on the side. Has he lost it or what. I don't play into the whole narrcistic game. I just do what a wife should be doing. But now nothing is getting a reaction out of me anymore so he had to pull the ultimate. I never thought he would stoop this low. Why am I so bothered? Why do I care? Why does it matter? Why do I feel sorry for him? What has happened to me? Why do they hurt the people who loved them the most? Why give up the self respect you used to pride yourself in? He will die alone or will I run to his bedside? There are some good sides to him. He never misses work and he is a good supporter but he is not connected, no empathy for others, doesn't care if he hurts you and can only feel for himself. There is no emotional support, He has always been incapable of it unless there is something in it for him. Then he pretends he is there emotionally. (fake, pulls out your chair if there is onlookers, opens your car door and so on. Anything that makes him look good in front of others.) But at home he secretly wants to pull the chair out from under you. He's like a bird catcher. sneaks up on you unsuspectedly. He must be the final say and he is never wrong….Nothing matters but him. feed his ego. Thats why he found somebdy else because I can't feed that anymore. Who is this stranger in my bed? But now it seems so much worse and took a quick surprizing turn and he still wants to be my friend. he does not want to divorce and has no intention of marring this woman or whatever it is that he defends.He's known her 6 weeks. The diease finially took what little bit of dignity he had left. She feeds his ego, laughs at his stories and jokes i've heard 1000 times so she looks up to him right now. The King.. who is he. Is he happy I ask myself? Is he proud he just pulled one over on me? Is he so depressed that he sunk this low? Does he hate himself? Why do they always go for someone way beneath his normal standards? My Dad did? His Dad did? All bar flies that listen to them. They look up to them hoping to be rescued themselves from themselves. So sick, The burdens they have put upon us and the eggshells that have cut our feet trying to keep peace. I grew up like that and hated it and swore I would not repeat it. So I didn't repeat it, I just married it. What a fool I was when young. I love your advice. You justified everything for me. RUN And don't look back. Yes easier said than done. You lived with drama all your life and allowed it to robbed who you are and all your desires, hobbies, activities, faith, mildness, joy just to please him doing all his stuff or just keeping peace for either you or the children you produced together. Is that why it stings so bad? Identify who you are agian for you. I have to build strength in my faith and friends and the love and support I will and have recieved, but it still hurts. Thank you for letting me air.
Sort of like handing out steak and lobster and getting a can of spam in return. Glad I'm older now.
They know they aren't worth it but stupid PRIDE gets in the way. Why they pick the idiots should be clear.
Take care of yourself and let the fool go. They were intellectually handicapped long before they started drinking. Never grew up, never will. It's hard to leave and you will shed tears, but as time goes by you won't miss him. What is there to miss?
Trust me on this, DUMP THEM NOW.
Wish I had read this a year ago. 3 weeks ago I had enough and for my own mental health walked out. She has no idea how much she hurt our relationship with her drinking. I'm left with the guilt of calling it quits and the pain of seeing her downward spiral in extremely dangerous lifestyle choices.
Everything you mentioned in your article is so true. To anyone even contemplating a relationship with an alcoholic: RUN, run as fast and as far away as possible. I didn't want to run. I thought my love would be enough, I thought my love and caring would fix her. The problem with the addict: the more you love, the more they take of you and everything else, until there's nothing left to give.
“I thought my love would be enough, I thought my love and caring would fix her. The problem with the addict: the more you love, the more they take of you and everything else, until there's nothing left to give.”
Thank you for writing and sharing. Everybody should read this quote of yours. It is the truth about addiction/alcoholism, and I couldn't have said it better myself. Bless you.
I feel like you guys have been hiding in my closet and watching these every moves. Unbelievable! Great comments!
I am still “new” (10 years plus) to the observation of a true alcoholic.
While I hang on to my FAITH and the “Coors Light Only” person I thought I met and loved, I find I might have been deceived.
Apparently, I was new to town and preyed upon.
Everyone else in this town knew him as the addict he was! No one told me…
I have done the Alanon/excuse thing. I do NOT believe it to be a disease!
I have done the “talking to others in the same boat” thing. It just makes me feel more stupid.
I have done the “crying to my family” thing. It just makes me feel like a burden.
I have even tried the “If you cannot beat them, join them” thing. This did not work for I am naive person, and sincerely a dummy, bad driver, easily influenced, etc…
I am going to have to give up on this person. He had tricked me, manipulated me, abused me, held me captive and I kept believing in FAITH. I have enough FAITH to fill a lake!
Yes, I am a child of an alcoholic. This does not help. I do know, “It is not my fault!”
…time to move on…WHITE FLAG OUT!
I feel like you guys have been hiding in my closet and watching these every moves. Unbelievable! Great comments!I am still \”new\” (10 years plus) to the observation of a true alcoholic. While I hang on to my FAITH and the \”Coors Light Only\” person I thought I met and loved, I find I might have been deceived.Apparently, I was new to town and preyed upon. Everyone else in this town knew him as the addict he was! No one told me…I have done the Alanon/excuse thing. I do NOT believe it to be a disease!I have done the \”talking to others in the same boat\” thing. It just makes me feel more stupid.I have done the \”crying to my family\” thing. It just makes me feel like a burden.I have even tried the \”If you cannot beat them, join them\” thing. This did not work for I am naive person, and sincerely a dummy, bad driver, easily influenced, etc…I am going to have to give up on this person. He had tricked me, manipulated me, abused me, held me captive and I kept believing in FAITH. I have enough FAITH to fill a lake!Yes, I am a child of an alcoholic. This does not help. I do know, \”It is not my fault!\”…time to move on…WHITE FLAG OUT!
Yup, I'm that guy. Waiting for 6am to come so I can get more booze. Found this blog by googling “I'm a selfish Alcoholic”. I suppose I've been looking for my give a damn but it's just gone. Been sober for up to 8 yrs. before but that was in my 30's. Now in my mid 50's. Never fully grew up and don't want to. Nate Ratecliff and the Night Sweats' S.O.B. is now my favorite song—pathetic.
lmao 😂😂😂yeah she went overboard on the hubby thing!
lmao 😂😂😂yeah she went overboard on the hubby thing!
I have been lied to, and stolen from…by addicted relatives. Then they expect me to be there for them and I am getting sooooo tired of it. thanks to this website I feel better and know that they don't know what they are doing, they do it because they are addicts to alcohol, marijuana, meth and heroin. just because they feel cruddy doesn't mean I have to. I will let them learn on their own; if I keep trying to catch them as they fall they will never learn they have power and gifts to change and be the person they want to be.
I just divorced my violent alcoholic husband of 17 years. He announced he is getting married soon. It is sad that there are women out there that would say yes to a man like this, supposedly knowing all about his past. He has ruined his first marriage by refusing to give up the true love of his life–alcohol, and as his daughter said rightly so, there he goes trying to ruin someone else's life. He says he wants more children now, and has forgotten all about the time when the cps took our 8 year old child into foster care because of his drinking and violence. Recently, my 14 year old daughter told me that she was gang raped while she was in foster care.
The women say yes because the old school mentality still perpetuated by people says that is the only option. The less educated they are, the more likely they will cling to old ways, and victimize everyone around them they can.
If you have to force the “game” on someone, it's obviously not to their benefit. If a woman stands up against this crap she is considered a freak.
Ladies, get your “freak” on and make sure these bullies are uncomfortable.
Make your own money, support yourself, and don't let jerks like that close. Luckily they are dumb enough that you will pick up the “red flags” and get away before they get their claws in.
Education at all levels is EVERYTHING.
My addict husband is everyone's best friend, but mine. He goes out of his way for everyone else, but his family. We have a baby due in 6 weeks. He hasnt bought ONE thing…sitting and waiting for my family to pick up the pieces. Im having bad pelvic pain, horrible acid reflux, on top of taking care of two VERY active boys one with autism. My house is a MESS. He fusses about helping. I've been with him for 7 years my WHOLE twenties and I absolutely refuse to go into my thirties like this (I turn 30 in a month) . Im trying to walk in love and understanding, but I CANNOT live like this. I fantasize about a better happier life. I need clarity.
Absolutely, they know darn well how to behave. And then they wait till you are alone. Maybe its time to sneak a camera in! These fools are real big on privacy. Unfortunately you married a boy.
Remember, guys, a woman wants a man, not Peter Pan.
Save your love and understanding for your kids. I don't know about how your family is, but if there's even a chance they might take you in temporarily, get rid of the boy and go to them, or someone supportive of you emotionally. I'll bet the acid reflux disappears!
Do not give him a second chance. The boy won't grow up. Statistically, it's just not in their favor.
I am still in love with and trying to deal with getting over ” my dream guy” because he left me again !! Reasons because he can't handle being in a sober relationship, cutting down on drinking, telling the truth, not sitting in the bar and being a responsible father to his 2 kids (from previous relationship ) . We were supposed to be married Jan 8, 2016. Even though within 3 years he left me about 5 times. Each time I wanted him back knowing he had a drinking problem but not knowing how bad he actually was …. because he hid it and I never dealt with a relationship with an alcoholic before ( functioning alcoholic as it has been explained ). He would drink at the bar before picking his kids up at the bus stop, he was going to the bar early in the morning and then coming home and washing his clothes and putting them back in the clean clothes so I wouldn't know he was going while I was at work, he lied so many times about the smallest to the largest of things. I work for my local Sheriff’s Office in the Jail and thought telling him of the consequences of drinking and driving (which he still does all the time from what I have been told), and telling him of people losing seeing their kids and people killing others by drinking and driving – each time he said he understood and how much he loves me and loves his kids so he wouldn't drink and drive. He even said I saved him from going down the wrong path. But nothing I said helped and again he couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who will not be an enabler so I get the emotional, mental, and financial consequences of being in love with him and he just leaves a little I am sorry note and moves out and to wherever so he can hang out at the bar. He wrote he is sorry he wasted the last 3 years of my life but he doesn't realize how he has destroyed me inside because I always gave, loved, cared and helped him and his kids 100 % and I know I am better off without him but I have no family to speak of and when he left I not only lost him but his kids and his family that all love me. He doesn't realize how he killed me inside and I just can't seem to get past it !!! I know I would never be able to be with him again but I just can't seem to understand why he decided to keep coming back knowing he would leave me again and devastate me worse each time . I don't know if with all his lies if he actually loved me and wanted to spend his life with me but just couldn't handle it or if I was just used and he was able to make me feel he truly loved me.
It is truly amazing how the alcoholic can worry about everyone accept the one that truly and deeply loves them. My ex fiance allowed his,ex wife to push him around and he was so worried about making sure he didn't upset her but she didn't do anything to help him but I helped him get out of debt, buy his kids nice things , etc… and he would rather help his ex and her mother over me the person that was helping him, giving to him, loving him and caring for him and for his kids. Truly truly a sad existence when they walk away from the best thing that ever happened to them.
It is truly amazing how the alcoholic can worry about everyone accept the one that truly and deeply loves them. My ex fiance allowed his,ex wife to push him around and he was so worried about making sure he didn't upset her but she didn't do anything to help him but I helped him get out of debt, buy his kids nice things , etc… and he would rather help his ex and her mother over me the person that was helping him, giving to him, loving him and caring for him and for his kids. Truly truly a sad existence when they walk away from the best thing that ever happened to them.
Get rid of him/them. They will never change.
I has been 15 years or more, or less, I forget…THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! I have had the prime and the best years of my life taken. I am 46. I have lost the ability to have children, etc…DUMP HIM! HE SUCKS! You will always be the cause….of his addictions. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
I MISSED MINE, I AM A LITTLE SLOW, DO NOT MISS YOURS!
GET THE HECK OUT! WISH I HAD!