Sadly, people who find this blog often type in the search phrase, ‘why do alcoholics hurt us?‘, which results in an older post I wrote about why drinking is selfish. I renamed that post, Selfish No Matter What, and hopefully this one will come up instead.
First, let me tell you that it’s not because of you. You are not the reason. There is no person, place or thing to blame. We have only ourselves to blame for our selfish actions.
Alcoholics and addicts hurts others because their addiction comes first before everything. And if our addiction is our very top priority, then we will do anything it takes to use the way we want, even if that means lying to you, stealing from you, manipulating you, deceiving you, abusing you, hurting you and breaking your heart.
Many of us probably don’t want to hurt you at all, but if we are addicts, our addiction comes first, and that means nothing and nobody will get in the way of us drinking and using to our little hearts’ content.
The truth is that you will never come first, because even if we recover, we will have to put our spiritual health above all else. But don’t worry, because if an addict actually puts spiritual growth above all else, then our relationships and every other facet of our lives will end up in the best possible condition. For us, if our relationship with God becomes second to anything, we will lose everything anyway… and then nobody will get what they want. It’s all or none for us. We can’t worship anything worldly or we will become sick and eventually relapse.
We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones. We hurt others because we are pathetic, whiny children who have no clue that life is not about us feeling good all of the time. We hurt others because our minds have become twisted and warped from drinking and using so much that we cannot even see that we are hurting you. We have become deranged and delusional, only believing what we need to tell ourselves to keep our habit going uninterrupted. We hurt you because we have begun lying to ourselves, and when we lie to ourselves, we don’t know if what we’re doing is up or down, left or right, right or wrong, real or unreal. We have broken our minds and therefore we are insane. Insane people don’t know what they’re doing. They only do what they think they need to do to maintain the phony existence they are living.
So my advice to my fellow addicts is to realize that you are fake, and then grow up and go get better. Get better because you have given up the right to drink and use drugs. Get better up because you don’t deserve to focus on making yourself feel more comfortable 24/7. Get better because it is the right thing to do. Get better because you owe it to everybody in your life… and you owe it to the entire world. Contrary to what you might believe, the world owes you nothing, so get better because the only other option is to die a miserable death, and spiritually speaking, you don’t want to do that and wind up in some awful place, or wind up coming back to learn the same lessons you were too much of a coward to learn this time around.
God, please show me how much I have hurt others…
Get rid of him/them. They will never change.I has been 15 years or more, or less, I forget…THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! I have had the prime and the best years of my life taken. I am 46. I have lost the ability to have children, etc…DUMP HIM! HE SUCKS! You will always be the cause….of his addictions. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT!I MISSED MINE, I AM A LITTLE SLOW, DO NOT MISS YOURS!GET THE HECK OUT! WISH I HAD!
When I dumped some of the people who used me as a punching bag for some of them, I cried. But as the months passed, I felt better and I didn't miss them anymore. What was there to miss?
When I dumped some of the people who used me as a punching bag for some of them, I cried. But as the months passed, I felt better and I didn't miss them anymore. What was there to miss?
I feel as though I could have written all of the above. And the saddest thing is if you have given your heart to this person and then they just stop talking to you. I miss him and his family but have to have respect for myself, prayer helps.
I WILL STAND BY THIS…Any woman out there under 30 years old, call me.
I have been through this. I let the prime of my life go and allowed a controlling, abusive man and his family to abuse me just for their own benefit, send me to a mental institution-label me as crazy, , block my ability to ever have children, use me for their own entertainment because they “thought” no one cared…WRONG!!!!
MY ADVICE TO ANY WOMAN IS, “GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND FAST!”
ACT LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE AND STOP, GET YOUR KIDS, DROP AND ROLL!!!!
Right, Wanda?
I WILL STAND BY THIS…Any woman out there under 30 years old, call me. I have been through this. I let the prime of my life go and allowed a controlling, abusive man and his family to abuse me just for their own benefit, send me to a mental institution-label me as crazy, , block my ability to ever have children, use me for their own entertainment because they \”thought\” no one cared…WRONG!!!!MY ADVICE TO ANY WOMAN IS, \”GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND FAST!\” ACT LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE AND STOP, GET YOUR KIDS, DROP AND ROLL!!!!Right, Wanda?
They stop talking to you due to GUILT!
They stop talking to you due to GUILT!
Right, Wanda?
Right, Wanda?
You bet! I like the stop drop and roll analogy.
The heartbreaking part is when they tell you that no one cares. It took a lot of courage to bail and care for yourself. Sure worth it, though.
I revisiting some of this because I recently learned that the abusive friend I left had plotted to do some sort of harm to me after I left.
It's been 6 years now, and I'm ok, but it was disturbing just how low she was willing to go to get back at me. It really does feel like a hairline escape!
I guess the lesson here for me is, if they are treating you like crap up front, it's not getting better down the road.
Whew!!!
Yeah probably. My favorite books for this is “beyond codependency”, and how to disagree without being disagreeable”, and self help for fear and anger.”
Hardest book I ever had to read was “understanding the borderline mother”
Actually, I've seen very little guilt on their part. The ticket is to learn their MO, and free yourself from asking why. They just are, and getting away from them is just taking good care of yourself.
There is no good answer to why, so don't bother.
I can relate. My boyfriend spiraled out of control surprisingly quickly, and went from a loving partner to a verbally abusive, self-absorbed person I didn't recognize. As grateful as I am to not be in that situation anymore, I am feeling abandoned and rejected, because he really didn't make much of an effort to salvage the relationship, just threw in the towel when things got tough. My only offering to you is to let you know that you are not alone. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
I just had my final divorce hearing on 10/16/15 from my husband, now ex-husband. He had been a police officer for 17 years, we lived together for 7 years then married for 10 years. I noticed he was drinking more and would mention it to him every now and then. In September of last year he was offered a job making more money. He was working about 450 miles from our home. Our whole relationship for 17 years was pretty good, didn't really ever fight much and when we did, it would be over and done with. When my ex went out of town to work it was only supposed to be for about 4 months. He started hanging out with other guys at bars, drinking, getting drunk. Out of the blue he called me on his way home for Thanksgiving, we argued because I knew he had been out to the bar drinking the night before. He screamed at me over the phone he wanted a divorce. It upset me so much I was suicidal! He came home and spent Thanksgiving, pretended things were fine until I asked to see his phone. He wouldn't let me see it. He finally got mad and threw it toward me. I found a picture of a woman, trashy looking woman beside a swimming pool without her top. When I asked him who she was he said it was a picture one of the crew was sending around to everybody. Then he proceeded to get drunk because I didn't believe him. We argued and then he left the next morning to work. December 11th, he snuck into town behind my back and filed for divorce, no warning, talking, nothing. He even filed for a restraining order against me so I wasn't allowed to call, text, write, or contact him or his work. From Dec. to February of this year, he set up three different times for us to meet at hotels because he said he wanted to try to talk and see if we could work it out. But, all three times he backed out because I know he would get drunk and change his mind. In February when he wanted to meet, he even fired his attorney to show me how serious he was about loving me and wanting our marriage back. But…he was supposed to meet me at 7pm at a hotel, called me around 5pm and said he wasn't coming. That's when I told him to leave me alone and I was divorcing him! Since then up until now he's increased his drinking to the extent he admitted to me he was getting drunk 4 nights a week. He's become so hateful, selfish, rude, sex minded about everything, porn addicted. Tells me all the women he's having sex with and how much of a stud he is with other women knowing how much it hurts me. It's as if he gets pleasure now out of seeing how much he can break my heart. I don't understand any of this. I still love my ex husband with all my heart but he's chosen alcohol. He gave me everything in our divorce. Even though he was making almost $8000.00 a month after taxes, he's maxed out all his credit cards, he's in debt on a loan, to both our attorneys for about $10,000. He spent all his savings and now it looks as if he's going to be laid off his job he just took a year ago. So, long story short, he's lost all he and I both worked for in ONE year! And will be paying for a long time if he is still a functional alcoholic and can get another job. I can't begin to say the walking nightmare he's put me through, the roller coaster ride, the pain, misery, heartbreak. Not only me but his son as well, my son, daughter in law. His own son will barely talk to him but even though he knew he may be losing his own flesh and blood son over all this, it still wasn't enough to make him give up the alcohol. I plan on starting Alanon soon. Even though it's over, I struggle every second of every day and night still. The pain is still so fresh and I still have suicidal times when I think I just can't live without him. I would appreciate any and all help from anyone here. Thanks
I almost cry when I read some of the above stories. I don't have a sponsor in AlAnon, but I go to meetings regularly. The alcoholic is my grown son. I could write pages on the inconsiderate and hurtful things he has done to our whole family over the years, but that isn't the point. He won't change and I know it. I have learned that I MUST detach and let him do whatever he's going to do, until he kills himself. And he will; he's well on his way. Here's the problem. My husband is the enabler. He will do anything for our son – drive him anywhere (of course he's had 3 DUI's so he can't drive and has no car), lend him money, get him out of jail, help him move to a new apartment – anything. We are not young – in our late 60's. And yet when I discuss with my husband the fact that he is really hurting our son by doing everything for him, he accuses me of not caring for our son. Our son drinks from morning until night. If we want to talk to him, we have to call him about 11:00 a.m. – that's when he gets up, and hasn't usually started drinking yet. He then drinks until 2:00 or 3:00 the next morning and he is impossible to talk to when he's impaired. My husband and I fight about this constantly. I tell him he is not acting loving towards our son because he is just helping him continue his drinking with no consequences. My husband believes I am unloving and mean and just don't care about our son. Now my son has involved my daughter. She lives in another town and has for years. She does not realize he is as bad as he is. She thinks he just likes wine and gets a little loud sometimes. But she really doesn't know him. He is 51. She is 35, and happily married. Now he has invited himself to stay with her for five days in their very tiny apartment in San Francisco. (less than 600 sq. feet). He did not ask her – just invited himself and bought plane tickets. He intends to sleep on their floor. He doesn't care ONE BIT that he might be inconveniencing them by sleeping in their tiny living room – the only place they have to sit except their bed and tiny kitchen. They have ONE bathroom. My daughter and her husband are very much in love, but this is going to put a huge strain on their relationship for many reasons. They've been through A LOT lately and this could not come at a worse time. Too long to explain. I have not see any posts about what to do when you separate yourself from the alcoholic person, bit then the alcoholic abuses others in the family. I'm helpless because if I say anything (like stay in a hotel!) I am coming between my son and my daughter. My husband thinks she'll just have to handle it herself. She and her husband work, but are quite broke right now and can't afford to entertain and feed him. My son obviously doesn't care about her feelings, only his. He just wants to see San Francisco “on the cheap.” So I cry and my husband and I fight. These issues come up all the time because my husband tries to keep others in the family from knowing our son is a drunk. My son can be very charming, but I know the truth. My husband knows it too, but just ignores it, and ignores me. How can I “detach” without having the rest of my family think I'm the “bad guy?” I just wonder why I don't see anything written about this. I feel very, very alone. I don't want to lost the respect and love of my family because of this selfish young man.
http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-does-one-love-from-distance.html
http://privilegedaddictwriter.blogspot.com/2015/08/posts-geared-for-parents-spouses.html
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Hi – Try Hypnotherapy. Works like a charm!
Be active in your recovery,
So you may be able to recover me.
Selfish can the addict be,
Selfless to you is the way it seems.
Blaming everyone you may recognize,
Means never having to apologize.
A life of regret, not matter the outcome,
But living with stress makes you able to function.
I hardly see your sweet face and kind heart,
Your personality hidden, emotions depart.
Sad is the soul whom deep down is risen,
When moments of clarity arise from love given.
Windows of little, glimpses of untold fate,
Its not clear to me, I have nothing left to take.
As I face you, slowly taking steps back,
Willpower not to run to you I solemnly lack.
Ebb and flo of emotion, it what is desired,
Somewhat of an addiction Im sure I’ve acquired.
My view of my addict is unconditional love,
As the love for myself must mirror faith from above.
I will be here, in some form waiting with hope,
Changed and a bit more surely ready to cope.
Spirituality connections must come before all else,
Cultivating your faith will always help.
And maybe someday, as time surely will heal,
Your abandonment I might appeal.
Until times passes.
I am loving myself for you.
Because I know you can’t.
And its okay baby.
I understand, the best I can.
Be active in your recovery,So you may be able to recover me.Selfish can the addict be,Selfless to you is the way it seems.Blaming everyone you may recognize,Means never having to apologize. A life of regret, not matter the outcome,But living with stress makes you able to function.I hardly see your sweet face and kind heart,Your personality hidden, emotions depart.Sad is the soul whom deep down is risen,When moments of clarity arise from love given.Windows of little, glimpses of untold fate,Its not clear to me, I have nothing left to take.As I face you, slowly taking steps back,Willpower not to run to you I solemnly lack.Ebb and flo of emotion, it what is desired,Somewhat of an addiction Im sure I’ve acquired.My view of my addict is unconditional love,As the love for myself must mirror faith from above. I will be here, in some form waiting with hope,Changed and a bit more surely ready to cope.Spirituality connections must come before all else,Cultivating your faith will always help.And maybe someday, as time surely will heal,Your abandonment I might appeal.Until times passes.I am loving myself for you. Because I know you can’t.And its okay baby.I understand, the best I can.
Is this blog still active?
Thanks for the shares. I'm still married, but not spoken to by my AH. I still love him, but he is totally cold to me. We live in separate states. I moved back with my family. I'm trying to move on, the encouragement helps. I especially liked the original post. Sometimes I feel so bad for things I said and did when feeling angry at him and hurt by him. I try to forgive myself, remind myself that it couldn't have succeeded anyway, even if I was a saint.
These are the saddest and most truthful words I've heard in a long time. I'm a year out from a common-law relationship with an alcoholic. I'm not naive, but it wasn't until 3 years into the relationship, and moving in together that I realized he was an alcoholic. Sweet, kind, and never abusive. Undependable, egotistical and a liar (about whether he was drinking). The latter three are what I need to concentrate on because even a year later, I'm still busted up about leaving him. I don't want him back in my life as a partner, but I miss him as a friend. I will NEVER, EVER get involved with an alcoholic again and will have my eyes WIDE open when I'm ready to start dating again. Thanks Sept 20 at 1:02am, you've helped me more than you will ever know. Karen
Someone I Know who is recovering alcoholic just got married and the wife drinks occasionally at home not knowing the man's history and struggle.
Obviously the wife is clueless.
So beautiful!
I am crying….yes, unconditional love and spirituality…
“Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I could not believe
She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago…”
You're right. I did get here by Googling “why do alcoholics hurt people?” because I'm one of them that has been hurt. The above lyrics, in my opinion, sum up basically how I feel. I relate to every comment on this page and I am so grateful that I found it. I have loved an alcoholic off and on for 3 years. The first 8 months we were together he didn't drink and then one day he just changed. I packed his stuff 2 months after that and he left without saying goodbye. A few months later he came back and 7 more months were spent together but with no official commitment. Then last year I spent most of it with no contact from him (and thought I had moved on) but he came back 5 months ago and said he wanted to try, only to disappear again without notice.
It's one big game of “I want you but I don't want to commit to you because I'm afraid of hurting you; but I love you and miss you and now I'm just going to stop talking to you and ignore you to make it all go away”.
I'm sick of it. I also thought my love could save him (and unfortunately still do) but I know that's just a fairytale idea. I so badly wish he wasn't sick because I would love him forever. But he has and will destroy me if I continue. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it makes me angry to think about how one day if he gets better, someone will get what I worked so hard for all along… and it won't be me.
Everyone here is right: run away. Do yourself a favor and don't love an addict until they love themselves enough to not be one.
“We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones.” Truer words never spoken, and had I only read this 9 months before, an almost 3 years sober recovering alcoholic came into my life, it might have saved me a tremendous amount of heartache. I might have ran and never gotten involved with her. I didn't realize just how self centered a person could be, until I found myself, a “normie” immersed in her world. Alcoholics drink to disconnect, and when they are in recovery they still don't understand how to truly let love in and connect. They try, but so often in the end the push the one's they love the most away. They take on more sponsees, serve on a board, throw themselves deeper into the program because life doesn't really exist beyond the program. They don't really have friends outside the program, because their fellow AA friends just get it more. You can't love a recovering alcoholic, because they don't know how to love anyone but themselves and AA. Which is fine, because it is better than drinking and destroying themselves. They should just be honest from the get go, that their relationships don't last and they will push you away because it is too hard for them to connect and feel for anything but themselves. They can't help it, it is the way their brains work.
Signed,
Just a normie who tried to accept,support, and love in vain
Thanks to all of your stories and comments. It lets me know I am not alone. I was in a relationship for 5 years with an alcoholic. I loved him so very much. I just thought if I hung in there and let him treat me like shit he would eventually see how much I cared and he would be better. This is the very first time I was ever involved with anyone with problems like this. He is still texting me and asking me why I am mad at him. Normally that would have worked the 30 times before but for some reason this last episode I just snapped inside. I can not believe that human beings treat each other that way. I kept saying to myself.. I have spent 5 years with him, I do not want him to get better and end up with someone else and they get what I have waited for. How do I get over this feeling? I do not love him anymore(and that took a while but I just stopped trusting him completely)Need Help!!!
Addicts are “cowards” because they refuse to grow up. They don't need our sympathy, instead they need to be told over and over again (though it won't help) what pieces of drek they truely are.
Addicts are \”cowards\” because they refuse to grow up. They don't need our sympathy, instead they need to be told over and over again (though it won't help) what pieces of drek they truely are.
I find it sad to think that anyone would be so critical and then support that criticism when clearly this is a place people come to in pain. So the woman is not a professional writer. Maybe she did not want to keep repeating his name to keep it anonymous so she substituted hubby. I did not mind. It was the message that mattered.
You learn who they really are. Redemption takes work that they don't want to do. Won't admit they did bad, won't ask for forgiveness, or try and make amends. Lost a 23 year marriage to addiction. She could not care less about what she did to her entire family. She has no regrets. Take care of your self. Do something fun for yourself NOW.
Hi Charlie
I've tried all the recommended things to help my husband give up his alcoholism, but none seem to work at all. I recon use that he needs to acknowledge his need to change and be ready for that. He has acknowledged that and in our 3 year marriage we have had two 5 week stints where he has had a good go at giving up… I just wonder what it is about the 5 week mark that triggers a relapse though? Could be coincidental. Anyway, I have always been a happy person and I love the sober version of my husband, but hardly ever see him. Consequently I feel really lonely. I try to talk to him about what he needs from me to suppirt him in giving up, what are the hardest times for him and how can I help him through? I'm not the enabler type as I don't play well with victim mentalities. I can dish out the tough love where/when needed too. I'm sick to death of all the advice about not saying this to the recovery alcoholic and not saying that… Having to walk on eggshells in case you do/say something that provokes a relapse… What about their nasty, thoughtless words spoken when drunk that they suffer no consequences for because there's no recall or very poor accurate memory of saying their hurtful words? We remember and carry this because we weren't pissed! The hurt is then exacerbated because the alcoholic minimizes the hurtful words/actions and makes out like we are exaggerating and won't be convinced otherwise…. When does the alcoholic have to stop and think about how their words and actions are causing destruction to those around them and it's NOT ok!!!! I don't care if you're pissed, it's not OK to be hurtful! Yes alcoholism is such a selfish thing in so many ways. I seem to attract them. Why? I'm a hard working sensible person. Why do I attract people who can't get their shit together and be responsible? I wish I could depend upon someone for a change, but I can't if I didn't step up to take care of all the important responsibilities everything would be up the creek! I'm so tired, I feel so lonely and I'm weary of feeling like beer is a much better option than me…. I feel so rejected. What now? What haven't I done or not done?
Sue
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics.
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics.
I just got dumped by aN addict I was involved with for 30 years!! It is painful and embarrassing. I thank God for Alanon. It helps me to keep the focus on myself, to let go of some of the anger aND revenge fantasies. What I learned from Alanon is we who love alcoholics are just like them in many ways. I found I am not a victim, I was a volunteer. All the signs were there, but I thought I could handle his drinking and using. I was in total denial. Please know you are not alone, there is help for you to recover from alcoholism/addiction. Sorry for your pain.
I am married to an alchoholic for 30 plus years. He totaled his fifth vehicle and covered it up by saying he wanted to kill himself. He then chose to self commit ..when he got out four days later. He went to a phycologist that mafe him feel better by saying it is an illness. He got all kinds of attention over this. I basically gotblamed because I didnt handle it and left him for 9 months. I csme back because i couldnt afford to be on my own and didnt want to make him sell the house we built together. Big mistake..my daughters have written me off. I get no support for what I did when he ws drinking running around and being abusive to me. I kept us afloat financially, tried to be a good mom, worked hard to keep us going. Now I am a bitter bitch in their eyes who did everything wrong. And he is a nightin shinning armor. I am labled a codependant..which is basically a bad thing. Still getting the raw end of the deal ehy is ghere no support for us?
Dear Sue, Bless you and thank you for writing and sharing your experience so honestly here. As far as trying to help and recommend things to an active alcoholic, I wouldn't waste your energy, especially as it robs you of nourishing yourself and all of the responsibilities you have.
For one, alcoholic types don't listen to anybody, but especially to loved ones. If he eventually decides to change, he will most likely only listen to another alcoholic, someone who uses and thinks the way he does, someone who is as pathologically selfish as he is but who has gotten outside of himself and recovered, someone who has something he wants (internally).
Of course, alcoholics also tend to see the defects in people as opposed to the good, but this is simply a projection of his own self-loathing… but don't feel bad because self-pity etc is just another form of selfishness and immaturity, and it is self-imposed. Never feel bad for a pity pot.
About the 5-week mark, you need to understand that the physically sober addict is still completely insane and suffers from the mental obsession – recurring thoughts or ideas (about using) that do not respond to ration or reason. So he is walking around subject to relapse at any point until he is restored to sanity. And think about it. After 5 weeks, someone who cannot live or accept life on life's terms, who like a child cannot accept that human life involves discomfort, well, after a few weeks the novelty of sobriety will wear off and he will stop caring as the restlessness, irritability and discontent/depression set in. He has no solution and no active/real spiritual life and so he will drink again.
At any rate, do not ask what you have or haven't done, as you will never be able to change him. If you give anything to anybody, give it to yourself. If the situation is very toxic, you need to assess that seriously. As well, I wouldn't make getting better a choice. If he really loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he will get better, and if not, then he doesn't deserve you. That's how I see it. You see, we alcoholics who are not really better simply manipulate love and support, so do not shower him with privileges etc. If anything, I would get tough and set an ultimatum and then honor that.
Finally, on the left side of the blog under “Pages” there is a link to a post, “Posts Geared for Parents, Spouses & Codependents”, which addresses a lot of this stuff, so start there, and remember, peace can only be found in letting go, so don't torture yourself trying to force your will, as it is a fruitless endeavor.
God bless you. I will pray hard for him, and for you and your family today.
My heart goes out to Sue, because I sure do understand…I have been grappling recently with indignation over my husband's complete blindless to the nastiness and rudeness and even complete cruelty of his own words…he is an unrecovered but “sober” alcoholic who still smokes weed. He will spew out the most horrible, hateful things you can imagine, then when I say something like “I don't feel comfortable with the way you are talking to me, let's finish this conversation later,” he'll start on a rant about how *I* am abusive and all I ever do is complain, all because I suggested his words were unkind. I hear a lot of lectures about how mean I am and how everything is my fault, and it makes me feel utterly hopeless because I know this man will probably never be able to look in the mirror at all. At least, not until I do something drastic – then he *might.*
I am currently at the point when I have accepted he will never get better unless I leave. It's scary, because I have no job, and 3 kids to support, but I don't want us to keep living in this misery of walking on eggshells around my explosively angry husband.
Charlie, I wonder if you might consider doing a post to help people like Sue and I who need to give an ultimatum…I mean, what things should we say to them when we leave to give the best chances of success? This is a very scary thing for me to do and I don't want to mess it up. Right now I am in the planning stage, so any specific advice you could give would be very helpful.
I too found this by googling but my search was , “Why are alcholics and addicts so selfish and crazy”? A guy I dated in college got back in touch with me through Facebook, which I am now no longer on. He stated he was divorced and maybe we could meet some weekend. Turns hout he is a disbarred attorney on his 3rd marriage with two small children which should be the age of his granchildren. He admits he is both an addict and an alcoholic and attends AA numerous times each day. He hangs out with his AA friends and they are so weak and selfish it is disgusting. We have made 3 different plans to meet and each time he sabatoges it with the most insane stories. One day one of his AA friends got his phone, she was drunk and called me to cuss me out. He is still married, claims he has filed for divorce but will continue living with his ex-wife. He has been to rehab and both times was kicked out becazuse his coke dealer came to see him there. My point is God was looking out for me 30 years ago when I stopped dating him and he has protected me again. I have had to have male friends tell him to leave me alone, he is so sick. Why do these AA babies always need someone by them? They do not deserve any of us.
I am living with my 68 year old alcoholic brother. His wife had enough after 43 years of marriage. He smokes 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes per day, burning holes in the carpet and the couch, spills food and coffee every where because he shakes like a leaf. Starts drinking at 8:00 am and doesn't stop until he passes out and then wakes up and starts drinking again. He has serious anger issues, yells and cusses at the TV with the foulest mouth I have ever heard. He does not take a bath, maybe once a month. Don't think he even uses soap. He stinks and is basically a bum. He drives drunk, talks to himself. He destroys everything he touches, cell phones, remote control to TV, kicked and tore the lawn mower up because he couldn't get it started. Tore up the weed eater. Any tangible object that he touches if it doesn't work right it gets broke. I have taken him to the VA but he won't go back. I have called the police on him but they won't do anything. I guess he has to kill someone driving drunk before anything will get done. I wanted to call the police and get him caught driving drunk but friends say I shouldn't do that. Why? Well he could go to jail or prison. My thoughts are if it saves a life then his butt needs to be in jail. He spends 1200.00 a month for his smoking and drinking habit and I have do everything for him. We live in a nice home and I have given up cleaning up after him. He pees all over the bathroom and I constantly walk around trying to clean up ashes on the floor and pee around the toilet. I keep the yard up, wash his clothes ,take care of all of his bills. I am afraid to leave the house because I am afraid he will burn it down along with my three cats. His brain is fried and he does lie and blame everything on everyone else. My life is a living nightmare. We have another brother who won't get involved and help me. My health is going down hill from being so stressed with him. He has been living with me for 6 months and has destroyed this house. He won't sleep in a bed. Sleeps in chair or on the couch. The TV has been on constantly for 6 months day and night. He has no feelings about other people. Has no friends. What should I do?
Call the police when he drives drunk. He will be forced into treatment. Could save his life as well as others.
Call the police when he drives drunk. He will be forced into treatment. Could save his life as well as others.
I would say children of alcoholics can very much be that way. My ex husband's father was such a violent drunk that he stabbed and shot at my ex in his teens. My ex became a control freak. The way I saw it ( lived with him for 18 years) if he could blame me for everything then there was order to the universe. And if he could control me then there was perfect order. Because his childhood had been so dangerous and chaotic he became a strict vegan and made me be one too. He was very strict with the recycling and everything “Green”. It was like this was his self righteousness, because truly he felt worthless and if it was stuck to with all the control he could muster then he was “good” he fools a lot of people. But me and the kids know he is a Sociopath.
I would say children of alcoholics can very much be that way. My ex husband's father was such a violent drunk that he stabbed and shot at my ex in his teens. My ex became a control freak. The way I saw it ( lived with him for 18 years) if he could blame me for everything then there was order to the universe. And if he could control me then there was perfect order. Because his childhood had been so dangerous and chaotic he became a strict vegan and made me be one too. He was very strict with the recycling and everything \”Green\”. It was like this was his self righteousness, because truly he felt worthless and if it was stuck to with all the control he could muster then he was \”good\” he fools a lot of people. But me and the kids know he is a Sociopath.
Right. I've called the police dozens of times on my husband, yet they still have not pulled him over.