Sadly, people who find this blog often type in the search phrase, ‘why do alcoholics hurt us?‘, which results in an older post I wrote about why drinking is selfish. I renamed that post, Selfish No Matter What, and hopefully this one will come up instead.
First, let me tell you that it’s not because of you. You are not the reason. There is no person, place or thing to blame. We have only ourselves to blame for our selfish actions.
Alcoholics and addicts hurts others because their addiction comes first before everything. And if our addiction is our very top priority, then we will do anything it takes to use the way we want, even if that means lying to you, stealing from you, manipulating you, deceiving you, abusing you, hurting you and breaking your heart.
Many of us probably don’t want to hurt you at all, but if we are addicts, our addiction comes first, and that means nothing and nobody will get in the way of us drinking and using to our little hearts’ content.
The truth is that you will never come first, because even if we recover, we will have to put our spiritual health above all else. But don’t worry, because if an addict actually puts spiritual growth above all else, then our relationships and every other facet of our lives will end up in the best possible condition. For us, if our relationship with God becomes second to anything, we will lose everything anyway… and then nobody will get what they want. It’s all or none for us. We can’t worship anything worldly or we will become sick and eventually relapse.
We hurt others because we are perhaps the most selfish and immature people in the world. We hurt others because we are infantile narcissists who feel as though nobody suffers quite the way we do and therefore we have the right to do whatever it takes to remain in our comfort zones. We hurt others because we are pathetic, whiny children who have no clue that life is not about us feeling good all of the time. We hurt others because our minds have become twisted and warped from drinking and using so much that we cannot even see that we are hurting you. We have become deranged and delusional, only believing what we need to tell ourselves to keep our habit going uninterrupted. We hurt you because we have begun lying to ourselves, and when we lie to ourselves, we don’t know if what we’re doing is up or down, left or right, right or wrong, real or unreal. We have broken our minds and therefore we are insane. Insane people don’t know what they’re doing. They only do what they think they need to do to maintain the phony existence they are living.
So my advice to my fellow addicts is to realize that you are fake, and then grow up and go get better. Get better because you have given up the right to drink and use drugs. Get better up because you don’t deserve to focus on making yourself feel more comfortable 24/7. Get better because it is the right thing to do. Get better because you owe it to everybody in your life… and you owe it to the entire world. Contrary to what you might believe, the world owes you nothing, so get better because the only other option is to die a miserable death, and spiritually speaking, you don’t want to do that and wind up in some awful place, or wind up coming back to learn the same lessons you were too much of a coward to learn this time around.
God, please show me how much I have hurt others…
I have been in a relationship with an A for 3 years which ended as of yesterday. I was about 4 months separated from my exhusband who had an affair. I had been attending weekly mindful meditation therapy for this sudden affair. I was feeling good and decided to go and see this band I loved and there he was. He came on to me and swept me off my feet. Instantly I was back in a relationship and feeling loved. I didn't know he was and alcoholic until days later when he confessed he had been in rehab and had started drinking again. I am a caring person and knew I liked his charm so I dated him for three long years. The first year or two was great. He didn't drink too much and we had a lot of fun. This past year, not so great. I having trust issues looked through his phone seeing he had been flirting and chatting with this younger girl (I am 38 he is 40) and he apologized. After that there were others but he told me I was crazy and had trust issues from my previous marriage. We recently ended up taking a break because all we did was argue. Since he has no license he had been having his 22 year old employee drive him around everywhere. Back up 3 weeks prior to this, I come home and he is passed out on the couch. I go out to have a cig and there were at least 7 cig butts in our ashtray that we do not smoke and about 5 beers missing, mind you he only drinks vodka. I confronted him about it and he said I was crazy. The next day he tells me the truth that this 22 year old employee stopped by really quick to meet our new puppy.
Presently this girl is driving him to and from work and taking him to the store etc etc. I had to go out of town to visit my dad who has cancer and he stayed because of work. I get home and find ladies panties in his floor. Denies it again. Says this 22 he old needed to do laundry and must have left them. Last night I listened to him tell her that i was nobody and that he loved her. He has been getting out of control drunk and just 3 days ago he tells me he needs to get his shit together etc. I could go on and on…. He has been cheating with her even though he denies everything. My therapist thinks he is an alcoholic sociopath. I am heartbroken even though I have to move on. How can he just turn a switch and be so empathetic and be so crazy to be messing with his 22 he old waitress!!!! So angry and emotionally exhausted.
I have been in a relationship with an A for 3 years which ended as of yesterday. I was about 4 months separated from my exhusband who had an affair. I had been attending weekly mindful meditation therapy for this sudden affair. I was feeling good and decided to go and see this band I loved and there he was. He came on to me and swept me off my feet. Instantly I was back in a relationship and feeling loved. I didn't know he was and alcoholic until days later when he confessed he had been in rehab and had started drinking again. I am a caring person and knew I liked his charm so I dated him for three long years. The first year or two was great. He didn't drink too much and we had a lot of fun. This past year, not so great. I having trust issues looked through his phone seeing he had been flirting and chatting with this younger girl (I am 38 he is 40) and he apologized. After that there were others but he told me I was crazy and had trust issues from my previous marriage. We recently ended up taking a break because all we did was argue. Since he has no license he had been having his 22 year old employee drive him around everywhere. Back up 3 weeks prior to this, I come home and he is passed out on the couch. I go out to have a cig and there were at least 7 cig butts in our ashtray that we do not smoke and about 5 beers missing, mind you he only drinks vodka. I confronted him about it and he said I was crazy. The next day he tells me the truth that this 22 year old employee stopped by really quick to meet our new puppy. Presently this girl is driving him to and from work and taking him to the store etc etc. I had to go out of town to visit my dad who has cancer and he stayed because of work. I get home and find ladies panties in his floor. Denies it again. Says this 22 he old needed to do laundry and must have left them. Last night I listened to him tell her that i was nobody and that he loved her. He has been getting out of control drunk and just 3 days ago he tells me he needs to get his shit together etc. I could go on and on…. He has been cheating with her even though he denies everything. My therapist thinks he is an alcoholic sociopath. I am heartbroken even though I have to move on. How can he just turn a switch and be so empathetic and be so crazy to be messing with his 22 he old waitress!!!! So angry and emotionally exhausted.
You can't just turn the switch off. It takes time and it is not easy to leave an alcoholic. But it is something you Must do. Remember you are not dealing with a rational normal thinking human being. The alcoholics brain and ability to care, feel empathy or responsibility for others is greatly affected. The 22 year old will be his next victim. He is done with you, thats just how it is. They cannot have normal loving relationships. You will be ok.
I started dating a man about 2 months ago. He was very sweet and charming and listened to me and seemed like he wanted to protect me. I realized that he would drink a lot and he when he drank, he would switch on and off from vodka to tequila to wine, I thought this was peculiar. He does not drive (thank God!) and seems to always be revolving his life around going to a bar. He'd text me saying, it's Wednesday at 2:00, I made some phone calls, now I can go have a drink. This bothered me since I am not a big drinker and felt that it was odd to be drinking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. He has no hobbies, for a 47 year old man, isn't that strange? I had been out of town for the past few weeks and last night we were supposed to meet at 9. He texted me and told me he was stopping by the bar first and he'd be late. I waited for an hour, then told him I was tired and going home to bed. He then got so angry with me, in a verbally abusive way, blaming me that I couldn't be patient and he was only a few minutes late (by now he was 1.5 hours late). It is so hurtful that all during my time traveling, he was texting me and telling me how much he missed me and then the first chance we get to be together, he goes to a bar instead of seeing me and proceeds to tell me that I am unreasonable and despite me apologizing for being tired and not willing to wait for him any longer, he is now giving me the silent treatment and I do not see him apologizing to me for going to a bar over keeping his date with me nor wanting to see me. I know I should be thankful that he is no longer speaking to me and that I should RUN, but it is still hurtful. Reading all of your comments has helped me and I know what I have to do and will do, but it still hurts.
Reading this, I will tell you it is all typical alcoholic behaviour, they are totally unreliable and unable to commit to anything or anyone except for drinking. You have to ask yourself is this the life and relationship you want? I experienced a relationship like this for 3 years. It is pointless, will not change and his behaviour will worsen with time. End it now is my advice. It is strange behaviour, but not for an alcoholic. Listen well to me as I am trying to help you, he would choose a drink over your life. The hurt you feel will lessen with time.
Thank you this. Every time I feel like breaking down I read your post and it helps. It is so crazy as he stays sober all day for work and he isn't drinking all day. Again, your post gives me strength.
Thank you this. Every time I feel like breaking down I read your post and it helps. It is so crazy as he stays sober all day for work and he isn't drinking all day. Again, your post gives me strength.
I think he did love you and even though he was all that , it was cause he didn't want you being mistreated by him and wanted you to let go and live a happy existence (which you deserve) . I think he was fighting and having a hard time keeping his head above the water cause he was drowning in it. If you love him that much let go and live for him. Do the things he can't do anymore and be the person he can't be anymore cause he is gone. I think this will please him and his family. Hope this helps cause that's all I want to do is help. Btw my dad was an alcoholic.
I think he did love you and even though he was all that , it was cause he didn't want you being mistreated by him and wanted you to let go and live a happy existence (which you deserve) . I think he was fighting and having a hard time keeping his head above the water cause he was drowning in it. If you love him that much let go and live for him. Do the things he can't do anymore and be the person he can't be anymore cause he is gone. I think this will please him and his family. Hope this helps cause that's all I want to do is help. Btw my dad was an alcoholic.
I think He has loved you more than you were able to see . Everything he did looks huge to you but it's that very small show of love that is actually huger when he pushes you away cause he was drunk. I got a feeling he knew you loved him very much and I don't think he hated you at all. If you love him then you'll live and love and do the things you both would've done together because you didn't need to be with him when he was fighting it. It is a very hard road that is emotionally strong and can break a person who is the one going through it with an addict. Remember him when he was sober as his friends said cause that will make what he went through worth wanting to be with you for. If he mentioned you to a friend then you are very loved and cherished by him. Live , Laugh , Love.
I think He has loved you more than you were able to see . Everything he did looks huge to you but it's that very small show of love that is actually huger when he pushes you away cause he was drunk. I got a feeling he knew you loved him very much and I don't think he hated you at all. If you love him then you'll live and love and do the things you both would've done together because you didn't need to be with him when he was fighting it. It is a very hard road that is emotionally strong and can break a person who is the one going through it with an addict. Remember him when he was sober as his friends said cause that will make what he went through worth wanting to be with you for. If he mentioned you to a friend then you are very loved and cherished by him. Live , Laugh , Love.
Remember this. Your spouse , boyfriend , girlfriend , fiancée , Kid maybe be the ones that should sober up. But you also can keep their actions and attitudes up when they quit. It's like second hand smoking the only difference is you've been scared up enough that you take on their actions and attitude. My mother has taken up this attitude after Daddy died. Yes she did drink but was an occasional drinker. Now she can't drink cause of her meds but she still acts narcissistic anyways. I'm 43 and I can't do a thing about it. Sucks don't it?
Remember this. Your spouse , boyfriend , girlfriend , fiancée , Kid maybe be the ones that should sober up. But you also can keep their actions and attitudes up when they quit. It's like second hand smoking the only difference is you've been scared up enough that you take on their actions and attitude. My mother has taken up this attitude after Daddy died. Yes she did drink but was an occasional drinker. Now she can't drink cause of her meds but she still acts narcissistic anyways. I'm 43 and I can't do a thing about it. Sucks don't it?
I realize that I cannot turn the switch and he has to be the one to do it. Are there anymore forums or blogs that are out there? It is helping me cope and understand. Thank you!
I realize that I cannot turn the switch and he has to be the one to do it. Are there anymore forums or blogs that are out there? It is helping me cope and understand. Thank you!
Dear Stressed, you can go to as many forums as you like but the stories and the answers are all the same. Stay here. Research as much information as you can on symptoms and behaviours of the alcoholic. Only then will you understand better what has happened to you by becoming involved with one. This information will stop you wondering about all the 'whys?' They are alcoholics and this is what they do, destroy others lives as they do their own. It is a sad reality of the disease. Forget about what he did or did not do. You will not change them. Please find the strength to walk away, when you do there will be peace, beauty and happiness in your life again.
Dear Stressed, you can go to as many forums as you like but the stories and the answers are all the same. Stay here. Research as much information as you can on symptoms and behaviours of the alcoholic. Only then will you understand better what has happened to you by becoming involved with one. This information will stop you wondering about all the 'whys?' They are alcoholics and this is what they do, destroy others lives as they do their own. It is a sad reality of the disease. Forget about what he did or did not do. You will not change them. Please find the strength to walk away, when you do there will be peace, beauty and happiness in your life again.
Dear Stressed, you can visit all the forums you like, but the stories and answers are the same. Research information about alcoholism, signs and symptoms, behaviours etc. By educating yourself you will better understand what has happened to you. You are probably still in love with the alcoholic, which makes it very hard to leave. But I assure you when you leave and cease all contact eventually normality, happiness and beauty will return to your life.
On the left taskbar of the blog under 'Pages', I wrote a post entitled, “Posts Geared for Parents, Spouses & Codependents,” which lists several relevant posts I've written in response to questions from spouses, parents etc. There are hundreds of other posts on the blog as well that may illuminate many truths for you and about the nature of addiction and recovery. This forum is quite different from others in the sense that I really don't care to sugarcoat anything. My mission is to remove the bullshit that is fed to everybody on a daily basis and to share the truth of my experience. Hope that helps. Bless you. By the way, all new posts will now be published on my new site at: theprivilegedaddict.com PS I'd also be more than happy to send you a book if you email me privately with a mailing address.
From everything that I am reading, alcoholics don't change they just should die. My 14 year old daughter's father is an alcoholic. I hated him for at least 12 years, until he recently apologized to me for hurting me when she was a baby. Like a fool, I fell in head first. Since we've been back together, I have come to the conclusion that he is an alcoholic. When he's drunk he's a totally different person, he doesn't even have the same voice. But he's not mean, he's loving and even cries a lot. But, when he's not drunk he's the meanest person, the devil. Last Friday, he loved me and just a few days later when he wasn't drunk, he hates me and feels that I'm disgusting and the worse women he's ever dated. When he drinks he's dangerous and wants to drive and plays with guns. I feel stupid, hurt, ashamed, alone, abused, abandoned, unsuccessful, need I say more….
I am a 52yr old alcoholic. 4th generation – at least 4 family, including my brother and father died because of alcoholism. I was up to a cask a day when I fell asleep with a cigarette in my mouth that fell into a hard plastic splint I was wearing for a dislocated shoulder (a fall because I was drunk). 20% 3rd and 4th degree burns. Nearly died 3 times that fateful day.. My separated wife refused to be my next of kin and in the following months, battling in intensive care unit and burns units- the only contact she made was for money to pay bills and dump my clothes on me. My 2 adult sons, who I love very much and miss do not talk to me. Living in basic accommodation with little financial security. Have chronic depression. Lonely, burns hurt- still have more treatment coming, sad. Have not drunk fr 35 days (yay). See a counsellor, doctor, psychologist, go to 2 separate alcohol support groups- one AA, the other run by professionals. Have been down this path many times. Just sharing helps. People tell me that time heals and my life will get better- when??? What makes this round any different than all of the other times?
Alcoholic. Lost family, wife, house, security. 20% burns, dislocated shoulder same time, in oain- sober 35 days. Am pursuing all right options, AA, counsellor, safe place to live, health, dealing with depression by seeing professional help, alcohol support group. Have been down this road before many times, this first time alone- no family support. Wife of 30 years, 2 adult sons who I love dearly and miss every second. 4th gen alcoholic. My father and brother died of alcoholism- watched my brother die when family decided to unplug him from life support. Life is a bit crappy,am trying,am sober, am alive.
Strange that people only seem to read this post.
Of course you can change. ANYONE can change. That is the entire point of this blog and the story I wrote.
No offense, but if you are suffering 24/7, there is something wrong with your program. You are relying on doctors, shrinks, groups and things outside of yourself to get you better, but it doesn't work that way. There are well over a hundred posts that describe the profound change both myself and many others have secured, and in fact, the very description and purpose of the blog and my story is to describe and inspire just that.
But here's the thing: recovery and getting better is NOT a function of time, but of what actions we are taking. It has nothing to do with time passing. Sorry, but AA meetings are perhaps 1-5% of the program. Go find someone what has actually recovered and is clearly okay (strong, content and lit up with spirit, with God) to take you through the Step process as its laid out in the Big Book. That is AA and will not fail you should you truly want to change, be willing to go to any lengths, and be willing to be wrong about everything you believe and think you know.
Do service all day long if you have to. It's about becoming other-centered, not focusing on yourself and your feelings, which is why therapy, doctors and groups are such an absolute joke. You must stop whining and focusing on yourself and your feelings so much if you want to get better, as feelings and self have nothing to do with getting better.
Also, thing about alcoholics never changing and should just die, well, that is nonsense. Those who don't change simply don't want to, but anybody can change and many addicts should change and use any gifts they have to effect positive change in the world.
Finally, if you are in a toxic relationship with someone and you stay in that relationship knowing it is toxic, there is something wrong with you as well as the addict. Honor yourself. To thine own self be true. No excuses.
I'd like to apologize for saying that alcoholics should die, I was just so hurt and angry at my alcoholic. I know that anyone can change if they really want to but I feel that alcohol is a demon. And yes, staying in a toxic relationship says something about me, but it's easier said than done to let someone go who you truly love and thought you could spend your life with when you yourself don't have a problem, they do. Its good to hear that I'm not the only one and it comforts me to read these posts.
Hi, there were times when I felt the same way you do. I think people stay in toxic relationships because they love, are compassionate and deeply hoping for change. Letting go is very hard. Your problem is that you must not waste these feelings and hopes on a situation that will never change. The hurt and anger will diminish with time. Even people with the thickest skin would find dealing with an alcoholic challenging and emotionally draining. let go, I did and my life is so much better now.
i know exactly how you feel. i feel this way like a yo yo. i could never begin to love a man in such a way…then i wonder…am i in denial?
Go to Al Anon. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my son is now in recovery, thank God. Before i went to al anon, i “had to” do everything for him. My life was out of control with caretaking. I am learning how to love him in a healthy way.
My friend I'd known for 20 years plus lost his wife, house, kids & job. Eventually he lost his friends. I stuck around I guess, as he had no one except the medical professionals. We travelled, explored, laughed & this was a pure platonic relationship… I don't see him anymore, he took off… I guess he's dating the bottle… I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FRIENDSHIP……
They are cowards my ex left with no explanation & upon getting in touch with him weeks later he told me to get a life. Stop harassing him & said he hated me & was never happy in our four years together. It's been 8 weeks since we parted & he has been cruel,blaming me for our problems calling me a big mouth. It's upsetting to me bcuz this man has quit hos job & went from drinking 3 nights out of the week to 6 nights. I saw the man I love change right before me into this insecure angry & now unrecognizable person. He called me a big mouth for telling him to sober up & get back in touch with reality among other colorful words. But most of all I did call him an alcoholic & he has now decided to hate me.
I'm glad I found this I'm in love with an alcoholic he drinks beer He is dependent For 1 thing Every afternoon he has to drill nk 4 to 6 or more beers while he's driving. He's had many DWIs Spends 2 to 4 weeks in jail he's been in jail more times than I can count around Recently he was pulled over The cop gave him a break and the main thing he said was I still have that beer He had a beer hidden in his coat while he was in the cop car that made him more happy than anything I don't live in his town which helps I feel he has an Arrested development both his parents died before he was 18 I know that has to something to do with it I once told him You have suffered something horrible But that does not mean that you are entitled to never suffer again in life but he never Learned how to Cope He doesn't have a job he has a \”Hustle\” selling used cars, parts and tags he Never makes a profit Ever just does it so that he has a car to drive which is illegal from top to bottom he goes to jail for that as well he comes out of jail with clear thoughts but none of those thoughts are ever I'm going to stop drinking he has odd eating sleeping and television practices he is underweight he is living in his aunts Attic apartment his rent is late Every month. It boggles my mind and is just So hard to understand why he does not seem to have Any desire to quit drinking going to jail being poor LOL Like so many posts before I love him I live 3 states away I no longer send him $ pay this phone bill things like that he got frustrated and was horribly mean & Broke up with me Again but he went to jail the next day so We didn't break down up I don't go to see him as much I know that its Nott going to work for us because he is too Immature selfish an egomaniac and a Sociopath to Love anyone He doesn't love himself and it's sad because he is one of the best amen I've ever met smart handsome etc. his family knows he's a drunk they love him from a distance i've never spoken about this to this degree with anyone so sorry it's long but I appreciate being able to talk text it iIts.been on over 3years We are in our 50s I wanted to read about it to see what I already know it's not going to work out and I need to go thanks again
Hi! It's *somewhat* comforting knowing I'm not alone. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a year, and lived with him six months. His drinking has really escalated. He'd get drunk maybe once every couple weeks before we moved in. We were constantly together then. Now he *might* be sober 2 nights a week. He blames all of humanity for his drinking, keeps telling me to \”get with the program\”, calls me a liar constantly, and on and on and on…He won't keep a job more than 2 weeks, yet thinks I should keep forgiving him. No one really knows the depths of the hell I'm in, except those who put up with the same bullshit. The apartment lease ends in a couple weeks, and I'm moving the hell out. What hurts the most is he's not even sorry for any of the hell he put me through. I found out not long ago that his ex wife went through the same shit. Something he lied about. He's not sorry, and never will be. He only apologizes in hopes that I'll forgive him. I have come to learn that all addicts are liars. All of them. His *friends*…all drunks btw…also lie. If they were truly sorry and actually LOVE their mates, they'd quit drinking. How effing hard is THAT to figure out??????
Grow up.
They'll be divorced soon. He's a liar, and not in recovery.
I'm glad I found this site. I've been going through alot with my alcoholic husband of 13 years. We have 2 children together. In the beginning of our relationship it started with him picking fights with me and just not coming home to take of drinking. When the weekend was over he asked for forgiveness and I would let him back home. This went on for 10 years. Things just got worse and he would get abuse when I would ask him to stop drinking. The fights got worse and the arguing got worse. Just a few weeks ago he never came home from work and turned his phone off. Me and his mom have been trying to contact him and he wouldn't reply or answer. We knew he was going to work so I decided to go to his job and confront him about just abandoning us and disappearing the way he did. He was not happy to see me he told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he stopped loving me along time ago. His excuse was that we argued to much and he just stop loving. I told him he needs to see the reason why we argued that it was always because of his drinking problem. He didn't care what I had to say he pretty much told me to leave him alone and move on with my life. We have 2 kids that haven't seen him in a month since he left us. He hasn't tried to even contact us or picked up any of his clothes. I don't understand how he stopped loving me when I've stuck by his side for so long through his drinking problem. How can he say those hurtful things to me? I've been crying every night I'm so devastated by this. I love him so much how can he just not care for me anymore?
Dear Anonymous July 8, i know you love him but you must research and educate yourself on the behaviours and characteristics typical of alcohol addiction. Then your questions will be answered. Do not try to understand and question why? They are the way they are. You have to remove yourself and your children from him. Fear anger and depression are always inevitable for loved ones who are exposed to the life of an addict. They are never grateful or appreciative, empathy is something they cannot feel. Addiction and access to it is all that matters to them. Have courage, you will be alright.
This has been one of the best things I have read that makes me feel like I'm not crazy nor the only person that is going through this. My husband almost a year ago wanted to go to recovery on his own…I was shocked, of course this had been the one thing I had been praying for for years and I couldn't believe a miracle was happening. He went for 60 days and came home the person I fell in love with I hadn't been so happy and he became the father I always knew he could be. I was a little naive to think a relapse would never happen because we were so happy, I felt like we had started a new amazing life. Until it happened and it spiraled back out of control so quickly I felt like I had been drop kicked and was heart broken. He then decided to go back, I'm still in shock he went once but was now going to go twice in 6 months times. He went for 30 days, promised my daughter and I he would never do this again and he couldn't believe how bad he messed up. He is now 3 months out of recovery for the second time and I know his drinking again every day, he's lying and hiding it. I keep catching him and will talk to him the next day and say what can we do together to get this under control and its either my fault or it's no big deal. I'm pregnant with our second and after our first he promised to be a much better man if I ever got pregnant again…so far it's worse than the first. I feel so alone and that I'm starting to sound like a broken record to friends and family.
You have to leave him, unfortunately the likelihood of alcholics fully accepting their addiction and being successful in recovery is not high. Being pregnant is not a reason to stay with him, exposing your children to addiction and its bizarre world will not be good for them. I walked away from an alcoholic who I still love, because i had to. I now work full time in management, have bought a home and my two beautiful children – university graduates have been saved from exposure to the world that would have been unstable, unhappy and abusive. I truly believe my life started when I left him. think about yourself and your children, do not believe a word that comes from the mouth of an alcoholic.
Why do all you people here go on and on about all the awful things these alcoholics do to you and their families. My heart does go out to you, but ask yourselves this. Would you allow a heroin junkie into your and your childrens lives? There is no difference just a different drug. That is how my brother put it to me. And so I stopped questioning why, walked away, and now my life is back to normal, happy and free from the destruction the alcoholic causes.
Kendra go to Al anon and get away from this man. You've only got a month in. Leave him now. Trust me. I just spent 9 months and he never stopped being selfish. He cheated on me.
My boyfriend of 9 months is an alcoholic. I love him. We laugh more than any relationship ive ever been in. We hang out at his apartment, watch movies, sing songs while he drinks. We started dating March 21 2016. I met his family spent time with his mother. Sometimes when i would spend the night he peed the bed. Little by little he stopped texting calling responding to messenger. Then he tells me January 4th that he cheated and its over between us. He said she came over they didnt have sex but he felt guilty so he ended it. Im so sad that he would hurt me like this when i cared so much for him. Im going to al anon now. Im still trying to make sense of why he cheated and why couldnt he just communicate his needs and desires to me instead of a stranger. If she even was a stranger.
Thanks for this blog. I dated my HFA for three years. Ive moved and broke up with him a few weeks ago. Not because I wanted to…but because he doesnt keep his promises and is selfish and i cant rely on him going towards our senior years. (We are both 47) He wastes time imo just getting bombed by himself at home. Wont seek therapy…wont take antidepressants…basically i guess hes ok with his life but i need a grown adult i dont need to monitor or make excuses for. I love and miss him terribly…like all alcoholics out there – hes a great guy when hes sober. :(
In my own experience recently, I realized that what was holding me back from moving on was the fear of normality. Life without the \”worry and sadness\” I have been living the past few years. It had become my addiction. Misery loves company syndrome is what I believe most of us suffer from when in love with an active addict. I am finally able to embrace the excitement of the unknown and knowing I will be more than okay. I am changing my behavioral and reactive patterns by reflecting on all my years of life just not the recent. Leading by example and walking with an eagerness to blind faith is better than any substance educed high. And yes, there will be seconds, moments and days that suck…it's God's subtle reminder to stay humble and thankful for the breath he gave you.
In my own experience recently, I realized that what was holding me back from moving on was the fear of normality. Life without the \”worry and sadness\” I have been living the past few years. It had become my addiction. Misery loves company syndrome is what I believe most of us suffer from when in love with an active addict. I am finally able to embrace the excitement of the unknown and knowing I will be more than okay. I am changing my behavioral and reactive patterns by reflecting on all my years of life just not the recent. Leading by example and walking with an eagerness to blind faith is better than any substance educed high. And yes, there will be seconds, moments and days that suck…it's God's subtle reminder to stay humble and thankful for the breath he gave you. A friend in need is a friend indeed…we are all human…Once someone has held themselves accountable for their doings, the healing may begin.
I'll give you some advice. GET OUT NOW. Don't hesitate just piss off and leave them. No matter how hard you try to help them. no matter what you do to help, you will always be at the bottom of their considerations. I have been told over and over again, for the last 20 years by councillors, police, medical staff, rehabilitation workers etc GET OUT, look after yourself. But you don't, you think you are doing the right thing by them, looking after them, but all you are doing is enabling them. Enabling them to carry on hurting you and blaming you for all their problems.No matter what it takes, find a way to get away from them. Even if it means dumping them on the street. There is plenty of support for them NOTHING for you. Leave them now whilst you still can.
You need to stop the blame game, Charlie. Addiction is a disease, and is largely genetic. How you got any award at all for spewing forth this bullshit is beyond me. There are problem drinkers, and about 10% of those are real addicts. If experience tells me anything, it's that you LOVE being the know-it-all about something you only know from one tiny side. You are the reason people don't seek treatment. You are the reason people ignore all the science that says the polar opposite. You are who the Surgeon General was addressing in his statement about addiction. Grow up. Stop capitalizing on the ignorance of others, and pick up a damned book.
So very true. Thank you.
Im 23 years old i have been with my husband for 10 years since i was 13 actually. He has been an alcoholic our entire relationship and it has been hell. I suffered so much abuse and it has now left me mentally numb. I now have to go see a psychiatrist to try and fix myself. He is now trying to recover but i dont think i can ever forgive him for all the damage he has caused me. I know that i have to walk away and im sure that i will sooner rather than later. He has been the most selfish person in the world. At 13 years old i had to be the adult in the relationship along with being a mother to our child. Many times i felt that i would go insane and end up in an asylum or something. Im just so tired im ready to let go. I advise anyone to avoid an addict like the plague. They will suck you down into an abyss along with them and blame you for it.
Your blog is literally saving me and my mom. My sister is an alcoholic. She has been for 15 yrs. finally her husband and kids thru her out and sent her to us and we have tried to help her but she refuses. Your blogs are a lifesaver and mean so much. Thank you for posting these.
Hi guys. I am from Singapore. Just came by this blog. I am an alcoholic. I really need some help. I don't drink everyday but everytime i drink I binge drink a lot and pass out. I've been trying to stop myself from drinking but I end up doing the same thing again and again and hurt people who are valuable to me especially my wife who endures all this. I tried to get help from the rehab but it is very expensive which I can't afford. I lost my marriage life cause of my drinking and yet I cannot come out of it. Can anyone help me. I really have lost everything because of this habit. Thanks a lot.
i don't know what to say except i wish i had read this article sooner…. wow